eRamblings

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My boss pulled me into his office this past week to status with me about my how I am doing and where I am going with the company, but for the first time I really didn’t need or want to know. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t that I don’t care. If they offered me a promotion tomorrow I would accept it. I want that promotion so badly I can taste it, but to be completely frank I am happy. Dear I say it, possibly even satisfied with my life.

Gulp!

I am completely focused on the here and now. I have goals. I have wants and needs, but they aren’t driving me like they have in the past. I am simply enjoying what I am doing - at work and at home.

I am at work and can see what needs to be done to go farther in my work. I have goals, but they are smaller and more controlled. Little baby steps if you will. Rather than the ginormous leaps I usually try to accomplish that can land me in the gully instead of safely on the other side.

At home it’s the same. I find myself breathing without much effort. Maybe the phrase I have been repeating for myself for the past years has finally etched its way into my soul - let it go.

I love it when I am surrounded by stressful people because it makes me laugh. I see so much of my old self in people now. I see them ruining their day because of something that they cannot control or worse because of something they are allowing to control them. It only reinforces in me the proven fact that what I am doing now is working for me.

I have found comfort in just going with the flow. Granted I don’t think I will ever just sit back and watch life go by. I am still very much the same pusher I have always been. I am just realizing that I don’t have to push to get what I want. In fact, I can find a more non-threatening way of doing it.

Life finds a way. (watch Jurassic Park much?)

Today at the pool I was barely through my warm up when I noticed people were running out of the pool like a shark was after them so I stopped swimming and looked around only to realize the lifeguards were yelling for everyone to get out of the pool. I mozied my way out and sat on the side. The gentleman next me was also sitting on the side of his lane. I asked him, What the heck? Did someone throw up in the pool or what?

The lifeguard next me said, “Actually yeah.”

I laughed and said, “Well, scoop it out so we can get back in.”

Of course, I know this is not how a normal public pool works simply because of health reasons, but I was feeling the groove and didn’t want to go home knowing I was going to have a killer workout. I just felt it.

So I wandered over to the bleaches and grabbed a spot to wait. The lifeguards asured us it would only be maybe 30 minutes to wait. No big deal it was my day off. I had all day really.

I look over next to me and started up a conversation with the girl standing next to me. After a minute I realized I knew her.

You look so familiar to me.

Yes, I am (bleep out name insert Olympic gold medalist swimmer’s name).

Holy shit! No way. Not only did I recognize her, I swam with her way back when.

“Wow what an honor.” I said as I shook her hand, “I am Heidi (insert my last name). We swam at (insert old USS team) together.” Rather more shocking, she remembered me.

We started exchanging horror stories from the old days like whenever we happened to vomit in the pool the coaches would tell us to just scoop it into the gutter and swim it off. (no kidding) We also swam in recently shocked pools, water that was way too cold or way too warm, pools with floating feces-looking stuff (which was a very funny story) and much other non-good health policies.

Insert swim story - There was a year where Powerbar wanted to sponsor us and our commitment to this sponsorship was to eat one powerbar a day for a year. Needless to say after a little over a month, we were doing everything in our power to get out of it. They were good and they were free to us during this year, but the taste gets old real fast. Insert the humor of hundreds of high school kids and you end up with rolled up powerbars thrown into the pool to get us out of swim practice (for at least fifteen minutes if we were lucky) while the coaches tried to figure out what it was. Eventually the coaches got tired of our powerbar pranks, specifically when we did it at a rather important swim meet, and we ended up swimming with brown, soggy powerbars floating by for many months on end because as you know jokes to high school kids just never get old.

Turns out she is swimming at our old USS team pool, but now we are old folks so she is swimming on the master’s team. She retired some years ago only to find out she wanted to get back in shape - uhm yeah she didn’t look too out of shape to me, but to each her own - and suggested I join there. Especially since I apparently know a few of the members. One of them being, one of my closest friends in high school. Ironic, no? And a choice between a pool that is maybe ten minutes away where I know no one or one that is thirty minutes away and I know people, the choice is simple.

I was jazzed.

What’s even more fun about the situation is she is coaching her own old high school swim team this year; my closest friend is coaching our high school team and a guy I remember well is coaching an opposing team. The rivalry would be incredibly hilarious to watch.

Who knew that getting back into the pool would bring about such old time memories and possibly friends.

I have felt off this whole week. I can’t figure it out. I am guessing it is because I was sick for five days last week and I am still trying to find my groove.

