eRamblings

Baking zucchini bread -

Mom: Can you tell me what time to set the oven?

Me: ACK! I can’t think and do two things at once!

Mom: Snickers and reaches around me to grab the recipe

Me: I want this to turn out right. I always screw it up. This has to turn out right.

Mom: I know; the ingredients were not cheap.

Thoughts after doing P90x Ab Ripper workout -

When he says now would be a good time to load up on all those after workout refresher drinks, think he means a brilliantly, cold beer?

I learned this really cool new trick with my hair -

When I get out of the shower, twist and squeeze the water from my hair, then when pretty dry lather gel through the ends (stay away from roots or greasy) and twist. Twist hair up into a clip until dry - though I tend to pull it out before it dries to give it some body. This keeps my hair curly all day long. WOOT!

I really wish I had that gene that allows me to sneak around all stealth like because the first thing I would do is go down and unscrew my neighbors patio light bulb. The darn thing has been on for the past couple of weeks and just kills any kind of enjoyment I have watching the stars and night sky. Granted I only get about a four foot radius due to the apartment complex layout, but still it’s something - when the light isn’t blaring out into the abyss.

I woke up this morning thinking I needed to get out and volunteer because I have been way too self involved as of late then I go to work and the first thing that we talk about in our meeting is that they are having a really cool volunteer event. YEAH! What’s more, they were talking about grabbing drink afterwards. Kind of like being rewarded for being good which is the reverse of what I wanted, but whatever we’ll be helping people regardless.

Wordless Wednesday

Crazy ass shit that has just been clogging up my brain for the past weeks and I don’t know what to do with it, so I am going to vomit all over the table and confess it all on my blog. (let me apologize to my dad in advance because the first thing he will say is i’m airing my dirty laundry for the whole world) I don’t care. I just have to get it off my chest and then roll with it all. Maybe I might actually get some advice that I can use here too.

Have you ever wanted something and then once you got it you realized it really isn’t what you wanted, but rather it was what you already had right in front of your face that you were completely missing? This is a long and complicated story, so here goes nothing.

In May I met this guy, now let me preface this word “meet” with the fact that we have known each other for a bit on the very soft acquaintances side. We know of each other and we have talked and that is about it. I felt he was a good guy. He was ending a long relationship which he talked to me about and so we kind of understood each other. Also, he was someone I thought would be fun to hang out with and I get along with. He asked me to catch a baseball game and I accepted.

My goal, at the time, was to build up relationships to include new friends - male or female - whatever was going to build friendships. I was ready to get out and have a good time; meet new people and try new things.

Needless to say I had a fabulous time with this guy and his friends. We talked, drank beer and basically just lived up the nice cool ballpark atmosphere. That was it. We then proceed to get together occasionally to grab a beer - with and without other people.

We agreed after much consultation to a very, very casual relationship. He was just getting out of a serious relationship and I didn’t want anything serious, just something to take the edge off being lonely. There was to be no strings, no complications and no talking about the whole thing. It is what it is. At any time one of us could opt out of it. We even agreed that if we wanted to date other people we could, but I knew deep down I didn’t date other people. I never had. I never would be one of those women who brought more than one man in my life at a time. I just wasn’t like that no matter how casual the thing was.

FACT - I was definitely attracted to this guy from the beginning. He is incredibly sexy, but isn’t that the kind of guy I should have a casual relationship with? Why would I choose someone I am not attracted to?

FACT - I didn’t want or need a relationship. Relationships complicate things. People do this all the time. Why couldn’t I?

FACT - I knew when I walked into this with eyes open that I have never had a casual relationship before. I was slightly concerned, but did it anyway.

I will admit I deeply envy the women who can date more than one man at once (sleep with more than one man) because these women can cross the normal boundaries that I cannot. (I choose not) This does not make it wrong, hell I have a close friend right now who for awhile was a different man every night. I thought it was exciting and scary at the same time. Heaven forbid she run into one of them. What do you say? But she wasn’t concerned no matter how many times I expressed my angst. More power to her.

