eRamblings

Three shots of vodka and a glass of wine topped off my evening last night. Not a good way to go to bed (okay so it was a great way to go to bed; chuckle) — but wakin’ up wasn’t so nice. Ended up in the McDonald’s drive-thru at 7:30am. Ordered me up some grease and cheap ass coffee. After a bit, stopped feeling so seasick. Thank god. I am so not a drinker, but it seems like in the past week or so I have been guzzling quite a bit of wine. Not a bad thing, but it may be time to put my rock n roll lifestyle on hold and get back to feeling again.

I don’t think it’s sadness so much as saying goodbye to a whole way of life that I have lived for four somethin’ years. Don’t get me wrong. I think I am entitled to live a little. I am getting a divorce and all. I mean you get a party for marriage, where’s the party for divorce?

But alas, it is time to move forward.

As my father would say, “What’s your plan?”

Lately I haven’t been even been able to grasp a thought to put together a maybe plan and I am the girl not only with a plan A, but a plan A-D. I am a goal-oriented, type A lifer.

Not havin’ a plan well, this is so unlike me. But I am not stressin. I know when the time comes I will sit down and get focused.

When I look back on the past week or so I have to admit, I have been having the time of my life. I may be tired at work. I may drink a bit too much. I may talk way to much. But none of it matters because I am having fun. Oh, so much fun.

My friends have been fabulous. Talking shit and drinkin wine late into the early morning. They don’t seem to be annoyed with all the talking I have been doing about all the dramatic things going on in my life. They have been there for me and I can’t thank them enough. And god only knows I have been enjoying the comraderie so much. My parent’s too - no judgement. In fact, my dad is the one I did the three shots with. (chuckling, again)

I got my first check from BlogherAds yesterday. I am SO excited!!! Thank you BlogherAds! You rock! It is very small, probably not even worth mentioning, but I am still stoked. And yes, I am spending it. No saving of this check. I would love to frame it, but it is too good not to go out and do something nice for myself. So thank you to all who read and comment on my blog. I appreciate the connection, the laughter and the incredible writing that y’all do.

Have an incredible Halloween!!

Completely in love with this song!! I would have NEVER guessed it was kid rock. Awesome!

I think I am a magnet of drama. I don’t know why. I think I have bad karma y’know?

For the past month I have been getting feedback from my boss that there are a couple of people on my team who seem to think I don’t do any work and I believe myself to be above them. Neither of these people will come forward and tell me themselves. In fact, I found out last week that they are actually speaking through a third person. We have  been trying to get to the bottom of this because it is creating controversy.

This past week my boss finally admitted she felt the few were probably trying to make trouble for me - basically they wanted me fired. Thankfully my boss admitted that she feels I work way too hard to get rid of me and would rather replace these people. (phew) I asked a couple other people on my team if they felt I was giving off this superior attitude and if they felt like I didn’t do the grunt work. They gave me feedback that they feel like though I do occasionally have days where I can come across harsh and they feel like they have done something wrong; for the most part they see I am running around all the time busy with all my stuff. They also admitted that they feel that this is past feelings. Before I started working there apparently the common thing was to go to work and have a good time, not really working too hard. When I started, from the get-go I made everyone start working and keep working. (uhm, hello we are at work aren’t we?) And that these people just don’t want to have to work so they are creating negativity in hopes of getting me fired. I know who two of them are simply because every time I work with them they give me grief about have to do stuff - uhm, anything.

Sound similar to what my boss was saying?

I have been pretty much trying to stay out of it all. There is so much drama and political crap at work that I just can’t stand. But I am also keeping on top of what is being said.

I devised a plan last month to make sure I was visually a part of the team at all times which is really hard to do considering the major stuff is done behind the scenes and most of which when no one is around (I go to work at 4am some days). I also made sure to do extra “please” and “thank yous” whenever possible. I have also spent more time asking people if they can help me with A because I am working on B.

A couple of days ago, they new rumor was they feel like I act different when my boss is around.

I am completely at a loss.

This morning a couple of my peers who work on the other side of the store came to me and told me that one of my team is mouthing off to anyone who will listen that I am a complete goof off and I don’t do my job. Apparently this is the “speaker” of the group who I am guess is not just giving the message as she informed my boss, but rather rallying they others. This is the person that when time came to do a review months ago the other three people on my team wanted to let her go. I wanted us to give her a little more time to develop. So we did. And just recently I supported her on getting an interview to get a promotion on my team, which no one else wanted to support because they feel she is just too emotional to be leading a team which she would be doing when I am not there. Neither of these she would have had without me. She is also saying she would do a much better job then I am doing. So of course the chatter is that she is shooting for my job.

