eRamblings

Tag 1 - From Here to There and Everywhere tagged me to post a picture. The meme is fairly simple:
1. Go to the fourth picture folder on your computer.
2. Post the fourth picture in that folder.
3. Explain the picture.
4. Tag four more people.

This was Christmas morning when the kitties got to see what Santa gave them. Izabel got her stuff first and then Tuesday. Izabel gets kind of jealous, see. This is where Izabel (top of photo) realized that Tuesday (bottom of photo) had some stuff too and wanted to see what it was because of course the grass is always greener.  Tuesday wasn’t in the mood for Izabel to mess with her, so there was a bit of growling going on. After a couple of minutes, Izabel gave in and went back to her Santa gifts and left Tues alone.

Tag 2 -

Five names you go by
1. Heidi

2. Hide (my sister mostly)

3. Auntie (uh, my niece)

4. The Warden (family nickname - apparently I like to tell people what to do, ahem)

*that is all*

Three things you are wearing right now
1.tank

2. lounge pants

3. my eye glasses
Two things you want very badly at the moment
1. to buy this incredibly wonderful patio house just down the street from me

2. to find a focus other than my hand/wrist exercises from the car accident/broken wrist

Five people who will fill this out
 **I’m sorry but this ques always annoys me - see below for tagged people**

Two things you did last night
1. ate dinner at my parent’s house

2. watched Cash Cab
Two things you are going to do today or already have done
1. going to a doctor’s appointment

2. call school to talk about my student loan (sounds fun right?)
Two of the longest road trips
1. driving from Houston, TX to California which I was very young so all I remember is my parent’s putting us in the car and then I woke up and we were there, but apparently they hated both my sister and I bc we woke and said, “we’re already there?!”

2. Driving to Rocky Point, from the moment we hit the border I had to pee and it took SO LONG to find a bathroom (and no I cannot pee on the side of the road, I’m shy)

Three of your favorite beverages
1. coffee

2. Minute Maid mango, peach and banana juice

3. Pink Pussy (not the shot though, most bars will make it as a drink - the one with Sprite and Watermelon Pucker)

What did you eat today
1. Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal

2. so far just that and coffee

Two people you last talked to on the phone
1. my attorney’s assistant regarding my car accident
2. another doctor to set an appointment (or rather the receptionist)

I’m tagging:CinnKitty

Blue Bamboo

Cynnie

Amy

Jodifur

I am a huge cereal girl. I probably eat cereal 98% of the time for breakfast. I know that it isn’t the healthiest thing to eat nor do I even attempt to buy the non sugary cereals because I know I won’t eat them. It is the one meal I just don’t want to replace with anything healthy like Raisin Bran. But every once in awhile I get a huge craving for some type of healthy bowl.

Here’s my solution -

I slice up a layer of bananas, then pour a layer of Cheerios followed by another layer of bananas and so on and so forth. Not only does it taste good, but I know it is healthy.

And that is what works for me.

Visit Rocks in my Dryer for other great tips!

the cutest baby sitting next to me in a carrier and the mom, i’m guessin is close to my age. she’s pretty and reminds me a bit6 of my sister, maybe it’s the french braid. my sister alwys wore a french braid when we were growing up or maybe that was just some wonderfully beautiful thing i remember about my sister. i can picture her sitting on the couch, hair fresh from a shower and she has her hands over her head, fingers moving like Picasso and when she is done it’s so perfect. she is so beautiful - my sister. baby sits so quietly i barely even notice there’s a baby in the room, but i’m drawn to her; pulls at my heart strings; wanna hold her and makes me want to have one too. but that’s nothing new. a gentleman in a suit sits down too gets on his cell phone and starts talking, not loud like other people, but so quietly I couldn’t even hear him and I am only about three feet from him. intriguing. like someone whispering, naturally i pull in to try and hear what he’s saying versus those obnoxious people who scream into the phone in the smallest room. i always feel like i have an opinion when that happens. if it’s so loud all i can concentrate on is their phone conversation - damn insurance guess i should have canceled it years ago . . . what dio you mean her parole office said she can’t get out for another year. those conversations are always way more information than anyone should ever have to know espeically a room of strangers. those phone calls, i give it my full attention and my voice. we are just waiting. all of us own some sort of vw. i wonder what type they own. do you think what car you drive tells something about you? or maybe it just tells something about what type of person you want to be? or were in another lifetime? i haven’t even owned my vw for a month and I am already in the service department. bummer. hopefully this isn’t a sign of things to come, but i’m not worried they always take good care of me here. man i love car warranties. it’s like having a car expert at my fingertips and he gives free car washes and tops off the fluids. as i sit here i know i should be doing my hand/wrist exercises, but for once, for one small moment in time i want to look and feel normal. not have others ask me what happened or pity me or stare at me tying to figure out why i have a stress ball in my hand or some other contraption. normalcy. what is it really? is normalcy when we ignore that which we find strange? or is it really something that you can find on those who aren’t unique? if we all had it would it still be called normalcy or cultish? i am a little nervous. i have a meeting with my boss’ boss in a couple of hours. i am not nervous because the outcome could be bad. quite frankly i am not concerned with the decision my boss’ boss comes to either way my worring won’t make it change. what i can control is how i handle myself and what i say. she is the type of person who can sit down ask one question and then proceed to watch you hang yourself as your mouth digs a hole. it’s awfully nerve-wracking, but i am learning. if she were a man it would be good business, but because she is a woman it is bitchy. that’s so wrong. this woman is definitely a mentor of mine. i admire her stength and reservedness. i am teaching myself to be patient; to sit back and wait. it is so hard for me, but the more i practice the more i realize how vital it is to life to be able to sit back and watch how things play out. i don’t have to always be the instigator, the controller. i can only control myself and my words. takes a lot of pressure off myself. very freeing. the service guy pops up and tells both myself and the woman with the baby that our cars are ready. good. time to go wait somewhere else. waiting is good practice for me, for life in general.

