eRamblings

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So today is day number two in I have quit smoking. Again.

Yes, I suck. I started back up. Again.

And I am quitting. Again.

Sigh

This is the worst habit ever!! Quitting is so hard.

I feel pretty good though, other than little to no appetite and can’t sleep worth a-shit. Hopefully those are just going to happen in the first couple of weeks.

I really don’t want to smoke anymore. That is why I quit last time.

I hate the smell.

I hate the way my allergies are horribly worse.

I hate that the guy I am dating doesn’t like it. (actually I kinda like that part simply because I know I won’t get sucked back into smoking) But then again, can you imagine licking an ashtray. Ew! Can’t be a pleasant experience.

I hate that it is so expensive - almost $8 a pack.

I hate that I hide it from the people I love.

I hate that it takes up so much of my time.

I hate that it makes my TMJ act up.

I hate that my overall health is so much worse.

I hate that I look like a lesser person in front of my niece’s 13 yr old eyes.

Yesterday, I was sitting at lunch looking at my food and thinking how am I going to fill 30 minutes?  Instead of doing anything, I just sat there looking out the windows - which is as close as I can be right now at lunch time to being outside. All these reasons why I liked smoking kept coming to mind -

Smoking is the one excuse to sit down for seven minutes

Smoking is the one thing I can do by myself and not look lonely or alone

Smoking is the one thing I can do and not look like I am waiting for some random weird conversation from a stranger

Smoking is the one thing I can do when I don’t know what to do

And what I realized was all of these things have in common - I don’t allow myself to truly relax and when I do, I don’t want to talk to people. I have to learn to just sit. To just not do anything, but breath and enjoy that I am not doing anything. I always feel like I have to be “doing”. Otherwise I have to be in the safety of my own home where I can be totally free to be a lazy ass.

Either that or the first quit smoking lunch break was a beginnings of psychosis.

But not in the way that requires me to figure out what he means and how he feels. It more of the amazing dynamic of challenging me in a good way.

I am not a New Year’s resolution kinda girl. Whenever I want something I tend to sabotage myself simply to make sure I want it bad enough. I am my own worst enemy.  So I have learned that simply letting the idea flow within is better than making a declaration of any kind.

BUT . . .

Chookooloonks has inspired me.

Superpowers: the real beauty of different - declare my superpower

Without hesitation I know what my superpower is because people have told me this from day one. It maybe naive. It maybe vulnerable. It maybe simple. (as they have continually reminded me of this as well)

BUT . . .

I AM A BELIEVER

With all my annoyances with people and their antics, I truly believe there is good in each and every person. I believe that they want to be good, kind people. And therefore I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. I tend to look for the good in others.

(granted I am human, I do complain, I do get annoyed, I do lose it)

BUT . . .

Very few people I have ever met have felt the same way I do about others. They discount it. They rationalize their anger, their disappointment. They make fun of people, even just in private. They blame people for their hatred and they take theirs out on others.

I try to rationalize that people are who they are simply because everyone is dealing with something in their lives. Something bone crunching, heart breaking that it just makes them lash out. They aren’t bad people, just dealing with bad situations.

I AM A BELIEVER

that is my superpower

I’m freaking out about spending way too much money on gifts this year. I decided (actually it was mom’s idea) to make fudge and give that away at work for gifts instead. He wants me to come over, but I tell him I have to bake for work. He offers to come over and bake his pumpkin bread so I will have something else to put with the fudge - after working a 10 hour shift.

Exhibit B:

I go to Bed Bath and Beyond, the day before Christmas Eve and they (of course) do not have the gift I need. I do not have a back up plan for this person (why did I wait so long?). This is THE gift. He immediately gets on the phone and finds it at the one an hour away. I tell him I will have to go get it tomorrow because I work. He offers to go pick it up. I tell him thanks, but I can get it tomorrow. He says, wait, he has to work his 2nd job and it is on the way, so he’ll get it on the way. Okay, that’s reasonable. Thanks. Two hours later he shows up at work - with the gift. He just didn’t feel like going home yet. So he went and picked it up for me.

Exhibit C:

He braves a dinner party with my work friends and their spouses/dates. Last minute the boss offers to carpool so we can all drink. He carpools with us, but only one of the spouses shows and that is because he lives in the house we are partying at. Plus, there are five kids under age of 10 running amok. Really loud kids. (lol) He has also been up since 1130 the night before because he was at work. He ends up not liking any of the food (it’s a bit fru fru). I hear nary a word, instead he smiles and makes conversation, til we are about to leave. He requests some fast food and a bed.

