eRamblings

A friend of mine called me up the other day and suggested we go hit some balls at the local put-put place. I was stoked right off the bat (no pun intended, swear), but as it got closer to the time to go nerves started from nowhere. It has been probably close to a year if not more since the last time I hit a golf ball. I don’t mind looking like an idiot or laughing at myself, but I pride myself of being able to hit a ball. I have done enough practicing with my dad to know the basics.

This whole being in a car accident and breaking my wrist badly enough to have had hand therapy for over nine months has been harder than I thought. It has hit my confidence level more than I would like to admit. I am trying to just jump back in and not think when I am faced with a challenge, but it is a little scary.

I think my biggest fear is being faced with something I could do before and now, after, I won’t be able to do it.

Work has a team building event scheduled where we are going bowling. I was so excited til I realized I would have to bowl with my right hand. The one I am currently having trouble lifting things with and still feels like a hand not of my own. I will be bowling no matter what. I will do it. But the fear is I won’t be able to keep up or do well enough to please myself. Because I am my biggest competition. I am my worst enemy.

Fear of failure.

Not something I am used to. I have always believed that Failure Lies In Quitting - not not being able to do something. With all that happened to me this last year, I have lost my confidence, but instead of being afraid to fail, I have become afraid to try. I have avoided doing things that I may not be able to do. I can’t avoid them forever or I will lose some of the things I like doing most.

I have also been thinking I would like to take up a sports hobby like women’s softball. My dad suggested joining an adult swim team which has always been on my mind. Something I know I will eventually do. It’s inevitable. Swimming is in my blood. No matter what I do, I can’t forget that I lost my swim scholarship because of a herniated disc in my back.

Going to hit balls was so much fun. Frustrating yes, but way more fun. It left me thinking maybe I should look into golf lessons. In the hundreds of balls I hit probably only a dozen were actually good ones. Ones I would watch sailing in the air and think, “I’ve still got it,” but it didn’t matter because I may not have been able to hit the ball, but about the same amount of times I could feel myself slip into my golf stance. I remembered what it felt like to put the club next to the ball, move my feet til I felt good, arrange my shoulders and arms into position than take a deep resounding breath before gripping the club and starting my swing. No matter what happened after that, it felt good. Damn good.

Golf has always been something I have enjoyed. It is a wonderful opportunity to enjoy quality time with my dad. Eventually it became something I love to do. But yesterday I realized it is a great stress reliever too. It is a good thing to get out and do with others and on my own. I don’t need anyone else to enjoy golf. Hence golf lessons. I will feel better about my game and I can relax at the same time. Bonus.

Check out this article on msn.com about Women and golf.

I have been trying to forget the past year or so of events simply because I want it all to be behind me. I want to be free from the chaos of it all. I want to let go of the emotional prison I have felt stuck in. But mostly because I have felt like the chains are falling off and I am starting over. Back to the person I remember being way back when. When I was happy and carefree.

I like this person I am becoming.

I like the fun and playfulness of it all.

I like the not harboring resentment and filled with anxiety.

I have missed this person.

But days like today, make me wonder if I can really let it all go. If maybe it will always be a part of me.

Sometime in the past I lost that confident kick ass woman. I became self doubting. I stopped seeing myself as someone who could conquer the world and got rather sucked up in the sadness of it all. I never used to doubt myself the way I do now. When faced with a problem, I would linger on the consequences and then go for it, knowing I would be fine regardless of the outcome. Then again, I was blissfully unaware of how bad things could really be. I led a pretty sheltered life.

Then last year happened. And kept happening.

I didn’t realize how bad it had affected me til I went back to work. For the first couple of months I would break down not realizing how distraut I was about everything. I would second guess myself at the most trivial things. And with the help of time and wonderful people around me, I think I got back to a somewhat confident me.

But today, I was given another speech about taking risks (at work) and I found myself thinking, “I thought I was finally doing so. I felt as if I was getting comfortable in my skin again. I felt like I was doing a pretty damn good job. Finally.” And when I gave in and questioned it I foudn that I really haven’t been diving in without care. I have been holding back - still. I have been cautious. I am still protecting myself against pain and sadness.

Then I reminded myself of how far I have come. How much pain and loss I have not only endured, but gotten past. I have healed. I am healing. It is just a process. And a long one at that. I just have to keep being patient and rolling with the punches. I have to keep taking time out for reconciliation and recouperation.

I have to keep on, keeping on.

y’know?

I have seen this post over at different blogs like this one. Each and every time I see it, I get a silent thrill that we are not confessing things we didn’t do. It is not not fun. And since this is the year of fun (for me) I decided to join in and take a gander of what I’m not doing.

I didn’t go out and have a few too many beers.

I didn’t go out the next night and have another few too many beers.

I didn’t have a friend drive me home and then back to pick up my car in the morning.

I am not having a fantabulously fun time with my friends lately.

I didn’t go to a dance club that I haven’t been to in over a decade (oh no I didn’t).

I didn’t come home as the sun was coming up either.

I didn’t go to work and tell them I just wasn’t feeling well - didn’t know why - just that my stomach was a little achy with a slight headache.

Join in MckMama for other fun Not Me Mondays!