eRamblings

I lost my keys. You know the ones that unlock and lock everything in my little world. I lost them sometime between Friday night and Saturday morning.

I think.

Course I could not remember for the life of me what I had done the night before (don’t do drugs, people, it kills brain cells - even when you take the drugs for a broken wrist - it still kills the brain cells). Before having a normal, adult conversation with my parent’s about where my keys were I blew up. I freaked out and started crying in hysteria. I blame it on the drugs — again.

If you ask my parent’s they will say they had nothing to do with it. They remember picking me up on Friday night, where I locked my door, walked down the stairs and then stood in the parking lot modeling which high heels I should wear to my cousin’s college graduation. (the navy matched my jeans better)

And when I woke up, threw on clothes to go feed my kitties the next morning - my keys were gone. Not in my purse. Not on the counter. Not in my pocket - jacket or jeans. Not in the car or under the bed.

My mother was already waiting in the car to drive me over to my apartment. I think I had felt like I had been screwing up that week with my parents and add on to the fact that I hadn’t been sleeping well given the stupid vice of a night wrist splint and oh, I don’t know, the fact that I broke my wrist and it hurts like hell.

Equals total two year old melt down.

My parents did exactly what parents do when their kid throws a fit.

They ignored me.

And after I had calmed down and apologized, my parents helped me out.

We still haven’t located the keys, but I did feel better (minus a small loss of pride).

This is the problem with living with parents. No matter how old you are - the minute you walk in the door, you have turned back into THEIR CHILD and no amount of schooling, therapy or whatnot will change that. Thankfully both my parents and I have had past experience with it.

Is it worse if the keys fell out of my purse or I lost them?

Just in case you’re wondering, this whole one-handed typing thing is driving me bonkers. And if you don’t know why I’m typing one-handed go here.

I went grocery shopping the other night, but because I didn’t know if I would be spending a ton of time at my place I only bought the basics - bread, milk, eggs, cheese, juice and a few frozen dinners (snicker). Unfortunately, hind-sight is 20/20 and I have been living off these few items for a few days now. Uhg. I decided to go for a PB&J sandwich tonight, but no matter what I did I could not get the damn jelly lid off. After much deliberation, I opened my front door and lo and behold one of my neighbors was standing there. I asked her if she could open the jar for me. To add insult to injury - she speaks spanish. I dredged up what spanish I could remember at the moment and tried to convince her I wasn’t crazy, just gimpy. She finally understood and opened it for me. Now I know I need to have my dad go through and loosen all the bottles and jars for me the next time he comes over. Lame.

My parents are doing this environmental friendly thing where they use real plates instead of paper. After living with them for over a month I think it’s stuck with me. Sadly I don’t enjoy doing dishes like they do. Or maybe I’m just lazier. They are piling up and I never have enough dishes to fill the dishwasher and continue having meals. If I was smart, I would just rewash the same plate, bowl, cup and silverware I use every day, but hey I don’t feel like being the brightest bulb right now.

My cats missed me. Apparent in the fact that Tues follows me around all day and every time I sit down she jumps on my lap and proceeds to take a very long nap - til my legs start to ache or my bladder is killing me. And Izabel seems to be fascinated with having me pet her with the arm that doesn’t work. No matter how much I try to coax her to my left side, she just won’t do it. But I am loving the incessant company.

Gotta go buy a car. Still have yet to get behind the wheel. My nerves may kill me first. People are idiots and no matter how hard I try to be a defensive driver, I could not have avoided the accident. Let me repeat that.   I could not have avoided the accident. This scares me. I cannot imagine going through this kind of pain again. But I don’t want to be scared either. Gettin to be that time to just grab the bull by the horns.

My fav xmas gift this year has to be the Martha Stewart’s Cooking School Book. It has all I need to know from seasonings, cutting meat, utensils, etc. I have been looking through it - when the cat isn’t on my lap - and can’t wait til my hand gets better to cook some stuff. And now, I won’t have to call mom to ask her how to boil eggs - though I may just to do so.

All this physical therapy has me thinking about a career change. Kind of funny really.

For the past couple of years dealing with my TMJ I have done so much research on my own to help my personal health that I am acutely aware of many of the different terms. Makes me wonder if I should look into a career in physical therapy and specialize in TMJ.

I already have a degree so I would only need to take that to a master’s program which would mean about 2-3 years of schooling. I could work and intern in an office while doing so. Kind of makes me wonder.

I have been reading more and more about the fact that fibromyalgia is finally being really looked at and diagnosed hopefully this means more states may recognize TMJ as being an official disease and possibly be covered under health insurance. Currently only nine states cover it.

