eRamblings

Things have been going really well for me lately. I find myself in this predicament I haven’t been in for quite some time.

I’m happy.

Life is good.

And I’m scared shitless. Waiting for something to go wrong. Just waiting. Expecting the worst. And yet, I am trying to push that fear aside to focus on the fact that it feels good. So damn good. To feel this happy. This content.

Work is good. I am doing well. In both jobs. Still a bit new to the second job, but I am loving it. Such a contrast to my first job. I love it. Never really feels like work. A really good choice for a second job.

Life at home is peaceful. I am preparing to move in a bit to a spectacular apartment. One I have been waiting for awhile. Where I can spread out and dig in at home. Dare I say it, grow some roots.

I’ve quit smoking.

I’m getting excited for the holidays.

My sister is coming around and a bit like her old self. We are getting along and actually talking. My niece is happy and worry-limited.

The kitties are happy and well. (on a diet though)

I’m not only paying my bills way on time, but saving for a raining day. (or maybe just to pay for my VW breaks next year)

The lawsuit is coming along from my car accident last year and my wrist that was broken is feeling a bit more normal most days.

The relationship (is it really a relationship, I don’t know, but what else do you call it?) is going well too. It is so strange to be with someone where it is so easy, so nice. No fighting. No stress. No chaos. No questioning everything I say, everything he implies. Just simplicity. I mean, my mom and I went through my scrapbooking stuff to organize and condense so that I wouldn’t have to move a bunch of crap and I came across a load of memories. Pictures and things from my marriage. Cards from my ex and his son. For a bit it hurt, hurt like hell that it didn’t work, but in the end when I really thought about it. It was a good thing. I am so much happier. I hope he is too. I hope he finds a peace too.

How long could this possibly go on? Or do I deserve this after such a crappy year? Does anyone really deserve happiness, peace? Or is it something we make?

I just don’t know.

But I am able to admit. I am scared.

If my life continued like this, with small bumps in the road ahead, I would be okay. I would be able to say I was satisfied with life. Something I never thought I would be able to utter. But it’s so true. I am content. I am at peace. It feels so incredibly good I want to bottle it. And yet, I find myself relishing in it, so much so that that nagging feel wells up at the most inopportune time and brings me insecurity. Insecurities I don’t want to feel or think about. I try to console myself. I want to stay in the moment, if it really does only last a little while longer, I don’t want to have missed it by worrying. But goodness, it can be so hard to quiet that inner voice, the one that doesn’t think it’s possible to be happy.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 19th, 2009 at 11:47 pm and is filed under About Me. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.