eRamblings

Crazy ass shit that has just been clogging up my brain for the past weeks and I don’t know what to do with it, so I am going to vomit all over the table and confess it all on my blog. (let me apologize to my dad in advance because the first thing he will say is i’m airing my dirty laundry for the whole world) I don’t care. I just have to get it off my chest and then roll with it all. Maybe I might actually get some advice that I can use here too.

Have you ever wanted something and then once you got it you realized it really isn’t what you wanted, but rather it was what you already had right in front of your face that you were completely missing? This is a long and complicated story, so here goes nothing.

In May I met this guy, now let me preface this word “meet” with the fact that we have known each other for a bit on the very soft acquaintances side. We know of each other and we have talked and that is about it. I felt he was a good guy. He was ending a long relationship which he talked to me about and so we kind of understood each other. Also, he was someone I thought would be fun to hang out with and I get along with. He asked me to catch a baseball game and I accepted.

My goal, at the time, was to build up relationships to include new friends - male or female - whatever was going to build friendships. I was ready to get out and have a good time; meet new people and try new things.

Needless to say I had a fabulous time with this guy and his friends. We talked, drank beer and basically just lived up the nice cool ballpark atmosphere. That was it. We then proceed to get together occasionally to grab a beer - with and without other people.

We agreed after much consultation to a very, very casual relationship. He was just getting out of a serious relationship and I didn’t want anything serious, just something to take the edge off being lonely. There was to be no strings, no complications and no talking about the whole thing. It is what it is. At any time one of us could opt out of it. We even agreed that if we wanted to date other people we could, but I knew deep down I didn’t date other people. I never had. I never would be one of those women who brought more than one man in my life at a time. I just wasn’t like that no matter how casual the thing was.

FACT - I was definitely attracted to this guy from the beginning. He is incredibly sexy, but isn’t that the kind of guy I should have a casual relationship with? Why would I choose someone I am not attracted to?

FACT - I didn’t want or need a relationship. Relationships complicate things. People do this all the time. Why couldn’t I?

FACT - I knew when I walked into this with eyes open that I have never had a casual relationship before. I was slightly concerned, but did it anyway.

I will admit I deeply envy the women who can date more than one man at once (sleep with more than one man) because these women can cross the normal boundaries that I cannot. (I choose not) This does not make it wrong, hell I have a close friend right now who for awhile was a different man every night. I thought it was exciting and scary at the same time. Heaven forbid she run into one of them. What do you say? But she wasn’t concerned no matter how many times I expressed my angst. More power to her.

Over the past couple of months, I have been really going out and having a blast. Feels like my time I should have had in my 20s. A weekend rarely went by that we didn’t close the bars. Hangovers be damned, it was fun. And I have gained so many different types of friends it made it rare and special.

Time was flying by.

All of a sudden I find myself in the midst of a male situation.

There is a guy (we’ll call him Funny Guy) that I was friends with who was part of a collective group of drinking friends. He kissed another of my friends which immediately makes him off limits even if nothing came of it. One night when it ended up being just the two of us he confessed to wanting to kiss me. Thank god he asked me, because I could say no. Had Funny Guy just kissed me I might have very well kissed him back.  I am currently in the process of avoiding his calls and texts which I find juvenile and repugnant, but I’ve already told him no and I don’t know what else to say except bringing on the tough love. Because we have mutual friends, I am guaranteed to run into him eventually though. For now, the whole uncomfortable situation is on the back burner, but in my mind it is already a closed discussion.

In the background of all of this, is still this guy that I have been “spending time with” and having a non-committal casual thing (we’ll call him Casual Guy). Not a relationship mind you, at least not in my mind. We weren’t even getting together on a regular basis. It was that casual. It was whenever the moment strikes us. And no, I wasn’t just kissing this guy. It was thrilling and rejuvenating. It was a secret. So when people asked me, I said no I wasn’t dating anyone; there wasn’t anyone important in my life because to me it wasn’t a relationship. But deep down inside I know me and I knew it was inevitable it would have to rise to the surface somehow, sometime.

Add to all of this, there was this guy from the past that when we were hanging out before I knew we both had some basic feelings for each other (Past Guy). It was obvious, but nothing ever came of it and we drifted apart. Oh and ps - he snubbed me a bit. Just a bit ago, or so, Past Guy resurfaced and I immediately felt those feelings rise to the surface that I had before. I agreed to hang out with him. We saw a movie, we had dinner. We had a great time the couple of times we hung out together. I liked him, but to what extent I didn’t know nor was I really considering it. It could have potential, but I am not sure.

I am a woman who can be attracted to a guy til I kiss him, even then I might need some time to process, but I usually know within 24 hours after kissing whether it is a possibility for me. Something was missing. I knew it.

After processing this, I figured out what - Casual Guy.

When I was thinking about Past Guy, I knew that I would have to break things off with casual guy in order to have anything with Past Guy. And I knew immediately -

I have developed feelings for Casual Guy.

I don’t want to let Casual Guy go. The thing about casual guy is he has this incredible subtle way of showing he cares, so much so that if I don’t pay attention I will miss it.  For example, we were meeting up for drinks one evening and as I walked in he said, “I picked this place because I love the wine here, but I didn’t know if you liked wine so I made sure they had the beer I know you like.” I mean hello, how sweet is that? For one, he remembered what I liked and two, he considered my feelings. He does this kind of thing all the time. He will put my leftovers in the fridge after dinner so they stay cold til I leave. He just pays attention. He listens. When I start to lose it and I come out and tell him something that bothers me, he comes back like ten minutes later and simply addresses it. He doesn’t ignore me or make a big deal about it. He just gets it. Dag nubit, if he hasn’t slowly wormed his way into my heart. The thing that gets me, though is that when I leave him I have these butterflies and tingles. I am excited when I see him. I almost feel giddy. (this is where my dad thinks I put too much stock in feelings) It isn’t that I see potential with Casual Guy, quite honestly I don’t know how he feels about me and honestly I don’t really want to know. I like the way it is all unanswered and unconditional. I like that we don’t have to have the “let’s label this thing” conversation. It is very not like me at all. I am always so quick to want to know what is going on and how to label it just to make myself feel better. I like the mystery of it all. I also like that we don’t do anything special. It is all really down to earth simple stuff, like watching tv, going to the driving range, kicking back at the pool. I like that I just enjoy being with him and I like that he seems content with me too.

I am now in a predicament. I don’t lie to people. Ever. I am learning, however, to filter what is and is not necessary to add to the situation. (if you ask me this is lying, but apparently it’s not the world wide opinion)

What do I do?

Do I continue to see both guys without their knowledge?

This means

• I will have to break this non talking thing and voice my feelings with Casual Guy (or do I?)
• I will have to come to terms with this whole, not telling the whole truth
• I would be entering new territory for me, dating two guys at once

Or do I end it before it starts with Past Guy because I know I have feelings for Casual Guy?

This means -

• I won’t have to lie
• I won’t have to date more than one guy
• I may be able to salvage my friendship with Past Guy (in theory)
• But I may be giving up something that could have potential given more time

Or I could just suck it up and break the news to Past Guy that there has in fact been a not so important guy in my life that I realized I had feelings for when he came in the picture.  But I don’t want to hurt Past Guy or quite frankly own up to the fact that I should have probably mentioned this before we kissed.

I’m stumped. But I gotta say, this is not a bad predicament to be in.

Should I have called this post, it’s raining men?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 25th, 2009 at 12:17 am and is filed under About Me, Life, People, Personal, Relationships, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.