I have a mixture of stretching DVDs that I use to loosen up my TMJ and the surrounding areas. Each time I do them, I think how great it would be to put together all the particular stretches that are specific for TMJ along with the stretches/physical therapy I have skewed from doctors over the years to produce my own DVD to help others as well.

I would love to be able to make a difference in a health concern I have.

I have officially grounded myself from my phone. The month before last my bill was over $400 and this last month over $200. Yikes! Guess I have figured out what I do when I am stuck at home all day. I either need to add minutes to my plan or start emailing people.

The pain in my arm seems to be going down a bit. Nights still suck though. I have a night wrist splint which looks like half an oven mitt. I lay my hand on the bottom of the mitt then velcro my wrist and fingers down in it. It feels like I am putting my fingers between two two by fours and then squeezing them together all night. In the morning my hand feels like wood - takes quite a bit of movement to get the fingers working again. I have been ding my best to work my fingers like normal, but they still feel odd and are stiff. I am not allowed to lift anything yet. My wrist still only twists about 50% and flexing the wrist is very little. But according to my hand therapist things are coming along nicely. She must be the one taking drugs because every time I see her I end up sobbing. My hand therapy sessions are up to two hours long now ending with her twisting my wrist in ways that feel like she will rebreak it. I have seen grown men cry in her office during their visits with her so apparently my pain is normal. I find this amazing given the revolutionary mdical advances we have. There should be something that can be done to relieve the pain and I don’t just mean taking more narcotics.

I have been spending more time at my apartment this weekend which I like simply because I missed my cats so damn much. Apparently the feeling is mutual. I spend most of the day with one or the other cat on my lap. I am loving all the attention.

On Tuesday the surgeon took the pins out of my wrist. Incredibly odd feeling to say the least. He then gave me a new wrist splint which is really more like a bowling wrist guard. Not much support to begin with. Then I went to my hand therapist who gave me a night splint that will keep my fingers straight during sleeping - it looks like a big blue oven mitt. Now I have to really start moving my wrist which is painful (shocker) because it hasn’t really moved in a month. Very tight, very sore.

Great thing is I am no longer bound by the horrible pins or the splint. I can wear it as little as I want because movement is important. This also means (hopefully) I am on the downhill slope. I was so exited all day Tuesday til the pain of no pin support started to set in. Then I started taking my pain meds. lol

This also means it is time to start looking for a new car. I really, really liked my VW Golf. Which I found out is now called a Rabbit. I am trying to decide if I want the brand new basic edition (with a warranty) or a couple years older upgraded package VW. My dad thinks I should look around a bit too at the Honda Civic or Toyota Corolla. Not sure yet. I am really in love with VWs. I am scared to drive too. Heaven knows I don’t want to be one of those drivers creating accidents trying to be overly cautious. I asked my dad to take me out (when my wrist is farther along) so I can practice with him in the car. Getting used to being in control again after the accident. One of my friends said it will be different when I get behind the wheel rather than just being a passenger.

This also means I may be going back to work sometime soon. I still can only do work with one hand which work cannot accommodate, but as soon as I can hang clothes they may be able to at least use me in the fitting room. Who knows? It would be good to get back. I just want to make sure I don’t go back and then realize I can’t completely do my job well enough to help and then go back on loa. I want to go back for good. Y’know?

Yesterday was a funny day. I dropped both the cats off at the groomers/vets (and when I say I, I mean my mom chaufered). I then went back to my place and cleaned from top to bottom including steam cleaning the carpets because Isabel was kind enough to show her displeasure at me being gone by peeing all over the place. Do you have any idea how hard it is to maneuver a heavy cleaner around a tiny apartment? I kept laughing at how stupid and uncoordinated I felt. I did however mix up my hand physical therapy by picking up the cleaner chord and miscilaneous cat toys with my bum hand. Right now at the therapists I am picking up rice, beans, marbles and other annoying little stuff. It felt really, really good to do something somewhat normal even if it was cleaning. And on the brightside my place is sparkly! Granted everything in my fridge is toast/garbage so I will need to go grocery shopping, but that’s later when I can cook for myself. My mom has been kind enough to supply my milk jug so I can have coffee and cereal when I am over here.

I got a call later in the day that the cats were ready to be picked up, but that Tuesday had tried to attack the groomer so they left her in her carrier and did not groom her. I was shocked to say the least. I expect this from Izabel, but Tues is this sweet, loving kitty. I automaticaly assumed something had happened and was worried. When I went to pick them up I was so worried about Tues I completey forgot to tip the groomer for Izabel. When I got home, I opened the crate door picturing a massively tramatized cat and instead out pops Tues perfectly fine. And I’d swear with a slightly triumphant look on her face. I wanted to kill her. Instead I made a new appointment to have her groomed on Christmas Eve because it is very quiet that day and they promised to get her in and out before she knew what was happening. I did also tell the groomer her tip would be given on that day as well since they couldn’t take the card over the phone.