Exhibit D:

He doesn’t give me crap about my cats, but rather offers to feed them and clean out the litter box while I’m getting ready for work.

Exhibit E:

I tell him, For whatever it’s worth and for however long this lasts, I want him to know he’s truly a wonderful person. He gets really embarrassed and says, You’re pretty cool too.

Exhibit F:

He doesn’t expect anything from me. He doesn’t change his mind or change the meaning of his words every two seconds so I don’t know what’s going on. He doesn’t continually try to make decisions without me and keep me guessing.

Exhibit G:

He goes with me to pick up a coffee table, tv stand and look at a couch I am interested in. I only buy the tv stand. Again, after working an 11 hour shift, he sits and puts together the tv stand while we talk and laugh.

Exhibit H:

When moving into my apartment, my dad tells me afterward - the guy was always the first one down the stairs to get the next item (I live on the 3rd floor) and always went for the heaviest items/side of furniture. (this is a high praise from my dad)

note: for the first time ever, I may have finally met a man who works as hard as my father and who cares about his family as much (ie: he puts others first)

(honestly, I was beginning to believe this was a myth)

oh and did I mention, he is incredibly sexy? oh, i didn’t? well, he looks a bit like Russell Crow in Gladiator. and yes, he has the physic to back it up.

oh my.

(post it note not long enough for my bitching - (con’t) - If it’s shipped there, then by god there is an FN shipping charge. Pay up and shut up!!)

(more bitching too long - Funny how the tv that’s eleven years old is still ticking)

(con’t - I am a manager at my dream job! How lucky am I?!)

JEEZ, WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET A LONGER POST IT NOTE???

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mwaw mmmwa mmmmmwa

smoochy smooch

OMG I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!

I lost power in my bedroom, closet, kitchen and spare bedroom (where the computer lies) LAST TUESDAY!!!

WTF?!

The first time I call, I’m all, Hey, just calling to let you know I need someone to come take a look at my breakers. I was in the shower, no major appliances going and the lights flickered for about five minutes then all was well. Til I tried to turn on my closet light to see what to wear. Then I ran around to find out my power is out in bedroom, closet, kitchen and spare bedroom/office.

They asked me to flip the breaks myself.

No problem.

Nope that didn’t work.

Okay we’ll send someone up.

Thanks

I return the next day and there is a note lying there saying that all is well. YEAH!! I go about my business. Later in the afternoon, I go to clean out the litter boxes which are in the master closet (how good does that sound, master closet? ahem); flick the light . . . flick the light . . . flick the - wtf! Oh, the light still doesn’t work. So I run around the apartment and flip all the lights that I knew weren’t working before. WTF! I go read the note they left me. No, nothing about coming back to install something. Well, SOB!!

The second time I call, I had to leave a message, Hey just thought I would let you know that the lights are still not fixed. If you could send someone up to fix them that’d be great. Thanks!

Late that night I get home, there is another note on the counter. Yeah! All fixed.

I immediately go in to the closet - flick - ARE U FN KIDDING ME?!

Okay, it’s now officially Christmas Eve. Which means I will be out of power for the next day and most of the following morning til they get in and receive my 3RD MESSAGE. I take a deep breath and say, Hey, just wanted to let you know AGAIN that my electricity is still not working in any of the bedrooms. Please PLEASE send someone up again. Thanks.

Now I would never ask them to come out on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Unless it was an emergency and this really wasn’t one of those. Not a huge deal to be out power in the bedrooms, kitchen and closet. I can survive.

Til the next morning, I go to make coffee on Christmas Day and . . . mother trucker - I can’t make coffee. No power in kitchen.

NOW it’s an emergency.

But I refrain from calling and hoist my coffee machine in to the bathroom, where, yes I made coffee in the bathroom.

The day after Christmas I get a phone call asking to make sure it wasn’t an old message and my electricity still needed to be fixed?

UHM YES!!! PUHLEASE!!!

I get home from work and ironically, I had forgotten. Or maybe blessedly.

Nope still FN broken.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE. YOU. FN. KIDDING. ME?????

So I call and say, Okay now I am getting frustrated. This is ridiculous. This is my fourth message and I have been out of power for almost a week now. I’d really appreciate it if you could fix this. Please call me. Then I go out and set my alarm on my phone to call them the moment the office opens. Obviously there is a miscommunication that they do not understand what it means when I say the power is out in these rooms, but really all I can think is DID THEY EVEN FN FLIP THE FN SWITCHES????