My week at work didn’t go as well as I would have liked. I am feeling like I have been steps behind the entire time. I hate walking out of work knowing there was so much more i could have done. I hate knowing that the people who come in in the morning will be wondering what happened, why it doesn’t look at good as it should. My vendors are messing up and I havent had (or made) the time I need to babysit them. Drives me nuts. I want to scream when they aren’t doing their jobs simply because it is the same stuff every time and what I get from them are lame excuses. It then takes me more time to send off emails to their bosses and calls to finding out why certain products weren’t ordered or why they left trash behind. My least favorite is when they try to pack the shelves with product that just plainly doesn’t fit. I spend more time fixing the stuff they should have done in the first place. Which makes more work for the people in the stock room because I have to leave a mess in their area for the vendors to come pick up all their stuff. Ugh. Annoying to the nth degree.

My apartment looks like a hurricane hit it. I just haven’t had the energy to really clean it up. I have been spending a lot of my free time sleeping. I guess my energy level hasn’t gotten to where it was before I was sick. Must’ve been sicker than I thought.

I just love the after effects of sickness where I cough and if a tissue isn’t near I am running for the bathroom. Or the constant runny nose. So attractive. At least work has gotten smart and there is hand sanitizer all over the place.

I have only gotten back in the pool a few times since being sick. I did, however, pick up a really great core strengthening dvd to help with the muscle aches I have had with swimming and I know I will really have to commit to another type of cardio since swimming hasn’t really made my cardio better as much as I thought it would. Maybe that’s because now I’m getting older. I guess when I was younger getting back into shape was way easier and quicker. I remember taking a couple of months off during the summers on occasion and it just seemed that I was back in shape so fast. Then again, it hasn’t just been a couple of months since the last time I really swam. Not to mention the years of smoking didn’t help.

Without a doubt, though, the intake of food has picked up greatly. I am already feeling like I don’t get enough food. My stomach actually growls now. I haven’t had that in a long time. And it seems the more I workout the more I crave healthier food. I like that because it requires cooking - and I so love to cook. My latest fun cooking adventure has been homemade pizza. I love all the really different toppings like feta cheese, pears, bbq chicken, etc.

Going to a water park with a friend soon which will be fun. It’s been years since I have done that. Hoping to hit the park at a time when it isn’t so busy, but I am guessing that will be harder since it is the summer.

I already have friends at work who comment on how much color I have. Course, considering I didn’t every have any, it probably wouldn’t have taken a lot of time in the sun to change it. The latest topic of discussion seems to be the fact that many of my friends like the tanning beds. I don’t really get that, but to each their own.

It is the saying that always runs through my mind when I am sick. When anyone is sick. The smell is in the air of sickness, of heavy sweat, of medicine and of bodily fluids. (ew gross)

I was sick this entire weekend. And am still not up to par.

It’s funny the things I don’t think of when I am well, healthy. Things like stocking up on medicine or Kleenex. Things like sprite, crackers, soup. Things that should probably be in the back of the cupboard, but aren’t for some odd reason.

But if you haven’t figured out yet, I am spoiled. (i like to call it loved)

I called mom and she went and picked up some medicine, soup, crackers, etc all for me. She dropped it off the first dreadful morning and stayed to entertain me. Granted I have no idea what we talked about, but it was nice.

I figured out a system this time. (spoken like a true type A person, huh?) I eat a bit of food, take medicine, wait about half hour for the meds to kick in then get up and do something that needed to get done like washing the sheets or cleaning dishes. This way I wasn’t quite aware I was actually doing something then I could lay down and sleep for hours afterward. It helped keep the place somewhat clean.

The smell is what kills me. I cannot stand the smell of sickness. It is horrible. It just hangs in the air. Everywhere. And being that it is not weather where I can open the windows and air it out. I have to make due with deodorizers and cleaners and washing things; in the midst of being sick.

It has been awhile since I have been really, truly sick. I forgot how my body aches, the numbness and tingles, the mind altering drugs that make me feel like I am swimming through fog. The coughing til I feel like my insides are out. The sleeping til my body aches more, if it’s even possible. The needing to get out and feel normal, but moments later, regreting the though of moving.

The more I lay here the more I think of all the things that I should be doing. Which is how I know I am on the mend. The endless thoughts of kicking myself for not accomplishing things. Instead I lay here. Still weak. Still tingling and throbbing. Waiting for the surge of energy.