A couple of nights ago I was woken up by excruciating pain in my wrist like someone was stabbing me. Turns out I wasn’t too far off. Later that day I took the wrappings off my wrist to do exercises and clean the pins only to see the pins trying to push their way out the opposite side they were put in. Oh yeah, you heard me right. The pins were put in the side were my thumb is - they stick out on this side so they can remove them. Problem is the swelling has gone down so much in my wrist they are starting to break the skin on the wrist side of my pinkie. When I called the doctor he told me I would be fine and he would see me at our regularly scheduled appointment. I was extremely upset that he would allow this kind of pain. Every time I move the skin moves and rubs against the pins basically feeling like being sliced open. Not fun. And I am out of pain pills so sleeping is really hard.

The pic above was taken last week. All the brusing is starting to rise as the swelling goes down.The two white balls are the tops of the pins. I have a scar about same size on the other side of my wrist where they put the plate in.

And here is what my baby car looked like when I said goodbye (getting the license plates and other minute items).

Today I am feeling a bit better. I think I am adjusting to the pain. Odd. I know. But whatever.

I have been doing my hand exercises twice a day which means I can now (after warming up the hand) squeeze a loose fist and straighten my fingers almost all the way. Very exciting stuff. Hand therapy cracks me up because I get to try (stress try) picking up beans and rice (uncooked of course) and putting them in a bowl as well as squeeze a sponge. Very technical stuff. When I actually stop and think about it all, it highly depresses me because I used to be able to do so much more. The not being able to multitask sucks. I am not patient and everything takes FOREVER to do.

I really try to focus on the positive of it all.

I AM getting better. (Slowly, but surely.)

The accident could have been way worse. (I could have broken my pelvic bone like a girl I met in one dr oofice or a broken rib - met in another.)

The other driver could not have had insurance and not admitted fault. (Thank goodness he did, on both accounts.)

My parents could be less loving (will I ever be able to repay them?)

And the list goes on.

I met with the doctor who will be helping me with neck, back and shoulder pain today. Which I have to admit the heat, massage and muscle stimulus felt good. 

But in the spirit of the season - I am doing ok.

My days lately have been spent trying to figure out who can drive me or pick me up for one of the many random doctors I am seeing right now for my broken wrist and neck/shoulder pain from the car accident. It can be so frustrating.

Everyone is so busy and I feel like a pain in the ass. Although as one of the doctors said, that is probably the only place that doesn’t hurt. Funny guy. It wouldn’t be such a big deal if I could drive myself, but because I can’t drive I am on everyone else’s time. It kills me to have them wait for me and knowing my parent’s are missing work for me. I have no problems being dropped off and having to wait except for one doctor who has little to no magazines (what kind of drs office doesn’t have magazines?). I am trying to be as easy and flexible as possible. The other day I had cereal and oatmeal for the day because even though my dad was home and I very well could haveasked him to make me something, he was busy working and I hated to bug him.

Tuesday and Wednesday were horrible days. Spent most of my physical therapy sobbing while writhing in pain from the therapist stretching the tendons in my fingers and hand. It felt like he was going to break my fingers. And I can’t even begin to explain all the pain from moving my wrist a few centimeters back and forth. And then the next day everytime I moved my arm flinched in pain. Both the bones just throb. In the middle of the night the swelling in my arm wakes me up. I can feel it pounding in the splint.

For the first time since my surgery I got angry the other day. I wanted the guy who caused the accident to have to go through all that I have. I am sure he is going to work and functioning like nothing happened whereas my life has been on hold. But I am trying not to focus on that.

Alas life goes on.

Getting a divorce I am in the process of saying goodbye to my old insurance and hello to my new plan. It is fabulous having a really great corporate insurance plan with all the necessary needs in place. With my new insurance I have little to want, but I also have to make tough decisions.

I have the best pain management doctor ever.He knows exactly what I need. He has been then during my greatest hours of need with TMJ pain and he has insured my recovery. Unfortunately he is not on my new insurance. He is out of network.

This accident has not only inflamed my TMJ pain, but brought about new symptoms. If I stay with him and his recommended physical therapist I know I can get healthy quickly. I know it, but I will have a lean on the lawsuit of this accident. Not knowing the outcome of it all (even though I was definitely not at fault) I could end up having major bills not paid for.

So do I find a lesser beneficial doctor within my insurance plan who may cut corners, hinder my care and maybe take longer to cure me, but pay less in doctor bills or go out of network insuring my recovery, but have higher costs?

Deeply upset today knowing that if only health insurance allowed me to choose my doctor - the doctor that gives me the best care - I could live a much happier, more productive life. But due to regulation and cost I am not able to have the best care.

Obvious flaws within the health care system.