Over the past couple of months, I have been really going out and having a blast. Feels like my time I should have had in my 20s. A weekend rarely went by that we didn’t close the bars. Hangovers be damned, it was fun. And I have gained so many different types of friends it made it rare and special.

Time was flying by.

All of a sudden I find myself in the midst of a male situation.

There is a guy (we’ll call him Funny Guy) that I was friends with who was part of a collective group of drinking friends. He kissed another of my friends which immediately makes him off limits even if nothing came of it. One night when it ended up being just the two of us he confessed to wanting to kiss me. Thank god he asked me, because I could say no. Had Funny Guy just kissed me I might have very well kissed him back.  I am currently in the process of avoiding his calls and texts which I find juvenile and repugnant, but I’ve already told him no and I don’t know what else to say except bringing on the tough love. Because we have mutual friends, I am guaranteed to run into him eventually though. For now, the whole uncomfortable situation is on the back burner, but in my mind it is already a closed discussion.

In the background of all of this, is still this guy that I have been “spending time with” and having a non-committal casual thing (we’ll call him Casual Guy). Not a relationship mind you, at least not in my mind. We weren’t even getting together on a regular basis. It was that casual. It was whenever the moment strikes us. And no, I wasn’t just kissing this guy. It was thrilling and rejuvenating. It was a secret. So when people asked me, I said no I wasn’t dating anyone; there wasn’t anyone important in my life because to me it wasn’t a relationship. But deep down inside I know me and I knew it was inevitable it would have to rise to the surface somehow, sometime.

Add to all of this, there was this guy from the past that when we were hanging out before I knew we both had some basic feelings for each other (Past Guy). It was obvious, but nothing ever came of it and we drifted apart. Oh and ps - he snubbed me a bit. Just a bit ago, or so, Past Guy resurfaced and I immediately felt those feelings rise to the surface that I had before. I agreed to hang out with him. We saw a movie, we had dinner. We had a great time the couple of times we hung out together. I liked him, but to what extent I didn’t know nor was I really considering it. It could have potential, but I am not sure.

I am a woman who can be attracted to a guy til I kiss him, even then I might need some time to process, but I usually know within 24 hours after kissing whether it is a possibility for me. Something was missing. I knew it.

After processing this, I figured out what - Casual Guy.

When I was thinking about Past Guy, I knew that I would have to break things off with casual guy in order to have anything with Past Guy. And I knew immediately -

I have developed feelings for Casual Guy.

I don’t want to let Casual Guy go. The thing about casual guy is he has this incredible subtle way of showing he cares, so much so that if I don’t pay attention I will miss it.  For example, we were meeting up for drinks one evening and as I walked in he said, “I picked this place because I love the wine here, but I didn’t know if you liked wine so I made sure they had the beer I know you like.” I mean hello, how sweet is that? For one, he remembered what I liked and two, he considered my feelings. He does this kind of thing all the time. He will put my leftovers in the fridge after dinner so they stay cold til I leave. He just pays attention. He listens. When I start to lose it and I come out and tell him something that bothers me, he comes back like ten minutes later and simply addresses it. He doesn’t ignore me or make a big deal about it. He just gets it. Dag nubit, if he hasn’t slowly wormed his way into my heart. The thing that gets me, though is that when I leave him I have these butterflies and tingles. I am excited when I see him. I almost feel giddy. (this is where my dad thinks I put too much stock in feelings) It isn’t that I see potential with Casual Guy, quite honestly I don’t know how he feels about me and honestly I don’t really want to know. I like the way it is all unanswered and unconditional. I like that we don’t have to have the “let’s label this thing” conversation. It is very not like me at all. I am always so quick to want to know what is going on and how to label it just to make myself feel better. I like the mystery of it all. I also like that we don’t do anything special. It is all really down to earth simple stuff, like watching tv, going to the driving range, kicking back at the pool. I like that I just enjoy being with him and I like that he seems content with me too.