The other day I was sitting on my patio drinking a cup of steaming coffee enjoying the cool morning air. I hadn’t really started my day or really began thinking about anything for that matter which is very strange for me. I have always woken up with my brain revved and ready to go, my body following. But a lot of things have changed in me in the past six months.

I looked out into the sky. It was incredibly blue with a few clouds. It was peacefully quiet. A few people milling about walking their dogs and going to wherever it was they were going. I was sitting there in my pjs and robe, bundled up against the early morning breeze, but content just sitting there.

And a thought came to mind -

I am happy. Truly happy today.

Immediately my mind started searching for what reason I had to be so peacefully happy. But nothing came to mind. No great feat of accomplishment. No major joyous changes have occurred in the past days. Nothing special.

And then I realized that I had been feeling this pleasantly peaceful feeling for awhile now. Despite what was going on in my life, I still had this underlying happiness.

It still amazes me each and every day that it dawns on me how free I feel now that I am at peace.

I have conquered those inner demons. I am learning to let things go. I am learning that I cannot (and don’t need to) control every thing in my life. I am no longer afraid of the unknown, the known possibilities and every other little thing that used to hold me back in terror.

I haven’t won the lottery. In fact, I got in a car accident a little over two months ago and broke my right wrist (the one I do every thing with and am now relearning it all). I am not experiencing some incredible love life. I am on leave of absence from my current job due to my injury.

Nothing truly spectacular has happened to me. In fact, my life has probably gotten more complicated in the past months that it ever has before, but I don’t care. I am still happy.

How is this possible?

Oh, I have my days where I am sad because of whatever reason. I have my days where I am so frustrated and angry with the slow progression of my wrist and the function (or non function) of my hand. I have those moments where someone is relentlessly rude or having road rage issues. But I refuse to let it get to me. I refuse to carry that anger with me. Not anymore.

I take time to feel my emotions when they are overwhelming, but it doesn’t last so long. It doesn’t make me feel the same despair as in the past.

No matter what happens life will go on. And I am okay with whatever it brings my way.

I am at peace.

Makes me want to do the happy dance.

“Peace is not about conquering conflict, but rather conquering inner conflict.” - annonymous

***I encourage you to read this news article and follow this wonderful blog as well. Amazing courage and just in case you are struggling, this may help you feel like you too can continue on.***

This morning I woke up at 9:38am. (this is what happens when you go over to a girl friend’s house til 2am order pizza, play mario cart, drink wine and talk up a storm)

Got up made coffee, fed the kitties and cleaned out the icky litter boxes. I was in the process of checking emails (because I am hooked on computers like that) and started to wonder which movies had come out this week. I pull up AMC because they offer $5 movies every Friday, Saturday and Sunday before Noon.

There are a few movies coming out soon that I would like to see - Confessions of a Shopaholic,  Revolutionary Road (which I think is now in all theaters, but I am still reading the book), New in Town, He’s Just Not That Into You (I think every girl can relate to this one and what a fun cast) and I know Bride Wars is out, but I can wait til I am just in the mood to see any movie for that one.