I am surprised too because there has been such support from so many other people I work with - since this is apparently not been kept quiet - that they can not believe I am allowing this kind of talk to go on when they know how hard I work. I personally don’t want to get in the middle of it. Not to mention the amount of people that seem to be watching my back, supporting me and informing me. I have informed my boss of what is going on and have pretty much let her handle the situation. Yes, I could put in a recommendation to have her fired, but I don’t feel that is necessary. I could also send my own message back through the work telephone game, but I don’t play that way. She is a good worker when she is not being all emotional or negative. Hence she has developmental opportunities with us.

At this point I am willing to wait and see how my boss handles it and what develops. I am also waiting til her training gets started - it was pushed off - and when she gets back I will be watching her closely. I will also be dictating a brief session if necessary between the two of us of what I expect and what I will not allow, but there is no reason to ruffle any feathers if I can just wait it out. I am trying not to let it get to me. Although today on the way home from work I stopped and bought a box of donuts and a bottle of wine. Today was a day I needed a little relaxation.

Yesterday  I spent the majority of the day at the art museum. Shocked even myself on that one. I did not know what to expect before going. I mean I like art, but usually because I am participating. I have been to many museums just not the art museum. Within the blink of an eye over five hours completely gone simply walking around looking at paintings.

It was wonderful. Incredibly awe inspiring and eye opening. Each painting made me feel something different. Each one told a story or made me want to know the story.

Just so much fun.

Yesterday my sister called my parents and told them that my niece could no longer have birthday parties at my parent’s house. That it wasn’t fair to the other kids - meaning my sister’s husbands two children (who coincidentally don’t have birthday parties b/c then my sister or her husband would have to throw them). That from now on all parties would be held at my sister’s place.

My niece’s 12th birthday party is today.TODAY.

Talk about raining on the parade. It has been a very long 12 hours waiting to find out what my sister will decide. My sister is intent on making sure her voice is heard. A power struggle. Even though my parent’s asked multiple times over the course of weeks if the party was a go. The invites have been sent out and all the rsvps received. The cake has been ordered. The decorations have been bought. Really the only thing left to do is show up.

Earlier this morning, my sister decided that my parent’s can have the party, but my niece must invite her step-sister to the party. Problem is the stepsister is kind of a buzz kill. To be truly honest, (I think) it is not the kid’s fault (to some extent) it is the parents and how they have raised (or not raised) their child to be. It is sad, but a fact. My parent’s made a rule a long time ago that they did not want the kids or my sister’s husband’s family in the house due to circumstances I won’t go into. Ever since then, my sister has tried to push it into one big happy family.

Not going to happen.

So here is my 11 year old niece on the phone with my dad asking if the stepsister can be at the party. He says no. She is helpless. Stuck  in the middle. And all she wants is to have her party - any way she possibly can. But my parent’s cannot give in, it is just the beginning of the power struggle and yet, it has been going on for so long.

Don’t think my parent’s are past forgiveness. They have tried to make amends, but unfortunately the situation is so much thicker than that. They have every right to decide what goes on in their house and who will partake. Just as my sister does hers. It is just so heartbreaking that my niece will get stuck in the middle.

Again.

Sadly this happens on every occasion. You would think we would be pros at it all, but time and time again we give in to my sister and her assurances and time and time again, we are shown that she will make last minute changes just to control it all.

My sister is not a bad person. Not by any means. She is just lost and confused. She wants to be able to provide for her daughter, I truly believe that. But the choices she makes in life make it practically impossible. Then my niece comes over to my parent’s house, or my own, and she is loved and cared for beyond belief. We do it, not to make a point, but because she is so cherished in our lives. And when she goes home, she is almost punished for it.

My niece is a survivor though. She has learned to suck it all in. The moment she leaves our house is the last moment she will speak of anything that occurred at our house until the next time we see her. As I imagine she does when coming from her mother’s house. She carries such a burden not to offend anyone at anytime. And how does a little girl truly know when it may or may not happen?

My heart just bleeds for that little girl. I know sadness. I know what it feels like to be so close to something and be let down. I know what it feels like when you are just a puppet in the show and all you want is to be set free.

My poor baby.

What makes you happy? What are the basics that make you tick? If you had to choose one or two things to survive on, what would they HAVE to be (not what would you like them to be)?

The way to my heart is through my stomach and my sleep. If I get a good nights sleep and food, I am one happy woman. For example -

Situation B: I get only half a nights sleep (ie: 4-7 hours); I will wake up a bit slower. It takes about a half hour and these mornings coffee within the first 10 minutes is a must. Don’t greet me - at least not for an hour. Don’t ask me any questions not right away. Don’t even think for one moment that I will be able to do anything for anyone else for at least 30 blessed minutes. Give me time. I will wake up sometime after lunch. But once I wake up (given that this isn’t the third morning in a row I have only gotten half nights sleep) my brain will fire up and be ready to go. On these mornings I like long hugs and lots of handing over of a full brim of steaming coffee. And not much else. These are the days I will give back if given some time and patience. It is not the best case scenario, but it does work.