I am standing on the steps leading up to the local swimming pool. All these moms and dad with their kids walk (well, run and skip and giggle) their way to swim practice. Each one, so adorably cute in their swim suits of all sorts of colors. Kind of like a real life screen saver. Very psychedelic. I remember being that kid. I remember I could not contain my excitement to swim. As I am walking up the steps my tremors get worse. I can’t tell which is worse, the tremors of excitement or trepidation.

Inside the locker room, it’s hot and so humid. A few older girls all of middle school age. The same age as when I officially started on a swim team. They have the same innocence and yet they walk as if they own the place. As I did. I never felt so confident and courageous as when I was at a swimming pool. This is where I got my strength. Remember in Pretty Woman, she says she can handle men when she is in her hooker clothes. That’s how I feel. When I am in the water, I could do anything. It was always so freeing.

I walk out and there are all these flashes of memories so fast I can’t quite grasp them all. A swim meet here. The pool we visited where the floor was heated. The time it was so cold outside that there was fog lifting off the water, but the sun had yet to rise completely. A surreal picture. If I hadn’t been there, oh so many times, I would never believe it was anything but a picture. The wonderful sounds - coaches barking out orders; kids talking so fast because of such a limited time between starting to swim another lap; parents clapping and being supportive; the whistle of the lifeguard.

I pick up my cap and goggles and without another thought it just comes together. There is this process I have as if my fingers know more than my head. Get the cap wet, pull it on, twist up my hair. Take the goggles press them to my eyes, flip the straps over then tie in a knot. Step into the pool and push off the wall all in one fluid motion. Then left, right, swish, cut through the water. It all comes rushing back to me.

I was born here. I was made for the water. A regular fish. The coolness of it. The comfort temperature. The smell of chlorine. The tiniest taste of metal water. It all just permiates my head and body. My senses on overload.

God, why have I waited this long to feel this again.

I can’t take it all in at once. I am trying to see, to swim, to hear, to taste all of it at once. I can feel the breath struggle out of my lungs. The bubbles pushed out my nose. My hands just glide through the water. My bad hand, the one I broke in a car accident nine months ago. The hand that feels so foreign all the time. For once, it feels like my own. Incredible! As my muscles start to burn in all the right areas, I just smile because I know this like I never left. Coming up on the wall, I get giddy. Arm over, glide into water, bend neck, slide over into a somersault like a snake, feet just follow, push off the wall and I am gliding back through the water into another lap. My lungs burn badly. I can’t hold my breath all that long. My thighs and my delts are also throbbing. Tired, but in such a good way.

I can do this.

I know I will be so much slower than I once was, but my body already wants to get back into that same rhythm. That pace I know so well. It will take awhile. I will need to slow my pace, get used to swimming before I will be able to hold that pace for long.  My body wants so badly to keep up, but its heavy.I stop take a breather. The giddiness builds again. I want to scream. I want to laugh. I want to celebrate. It feels so good to be back here.

I long to be that young frisky girl. The one that could do anything. Had her whole life in front of her. No fears. No cynicism. The true believer. I can still feel her inside, but just a bit sader than before. Time brings truth. A truth I never wanted to know, but am better for. I think.

Life is an amazing thing.

Today at work it was another consecutive day of stress. Not enough people, I keep thinking, but my boss has asked me to come to him with three solutions that don’t involve needing more people even though he is awesome enough to admit that may very well be the problem.

I was at the customer service desk helping push people through the really long line.This woman with three kids pulls up with a cart full of bagged merchandise.

W - I just purchased this dress and she charged me too much. It is supposed to be $14.99 but she charged me $24.99.

Now before I continue let me tell you my thought process here which explains (hopefully) my reasoning for proceeding this way. First of all, she had a dress that did not have any tags on it whatsoever. Second, she had a dress with tags on it from the sales floor.  Third, the numbers on the receipt did not match the numbers on the dress (there are codes in the neck tag if the price tag itself is gone).

Me -  Would you mind if I took a quick peek through your bags just to make sure the dress is the correct one because the numbers don’t match?

W - Immediately burst into tears and very loudly proclaims, “Are you accusing me of stealing?” And continues to repeat this phrase in many different wordings, but the entire time huge tears are streaming down her face. Her kids are also aware of the mom’s situation of being upset.

Me - I am not accusing you of stealing. I am just making sure that you get the correct items because again the numbers do not match.

W - Continues with her ramblings cries while loading her bags on the register counter.

Me - I am starting to cringe while racking my brain to figure out what to do. Finally, I give in and decide it just isn’t worth it. “Ma’am I am just going to exchange these dress, Okay? Bear with me here a minute.” I enter in the numbers. “Ma’am $9.16 will go back on your card. That is the difference between the two dresses.”