I am now in a predicament. I don’t lie to people. Ever. I am learning, however, to filter what is and is not necessary to add to the situation. (if you ask me this is lying, but apparently it’s not the world wide opinion)

What do I do?

Do I continue to see both guys without their knowledge?

This means

• I will have to break this non talking thing and voice my feelings with Casual Guy (or do I?)
• I will have to come to terms with this whole, not telling the whole truth
• I would be entering new territory for me, dating two guys at once

Or do I end it before it starts with Past Guy because I know I have feelings for Casual Guy?

This means -

• I won’t have to lie
• I won’t have to date more than one guy
• I may be able to salvage my friendship with Past Guy (in theory)
• But I may be giving up something that could have potential given more time

Or I could just suck it up and break the news to Past Guy that there has in fact been a not so important guy in my life that I realized I had feelings for when he came in the picture.  But I don’t want to hurt Past Guy or quite frankly own up to the fact that I should have probably mentioned this before we kissed.

I’m stumped. But I gotta say, this is not a bad predicament to be in.

Should I have called this post, it’s raining men?

I woke up this morning with the biggest, bad ass mosquito bite on the the worst part of my body that could ever be arranged - the bottom of my foot.

It is killing me.

I wanna scratch the mother til it dies a slow death, yet I know the moment I scratch it I will be doing so for the next week until I can’t stand it anymore and I will wish I hadn’t started in the first place.

Hazards of sitting outside at night.

This past week I have felt so off, so out of the ordinary. Just all around out of sorts.

The list of things I have felt is random, to me, and I finally gave in and went to see my doctor. I explained how I have been feeling and she said we would do a blood workup and see what we came up with. She stood up to do a physical, looked at my neck and then made a “Huh,” sound. Which of course was disturbing.

At the end of the appointment she mentioned she felt it could be hyperthyroidism where everything in your body kind of speeds up - eating, temperature, heart rate, etc. Which matches the way I have been feeling to an extent. I have been breaking out in these incredibly crazy heat sweats that come at the most random times. I have bee, for the first time ever, just sitting and eating. I am not hungry at all and yet I can sit and eat like a machine. Other stuff which I am not willing to make my blog privy too either.

The thing that doesn’t fit is the tired part. I guess.

I have just been so incredibly tired this past week. And when it comes to going to bed, I can’t seem to sleep. Then there is this morning. I felt so awful I called in sick then proceeded to sleep til afternoon. My body just feels like it is moving in slow motion.

It almost feels like when I am getting over a sickness where I am in a tunnel with the medication, but I am not taking any medication.

Just waiting for the blood work to come back.

NEW MUSIC ROCKS!!

I discovered this band watching Royal Pains. It’s funny that they only played the first four or five words in the song and yet I instantly fell in love. I jumped up and googled those words and yes, I actually had to rewind and listen to the words a couple of times to encounter the band Honey Honey.

This is the kind of music that makes me think of a group of people sitting on the back patio, sipping wine and smoking cigars, shooting the shit and just basically kicking back enjoying life. Music I live for. I know instantaneously when I hear music I will listen to forever. Though they describe it as Folk Rock/Jazz/Bluegrass music which given the words I wouldn’t think I would like that. But never judge til ya hear it straight from the horse’s mouth.

I’ve spent the last couple of days listening to their music on myspace. I would have bought the CD already, but I haven’t been able to locate my favorite song - Who’s loving you.

Take a moment and give’r a listen, then come back and give me your opinion.

Saw the movie Julie/Julia Project today. I do not spoil it - for all two of you who read my blog.