Situation C: I only get a few hours of sleep (ie: two to four hours). I will have to push myself to even sit up and push the snooze button. I will spend most of my morning trying to rationalize why I can in fact go back to bed. This will continue to happen after I have showered, put on makeup (if I am lucky, usually I shower and brush my teeth and call it acceptable) - uhm, walking out the door, getting in to work.  It takes every ounce of will power that I have to get up. I will usually revert back to my days of guilting myself just to make sure I go to work. These are not the days that I am going to open my arms up for hugs, snuggles, sex - or anything else I can do for you. No. This is a survival day - for me and anyone else around me. In order to survive you must let me do my thing. These days I love any kind of advance thoughtfulness - make me dinner, tell me a millions times (from a small distance) that you care for me, say (not do) that you would like a hug or whatever. Just keep your distance. These are the days I need to come to you, rather than be pushed. The only person I let through on this day without avail is my niece and of course my cats (they get a free pass any day). Don’t say Good Morning to me and sure as hell, don’t expect it back. Ain’t going to happen. Period. My brain is fuzzy, to say the least. It is like plowing through fog thirty feet thick. I will probably wake up sometime mid afternoon and after much whining, complaining and general “it’s all about me” time. Asking me any kind of question will take time to process. Any jokes will be completely missed. It just basically a tough day to begin with for all involved.

Situation A: I get a full nights sleep - 8 hours is good, 10 hours is better, 12 hours is perfect; I wake up with my brain igniting a bonfire. I can feel the juices start flowing instantaneously after eyes opening. These are the mornings I wake up with epiphanys and flugalbinders. These are the days I can (and will) save the world. I want to wear a power color. I wear makeup and do my hair. These are days I will not only prevail, I will conquer. I will sing at the top of my lungs, hum as I walk, greet each person (whether I know you or not) like that girl on that commericial for car insurance (I say it just a bit louder). I am so happy. It takes a lot to screw up these kinds of days. These are the days I greet people with - so, I was thinking . . . and the usual response of “oh crap!” comes about. I make lists, jot down goals. I can live forever on this kind of energy. I could probably short out a small neighborhood with the pulsations I feel. And I feel good.  These are the days I live for.

I woke up today craving Chinese food. I have absolutely no idea what I was dreaming about, but I woke up with the wonderful aroma and taste of Chinese food in my head.

Odd.

That is about all I can say about that. I am hoping to have it for lunch tomorrow. We’ll see.

I bought flannel sheets the other day. Heaven. Simply heaven. Every night I slide into bed I am greeted with soft, warm sheets. I forgot how cozy it can be to sleep in this little cocoon of flannel-ness. And my Izabel is so in love with them too. She jumps up on the bed and stares at me until I pull down a small section of the covers so she too can snuggle up in the flannel-ness.

It truly is the little things.

My niece asked for one major thing this year for her birthday (other than the million little things she asked for) - the family chocolate peanut butter fudge. I will comply. Just for her. Okay so maybe not just for her. I, too am looking forward to having some more fudge. Even though I just made it a month ago for our company bake sale. Yum. One of the guys at work bought his first place. He keeps inviting me over to check it out because I am going to be looking for an actual house to buy next year. So I am thinking the fudge will be a good housewarming gift considering we will be going through his whole house and talking a bit about finances and stuff. Even trade.

One of  the guys at work relates our store to a highly dysfunctional family. Love it. Very true. There is much gossip. We are full of belly laughter. There is controversy, chaos and yet, we all seem to weather through it. I am enjoying the people I work with so much. I am blessed and I am not sure I thought I would say that. Each and every one of them brings something to the table and each and every one of them have a habit of bringing a smile to my face. Very cool.

I hit some random key on my keyboard in an attempt to change the date and time on the dashboard and it resulted in me changing the size of my screens. Now it looks like I can not see because the screens/windows are ginormous. I kind of like it because I do a lot of typing in the dark (pure laziness), but it is very comical looking too. If I could figure it out I might change it back, but I am enjoying the quirkiness of it too.