W - Do you have to put it back on my card? I got this gift card I would rather use.

Me - Uhm, sure. I mean I had gone this far off our policy, why the hell not?! I do the exchange and as she is walking away I realize she hasn’t so much as gushed a tear droplet since I gave in. Then I am baffled. Did I just get swindled? Truly possible.

Now don’t get me wrong. I feel for this woman. I honestly wanted to apologize and hug her. Her tears looked and felt real. And quite frankly, they described perfectly how I felt that day too. I truly believe that she was telling the truth, but I also believe that I was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

For the rest of the day many of my co-workers continued to ask me if I had made anyone else cry.

Not one of my favorite days.

I have never been one of those women who hates to try on clothes. I have never been one of those women who despises the dressing room. I am not saying clothes always look good on me, I just can’t imagine not liking the process of going into a store, seeing all the wonderful designs, colors and not wanting to Slide, shimmy or place them on my body.

I love clothes. I always have. Even when they didn’t fit right or look good on me. I still love the process.

But today, I got a taste of that “I hate trying on clothes” mentality that I hear women speak about.

I went to find a swim suit to workout in. A speedo suit. One that fits tight enough to stay on while working out, but loose enough to breath.

All I could think the entire time was how I did not remember them being so tight, so uncomfortable. If they had a camera in that dressing room then they definitely would have won a million dollars with America’s Funniest Home Videos. I had to do all those really sexy maneuvers to get it up over my hips, then practically pull my skin off to get it over my shoulders and finally slide and adjust to make the suit flat against my skin. Wow the pain and huffing and puffing that was going on in that dressing room. Exhausting.

More than a few times I wished I had taken my mother with me so that, as I did when I was younger, I could have her slide her hands under the shoulder straps to tell me if it fit right. Or maybe just to tell me I wasn’t crazy. I tried somewhere around thirty suits - one pieces and two.

It was a bit discouraging too. Was it really going to be this hard to get back into swimming? I can’t even get into a suit. Will I be able to swim laps for hours? Think of all the pain and sore muscles I experienced when I was young and fit. Can I really grin and bear it?

The fact is, it has been a long time since I committed to a goal that would kick my ass and make me really want something. This is it. This is a goal that will definitely challenge me.

It’s funny wandering through the swim shop and seeing all the different products I used to use on a daily basis and knowing that eventually I will have to buy them - kick boards, pull buoys, hand paddles, drag suits, etc. I kept thinking now where did I leave those? They probably died in my parent’s backyard ages ago, but I can’t be sure. Such sacred things completely disappeared without a trace or second thought. How odd. Ten years of my life forgotten.

The one thing I know I want is some sort of music device. My parents bought me a radio head set that clipped on to my goggles and that was by far the coolest thing ever because humming 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall got kind of old. Really. Ever wonder what those Olympic swimmers are thinking during the mile? Oh yea, they’re singing some stupid, weird song in their head or making out a grocery list or something else really off the wall. The mile is swam in at least fifteen minutes. That’s a long time compared to the sprint of less than 25 seconds.

I think one of my favorite things we used to do was to get the feel of swimming real fast. To know how the water was supposed to feel moving around my body aerodynamically, I would hook a harness to my body that was hooked to the side of the pool, then swim as far across the pool as possible (usually drag myself the rest of the way by pulling the lane ropes). I would hold on to the other side of the pool while still bundgied to the other side then let go and swim while being hauled (by the bungee cord) back to the other side. I would just fly through the water.

We had a thing every year called Hell Week, where our coaches would think up the worst possible swim practices ever to get us to work our bodies til we were exhausted. We needed to know what it felt like to give every ounce we could. Funny how I actually liked these times (sadomasochistic?). The worst was probably when he had us do an IM (all four strokes) that lasted the entire swim practice. Somewhere around two and a half hours. What I really loved was when we swam the length of the pool (25 or 50 meters - we were lucky to swim at an awesome facility, top notch) and then get out and do a push up, get back in and swim the length and get out to do a sit up. Oh man, the crazy stuff we did to become incredible athletes.

I swam for 10 years on both my school teams and the swim club. Six days a week I had practice twice a day for two hours with swim meets on the weekends. In the mornings, we would lift weights or do circuits, then swim. The afternoons we would do cardio and then swim. I remember how much fun high school swim practice was because it was a breeze compared to the national swim team I was on.

It was such a long time ago.