It was about a 7 (out of 10) for a couple of different reasons -

the good - it was fun and entertaining

Julie was the perfect amount of messed up and togetherness to lift the film

the food looked fantabulous

the cat gets major props (yes I totally give points to cats in film)

it actually produced serious feelings of longing to go out and buy the ingredients and give this project a go (but they were fleeting - whew I dodged that bullet)

the bad - it didn’t follow the book (i just hate that)

they didn’t cover as much of the bad and flew through some of the best parts

I wasn’t enamored with Julia

most of the best parts are shown on the commercials

This movie reminded me of the two times in my life that I have had to clean an oven. I am 30 people and I have cleaned an oven TWICE already in my life. Now that is pathetically sad.

First time, my mother made this casserole thing and asked me to pull it out of the oven and check it for something. (this is specifically why I don’t cook) And why she asked me??? I pulled it out, set it on the stove, but it still needed time. As I was jingerly placing it back into the oven it wabbled and flipped perfectly face down into the oven. The entire dinner was wasted. As was my mother. Pissed to no end at me. So pissed she made me clean the oven.

The second time I was in my newly-all-by-myself apartment, I was so proud of myself for I was making one of those three steps out of the box casseroles (maybe I should stop making casseroles??). I had put it together beautifully. And I know you are wondering what kind of moron I must be, but really my challenge is really only in cooking. Or maybe that is just where it stands out the most. I was waiting for the timer to go off when I heard the faintest noise. Barely a whisper. Just a simple crick of a noise. I got up wandered all over my apartment trying to figure it out. I came to the stove, turned on the light and peered in. Lo and behold there was my casserole bleeding out of the bottom of my dish pouring itself all over the bottom of my oven. I literally laid on the floor and cried. Then I got up, called my mother and got back on the floor to continue crying.

Getting back to the movie review, I loved because it was uplifting and inspiring. The characters were believable and lovable. The scenes were heart warming and made me want to live in New York and Paris. (Then again who doesn’t?) Once again, I was relieved to be reminded that there are people out there who don’t just know how to cook like Julia Child.

Wordless Wednesday

If you have been following (and I know you have) I have been working out at least 3xs a week for about a month now. I swam for the first three weeks, but had to do something else due to the pool being closed for a week. Lame.

This week I lifted weights with my dad, did pilates for two days and then did something called Abs Ripper with a friend. Through all this, I kept waiting to be sore. I hear my friends make these grunts when they walk, get up from chairs and it is due to being sore from working out. I haven’t had that. Granted, I am not complaining by no means, but I was starting to think I was in better shape than I thought.

Uhm, yeah. I’m clueless.

Just when I start getting cocky, I get voted off the island.

Today, I fuckin hurt. My stomach musles and the muscles in the top of my thighs where my hips are (hip flexers?). I woke up this morining and had to put a hand on my knee and roll up, of sorts, to get out of bed. When I walk, the muscles in my hips are so tight I can feel my body hunch over a bit. I am forces to take these long strides in hopes of stretching them out.

All week, the one person I have been exchanging workout information with is (i think) a bit disgruntled because I am not, have not, been in pain at all. I don’t out and out laugh at this person, but it is hard to keep a straight face when every time they move they make some sort of a noise. They keep saying, it’s the second day (two days after the workout) that really hurts. My father and mother both echo this sentiment.

Having been a swimmer in the past, the very distant past, I remember very well how sore I was ALL THE TIME in every part of my body. I don’t miss that. Nor do I want to revisit that. In fact, a goal of mine was to go slow enough not to have to endure that.

See what happens? Survivor is the meca of all life philosophies -

Get cocky, get voted off the island.

Damn it. I know better.

I want so badly to call this friend and console myself in togetherness self pain, but at the same time the competitor in me wants to drag this out and not allow them the knowledge of my being just as much sore as they have been. I’m such an ass. (chuckle)

Alcatraz, here I come. I am that much closer to knocking out another 1 of 101 in 1001 days.

a quick pic of my beautiful Izabel while she gazes longingly at me

a needy day for her as she didn’t feel well

she is such a love bug

that is when, she isn’t terrorizing anyone

see Chookooloonks for other Love Thursday posts