The one that looked good to me was - Notorious playing at 10:10am.

Hmmm, got me to thinking. Since I was still kind of waking up my brain, I got up and poured a cup of coffee.

At 9:58am I decided to go see that movie. I threw on some jeans, brushed my teeth and poured the coffee to go. My stomach growled a bit, but I figured I would be fine waiting. No stress. If I missed the movie, then so be it, but I figure there are always about ten minutes of previews (which I happen to love) so I had time to get there.

Stepping outside, the cool air felt wonderful. I slipped into the theater with at least one and a half previews to watch before the movie started. Not bad timing.

One problem with going to a movie by myself is that when I have to get up and go to the bathroom, there isn’t anyone to tell me what I missed.

It was a good movie. Good music, good acting and gave me another dose of why it is so important to live life to the fullest. It can end at any moment.

Tell every important person in your life how you feel every moment you feel it.

And do what makes you happy and gives you peace.

I went to the grocery store today for the first time to buy real food. When I say real food I mean the kind of food you cook, not microwave or get out of a box. Since I have limited use of my hand because of the car accident and broken wrist I have been delaying cooking. Little nervous around the stove. My dad, however, convinced me I could probably use my George Foreman without much effort.

I arrived at the grocery store when I was starving. Really bad. I try to never go when I am hungry, much less starving.

When I got to the meat department, I was perturbed to find that the prices of meat are kind of high right now. Steaks from $7 and up, mostly in the $10 range and they weren’t very big at all. I didn’t realize I was standing there for awhile until this meat guy comes up to me and asks if I am finding everything alright.

I told him, “I guess, but the prices seem high.”

He of course told me in a voice that made me sound stupid, “Not really.”

Uhm, yeah okay buddy. Go back to your corner and let me figure this out. Instead he stood there and proceeded to tell me about his favorite meat for burgers. I have to add that he did a good selling job. Course I was so hungry I would have bought shit off a stick not to mention I would have loved to shut the guy up and just let me look. No such luck. I ended up buying a thing of ground meat which he proclaims is really good for you and I also bought a steak which was very reasonably priced which he said was so good I would never want to eat anything else. Uhm, right. We’ll see.

It didn’t occur to me til I was carting the bags up the stairs to my place that the ground meat requires forming it into an actual patty for a burger. I know what patties look like and I know I can probably fake it, but damn it if I didn’t wish I had someone to show me first.

I mean if I did get the best ground beef ever I better be able to make a nice looking patty. Right?

Yes, I am dripping with sarcasm.

Today was definitely one of those days I wonder if I am being punk’d or if I just have bad karma or what.

Last night my dad calls me at 10:30pm to tell me that I am expected to pick up my nice from her sleepover party tomorrow at 1pm. This is news to me, but whatever. He also informs me she is pretty sure we are going to exchange shoes, hit the park with my husband and stepson and whatnot. I know exactly what she is talking about, but to my recollection she was supposed to call me and let me know what her mom said so I could plan it some Saturday in the future.

I immediately call my husband who I inform that my niece seems to think we are all getting together tomorrow for a stint at the park and can he go? He is busy. No big deal, I figure we can go ourselves.

Today, I keep looking outside and there is no wind to speak of. Not a hair. I have dragged this little girl (she was 3 at the time) to the park with kites before. While she stood there all cute in her blonde pigtails holding the string, I ran around like an idiot trying to get the kite in the air. No such luck. I am not going to put myself through that again.

When I picked her up, she told me she planned to go exchange her shoes. Cool I can do that. I bought her a pair of DC shoes for xmas and I have exchanged them twice, but they were still too small. This last time I told her I would wait til she went with me so I got the right size. We headed to my parent’s house where we had left the shoes at xmas. We knock. No answer. I call my dad who is golfing. Which as I am talking to him I remember him vaguely telling me he would be gone. Damn.

Remember I lost my keys? Yeah, I haven’t replaced them yet. I drive over to my mom’s work, get her keys, drive down to the key place in the same center and - they have moved. I drive over to their new location. They’re closed. I drive to Lowe’s. The guy who helped me with the keys decided to be a dick and wouldn’t copy the keys without them off the key ring. I am not trying to be difficult, but I have NEVER had a key copied that I had to take off. And then the key I picked out wasn’t the right number (according to him) - there are house keys and car keys - the one I chose was a car key and he wouldn’t do it. Again, I have bought a car key for a house key before, but whatever. Surprise the key I want is out of stock in the size I need. SOB! I pick the next best key. He makes a copy of my mom’s house key and my house key (so I can put my own duplicate house key back for when I lose them again). It cost me $10 to get keys copied!