Today, I bought two swim suits, a couple of swim caps and another pair of really awesome swedish goggles (metallic mirrored).

It is so weird to have these memories floating around. The smell of the rubber suits, the clink of the goggles. They bring back these wild feelings, crazy pictures. It makes my heart beat faster and my want and need to do this more possible. I remember the adrenaline rush, the power I felt. It was incredible.

Found this sight with all the swim terminology anyone could possible need.

I am in the process of getting all my gear together to (gulp) join a master’s swim team. It’s been at least a decade since I have plunged into the pool to seriously take laps. The thought of having to swim for hours - doing all the different strokes terrifies me. Partly because I can still remember, as if it was yesterday, how good I was. And yes, I am willing to admit that. Partly because I know what an up hill battle this will be. At the same time, I am so excited to get back into shape and pick up something I used to love. Already a list is forming in my head of all the things I didn’t achieve back then and the things I would like to try and finish; cross off my list.

The possibilities are endless.

I gotta say I was the spitting image of hotness today when I ventured out after dinner to get water in my tank, bermudas, striped fuzzy socks and slippers. I mean a real sex pot. I was about half way there when it occurred to me I probably looked like I got dressed in the dark.

This past weekend my parent’s and I created the most delicious breakfast with some of the incredible foods we picked up at the fresh food market. My mom and I went to two in one day. Not planned, but she didn’t find what she was looking for at the first and we just wanted to go to the bigger one to begin with. I have been in heaven, drowning in fresh fruits and vegetables. I even found this really cool ring made out of bamboo. I just love the experience of going to the market. The people, the atmosphere, the dogs, the smells and sounds. It is all so wonderfully delightful.

This guy was so artfully dressed, I just had to take a pic. I just love his suspenders and the feather in his hat just makes me smile.

These have to be the most beautiful sunflowers I have seen in so long. I should have bought some, but I was too busy taking pictures. Don’t they just scream friendly and sunshine. One of my favorite flowers because of their simple cheerfulness.

And the CUTEST puppy EVER?!

Here’s a pic of the breakfast we made. Check out the veggies in there - broccoli, peppers, cheese. We paired it with toast dripping with jelly - oh wait just mine was dripping with jelly. My dad makes the absolutely best omelets and egg sandwiches ever!! My niece keeps saying how he needs to open a restaurant for them. I was thinking he should call it Bampy’s Bad Ass Breakfasts.

I have been living up life. Truly enjoying myself. It keeps amazing me how wonderful life is when I live in the moment. It really is like having my cake and eating it too. Simply breath taking. Funny how I always thought time would slow down if I lived in the moment, but in reality it speeds up. I am always trying to breath in the moments as they are passing. I think I will always be one of those peeps who thinks about the future, planning ahead, but I am now able to look in the past and see how far I’ve come. I appreciate my history so much more all the while relishing in the now.

Work has been keeping me busy. I am finally feeling more like myself. Kicking ass and taking names. Most days at work I feel like a fucking queen. I leave thinking - that was so awesome! I love days like that. I am hoping for a promotion, but (surprisingly) I am okay to wait because I know that it is inevitable. I am doing a good job and I know it. I am really enjoying the people I work with too. I picked up a sequel to The Five Love Languages and it includes how to apply it for work relationships. Seems to be working.

I have been a reading fiend lately too. I really have to choose between blogging and reading. I can’t seem to figure out how to do both. I read Nora Robert’s newest book Vision in White. I just got sucked into the romance of it. Ironically too, I was intrigued by the wedding business seeing as how our family did quite a bit of that with our business. I picked up a book the other day (ack! feeding my habit) that was too good to pass up - Francine Prose, Reading like a Writer: a guide for people who love books and for those who want to write them. Other ones I have read lately are American Wife by Curtis Sittenfeld (oddly very similar to the political events during Bush administration) and Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Naht Hanh.

I have been having a blast going out with friends and grabbing a beer after work. Who knew I liked beer? I am definitely a darker, heavier beer lover, but I have been tasting them like wine to find the ones I like.

Father’s day was very fun though my dad and I celebrated it a week earlier because my gift to him was a baseball game. We ended up taking my mom and a girl friend of mine. My dad laughed because he said at one point my friend and I were both talking so fast that we were talking at the same time. It was great to get out, catch a game and drink a beer. I had so much fun. I felt like I cheated my dad. Like giving a guy lingerie for a gift - really the gift is for the girl, I mean she gets to wear it, y’know?

My new favorite song? Check it out here.