When I finally get the office person on the phone (who by the way, I really like, she’s so nice) and explain what is going on, she immediately says she is sorry and will send the other maintenance guy up.

And like a true ass, I call back later to find out if in fact the lights are truly working before I even get off work because if they aren’t - there may in fact be bloodshed.

She assures me they are.

And when I get home -

they are.

So hey.

I missed you.

One of the greatest stories I have to personally tell is the Chex mix story.

It was myself and my two cats who were currently living with my parent’s. I had bought this ginormous bag of Chex mix for all of us to munch on through the season and poured it into this beautiful big bowl of my mother’s and left it on the coffee table. It was easy access for all of us. No matter what we were doing, I think one of us was always chewing on some mix.

One day I came into the family room and, lo and behold, a cat head was buried in the Chex mix. As I got closer I realized that Tuesday, wasn’t eating the Chex mix, just licking all the salt off the mix. So for months now, we had all been eating Chex mix minus the salt - thanks to Tuesday.

Now it has become a small past time moment for the Tues and I to sit and enjoy some Chex mix together. Though now she eats a few pieces rather than licking the salt off for someone else to eat.

It is SO NOT MONDAY, but I was over at Amber’s blog and decided to post about it on Tuesday. I loved the post and the idea of showing my fav ornament and least fav. So PUHLEASE go visit her so I can feel less rude about doing this a day late. More of these It’s all about MEme posts at SupahMommy!

This is my tree. I call it Santa Tree. It was my dad’s idea to put the santa hat on top because I couldn’t find a tree topper that I liked. Notice the cool way I can run the stockings down the side wall there? I just love my new place! And the girls just love the soft, fuzzy tree skirt that looks like santa’s coat. And you’ll notice, the way all my ornaments have the original tags on them. I don’t know why I do that, but it has become a tradition - location tag, price tag, you name it. I leave it on.

My least favorite ornament are these cardboard snowflakes.

Not only are they boring, but I can’t remember why I have them or who gave them to me. (Really, really, really sorry if it was from a relative) I love ornaments with a story or a background to them. That is how I grew up decorating a tree. Now, granted when I was in high school I wanted to wring my mother’s neck for making us sit through the unveiling of the ornaments day where we listened to her describe everything she could about this little ornament here and there. But after that, I loved it. It gave our house warmth and history and love. I could look at the tree and know it was full of so many wonderful stories.

My fav ornament is this one

from the Lion King play that my dad and I saw together in New York. Isn’t it just gorgeous? Last year, it got stuck in a box somewhere so it didn’t make it to the tree. First time it has appeared on the tree. This was probably one of my fav trips EVER. Which says a lot in and of itself. My dad flew me out to New York while he was working there (he traveled back home during the weekend and out to work in NY during the weekdays). He had flown my mom, sister and niece out earlier, but I had to work. So it was just the two of us. My dad would work during the day, while I traveled my way around NY during the day. At night we would have dinner, hang out in the room and laugh and talk til late. A couple of days, my dad took me around the different areas. I just remember this as the last time I really got to spend quality time with my dad. Just the two of us. For days on end, not just snippets of time. He has always been so busy taking care of the family and the one thing I enjoy is simply being with my dad. Not to mention, if you’ve ever seen the movie, The Lion King. There is a great part where the hyenas are making jokes and one of them says, Mufasa! and then shivers. The other says, ohhh, say it again. They just keep saying the name and then it gives them shivers because the lion is so scary.

• I’d love to say that my holiday shopping is done, but in fact, it’s not. Ugh. I cannot believe how many times I have been out to shop and still wondering how it is possible that I haven’t finished yet. Not to mention I missed the memo (actually they said they just decided not to tell me about it as they do all new-bees) about gifts for my associate managers and was bombarded with unexpected little somethings at a dinner party the other night. Damn it. Now I have to figure out what to get them too.
• Really, really sad about Brittany Murphy. Another wonderful actor lost to death. I just absolutely adored her character in Uptown Girls.
• Found this little incredible blog for all sorts of creative inventions. My niece and I came up with this fabulous little idea for Nana and Bampa for a xmas gift that required no $ at all. Just a dip into my scrapbooking boxes (as I haven’t unpacked them yet). Since Nana will probably look at this post I can’t post it til after the holidays.
• And if you need any sort of free giveaway to enter, try going here. See special offers tab.