We drop off my mom’s keys then as we are pulling into my parent’s house I get a call from my sister asking if we are done yet. Uhm, what? I thought I had her all afternoon. It’s only been an hour. I tell her we still have to exchange her shoes. She says that’s fine.

We drive to the mall, not the usual location I get these shoes, but it is closer. When we look at the wall of shoes I don’t see the shoe we are exchanging. Not a good sign. I ask the sales guy (really some kid who looks like he is bored senseless and maybe a bit stoned) if they have this shoe in a 6? He goes back for a long time. Comes out with a no. I ask him to call the store I usually go to and see if they have that size. He says sure. Two seconds later he comes back and asks me - You needed a four right? Uhm, no a 6. They have a 7. Fine have them put it on hold. I am pretty sure she will end up with that size anyway. We see another shoe design she likes so while we are there I ask for that shoe in a 6 and 7. The guy is gone for an eternity. He comes out with that shoe in a 6 and lo and behold the guy found a 7 in the original shoe we liked. Yeah!

She tries the 7 on and immediately I can see she doesn’t like it. I ask her what’s wrong? Auntie, it’s too big. I tell her to stand up and I feel her toe at the good spot. It fits perfect, but she is so used to wearing a shoe too small I can tell by her face no amount of convincing will help the situation. I mean the girl went up three sizes - we started with a 4 which is what she was wearing today. I ask her to try on the other shoe she likes in the 6. Too small. The guy gets a 6.5. Nope still too small. Finally the 7 works. I can tell she is sold.  I ask her to walk around in it. I ask her to try the other shoe on one more time. This is the one I want her to buy because it is a DC shoe which she asked for and much better made for the money. I ask her to walk. I tell her if it is too big your heel will slip out. It doesn’t. She’s not sold. I ask her if she will wear these shoes? I can tell her answer is no. Fine. I give. We get the other shoes in a 7.

I go up to the register and as the guy is exchanging the shoes he informs me the shoes will be $30 something dollars more. Uhm, no they are the same price as the others were and as you can see on my receipt my originial purchase was buy one get the other half off. I want the same deal I got originally.  They won’t do it. At this point I am totally losing my cool. I ask him to get the manager. Surprise, she isn’t here nor is she picking up her phone. Great. I take a deep breath and stand there for a minute. I look at my niece who is taking all this in and I am aware this is killing some of her happiness. I can’t have her take the damn shoes off just so we can drive to the other store to get the same deal. I can’t do that to her. I lean into the counter and quietly say, “Look I got a deal before Xmas and I am just exchanging here. Please do me a favor and take care of me.” The guy tells me he will knock off $10. Fucker. But I give in anyway.

I can’t do anymore. I just don’t want to fight anymore. It isn’t worth it to me. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t have to make a scene. I am the bigger person. It’s his problem he won’t do it.

As we walk out of the store my niece looks at me and asks, “Is it my fault they cost more?”

My heart breaks a little more, “No baby. Not at all. That guy just didn’t give good customer service.” I pull her in for a walking hug and ask, “So are they the coolest shoes ever?” She gets this grin on her face and looks down, “Yes they are.”

I’m being tested. How badly do I want to learn to live without anger. How far am I willing to go. How much patience do I have.

I will win. I am so much happier without the stress and anxiety that I had before. I don’t want that life anymore. Nothing is worth getting so upset it eats at me for days. Nothing.

But just to make sure I am paying attention. I mean really paying attention . . . The key he copied for my place - it doesn’t work.

Lately I can’t seem to manage formulating a thought much lest a post that is reader worthy. SO for a grabber I have a hilarious story about a kid.

Hanging out with a friend the other day, her son happened to walk in the door after school. Got him set up for homeowrk and continued to talk. Later in the day we were trying to figure out what to have for dinner,when the kid wanted to ride in my new car. So he told his mom to stay home in her “happy place” while we go get dinner. Then proceeded to explain how he got that phrase from Transformers when the teenager talks about masterbation. In the movie, the mother says, we’ll call it your happy place.” WIthout hesitation he follows this up with, “What is masterbation?”

Now I have had the sex conversation with my niece a few times simply due to her questions about body parts and what they do. I generally ask more questions than give answers, but my friend jumped right into “it’s when you play with yourself.”

The kid required no explaination. He glowed with embarrassment, laughed nervously and then said, “Mom! You said play with yourself!”

She answered him sarcastically with, “Well it isn’t like you aren’t doing it all the time.”

Again, he laughed and became deeply embarrassed.

I on the other hand, was trying very hard not to roll on the floor in hysterics.

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Within the last couple of weeks since my car accident I have spent many a days in waiting rooms for various doctors. One that I only see once a month. You know, this is the doctor you go in wait for over an hour, then they strip you down to your skivvies and leave you in a freezing room for another twenty minutes (sometimes longer). Only to be greeted by the nurse who takes your temp, blood stats and then says, “The doctor will be right in.” Yeah, I stopped believing that when I was 16 years old. If I’m lucky, another thirty minutes will go by and then the doctor will show up. “How are you doing?” Talks for a few minutes about completely worthless information then says “Okay, I’ll see you in a month and we’ll follow up again.” Seriously two hours later.

It’s like going to Disneyland. I wait two hours in line for a thirty second ride. As a child it was so worth it and I run back in line. As an adult I want to punch the doctor, or throw a fit in the waiting room or best case cancel the appointment. I would rather have a corn dog on a stick than go on the damn ride. At least the fat will hit my thighs faster than I will feel the thrill of the ride.

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I was so excited yesterday when my niece lost a tooth. Well, lost is the wrong word because my dad pulled it out. She has been complaining about it for weeks, so my dad asked to look at it. Then without her knowledge he gingerly pulled it out. She of course freaked out and kept saying I will never trust Bampy again. And continued to rant for what seemed like hours about how she was loosing all this blood from her heart.

Bless that child, she is so like me.

Exaggerator!

Then she started talking about the tooth fairy and I immediately realized that would be me because she was spending the night at my house. Damn! That is by far my least favorite part about parenting. I absolutely hate sneaking around. I am always afraid I will screw it up. It is so easy to slip when talking to someone or to bring in bags with stocking stuffers in them and have the kid know.

This year I got a plastic ring out of the 25¢ machines and put it in my mom’s stocking, My niece knew exactly what that was. No one said anything, but I could tell she was really thinking about it. My mom is sure she knows, but isn’t ready to give it up.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with prolonging the whole growing up. Holidays just aren’t the same when you realized all the make believe; the magic is gone. And if she really is as much like me as we all think, it will devastate her as it did me. Still today I am deeply disappointed not to be able to let my mind go to the magic of it all. Although living vicariously through kid’s excitement works as well.

I just don’t want to be the bearer of bad news; the one who kills the dream. Heaven forbid, I am leaving the money and she walks around the corner.

Thankfully the kid sleeps like death. And she also passed out earlier than I thought.

I woke up this morning to her telling me the tooth fairy left $2 for her. She seemed happy. Maybe just not disappointed. And sometimes in life all we have is the hope of believing in the make believe.

Question: Why do they overfill a pot hole so that instead of bumping in it, now I bump over it?

My favorite coffee is no longer being sold at the local store. The ONLY store that sells it. Damn it. Now I have to go online and buy it in bulk cases.  I love this coffee. I live off it. There is such a big difference in taste it’s not even funny. I buy Ghiradelli Naturally Decaffeinated Double Chocolate Coffee. Oh so yummy. And let’s face it, for those of us who drink decaf there aren’t a lot of choices out there. Let alone really god ones.

Time to take the Christmas tree down. Why is it that no matter how long the holidays seem, it always seems too short for all the decorations we have to take down? Kind of funny really.

I was supposed to go back to work sometime next week being that it’s been about six weeks since my car accident and the surgeon recommended six to eight weeks off work, but my hand therapist informed me today that she doesn’t recommend releasing me to work for another four weeks minimum. I am shocked to say the least. I told her how about three weeks because after 90 days they have the right to give my position away and only have to give me an equal level position. I can’t have that. If and when I go back, I would want at least my same position. I completely understand what she’s saying because I still can’t form a fist or write with a pen or really hold anything. But I am frustrated.

Frankly, I am bored. Never thought I would say that, but my movement is limited. This is just not a whole hell of a lot of fun. She gave me recommendations today like reading which is fun, but I struggle to hold the book and turn pages. She said knitting - this should be interesting.

As i is I wach tv while holding a hammer. I rotate it back and forth - clockwise and counterclockwise to encourage motion in my wrist. Painful and just plain stupid. I also have a ball that I lay my hand on and roll back and forth.I constantly have a stress ball in my hand to promote strengthening.

I feel so stupid because months ago I did all this without thinking about it. I am frustrated. I am angry at times, but I try to remember it could have been worse. I am lucky.