I have found it a bit hard to blog lately because my personal life has been quite the mess and I am very careful not to blog too much about my professional life, which doesn’t leave much to blog about. I have finally (no really I mean it this time) decided to get a divorce. Officially. I am planning on seeing a divorce attorney simply to clarify how it all works. I don’t see any major issues since we have pretty much divvied all our assets already, but I want to make sure I cover all my bases. I am planning to change my name back and other such nonsense. It makes me sad. For awhile there, I was so worried that I would never feel the same way about some other man that I felt with my ex, but then I realized that I didn’t feel that way about him because of him, but because of me. I love with my whole heart and soul. I will feel that someday with someone else, I just have to allow it. I am incredibly sad that it is all over, that my marriage didn’t in fact work out. I have always felt that if you loved someone (truly loved someone) than nothing else mattered; I could always make it work. Not true. It takes two to make it work. But most of all I am sad that for the past nine months (since I moved out) there has been little, if any at all, fighting for me (for us) on his part. He rarely calls, only one time has he come over to see me on his own. No connection. No reaching out. It is like he could live with or without me. It hurts. I know our marriage was difficult, but I always felt a huge love between the two of us. I know he isn’t a fighter, but it would have been nice if he would have acted like he cared that I was gone. I am also walking away from a child (my stepson) that I have accepted into my heart and swore I would take care of as my own. I am tired of talking about the whole thing. I am pretty much over it all. But it feels like such a big part of who I am and who I have been for so long that I imagine the pain and sorrow isn’t quite gone. But thankfully, it has lessened quite a bit. It is scary to think I have to start all over, but at the same time I am lucky to have been given this second chance. I know that someday I will find someone who wants to be with me (plain and simple), someone who is willing to SHARE their life with me and all the responsibilities that go with it. And if I don’t, well then I heard a great quote awhile back that I have written on a post it note and stuck to my bathroom mirror - It is better to be alone than be in bad company.

And a song to part with tonight -

The Cranberries Ode to my Family I was listening to this on the way home from work and it made me roll my windows down, feel the breeze and sing at the top of my lungs. Is there any other way to listen to music?

Jenn Tarver was kind enough to pass along a little blog award for little ol’ me. Which is funny because I dig her blog too. (so right back at ya!)

Rules as follows -

Part of accepting the award is:

*displaying the award (check - see above)

*linking back to the person who gave it to you (check - JENN TARVER - in case you missed it above)

*paying it forward & nominating 7 blogs

 CinnKitty - she gives me a daily dose of the female pyschie (heaven knows I don’t write that much about sex, men and crazy women antics); it’s like having a big sister blog

Schmutzie - she completely thinks outside the box and I LOVE uniqueness, plus she posts incredible pics of her kitties (and I just love that too)

I’m not beautiful like you - flat out, she’s honest and I appreciate it that so much (and I seceretly wish I had thought of the name of her blog - very creative)

Absolutely bananas -  she makes me laugh and I love her Monday Writing Prompt

Melissa from Pittsburgh (aka: From here 2 everywhere) - she posts the most beautiful pics (seriously) and her blog is so down to earth friendly and warm like awesome apple pie with ice cream melting on the top (hmmmm . . .)

The Angel Forever - other than loving her blog mission statement, she brings the ever funny and important world of being a mommy by making us all laugh and gasp at the same time

And . . . I am giving it to Laniloo even though she ditched the blog world to go get married (how rude), but before all this gag-me-love crap (kidding) she writes about things that pull me in and make me want to participate in her blog (ie: commenting)

*adding links to those seven blogs (check)

*leaving comments on their blog telling them you gave them an award (work, always work involved)

*enjoying the award (thx ya’l)

Two weeks ago I went into JC Penny to see about picking up a posture bra. I am badly in need of learning to sit up straight. I have been working at this for over a year now and being that I am a constant sloucher, well, I am no star pupil. Looking up online, I found that JC Penny has them in-store where I could try them on and see if I like them.

Going into the store I found out very quickly that they only sell full figured posture bras. Great. I am not by any means full figured. Not even half figured. But we won’t go there.

The sales clerk tells me they sell them in their catalog and she could measure me right there. I can purchase it at their store and then have it delivered there in which case I don’t have to pay shipping. Sold. She informed me that I was probably just under the size she recommended that I order, but the posture bras fit snugly so I should be fine.

I finally picked up the bra today and when I got home to try it on it didn’t fit. It was a size (or two) too big. I am a little confused. Either the sales clerk did not know how to correctly fit me or I have lost enough weight in two weeks to go down a full size. If you saw what I eat on a daily basis, you would wonder, as I do how losing this much weight would be possible. I am slightly leaning toward she didn’t know how to fit me.

I am in a conundrum now. I obviously have to return the bra because I will never wear it. When I move, so does the bra. But do I go back and order the next size down, wait two more weeks? I was not thrilled with the actual shoulder/back support anyway. Maybe I am not able to get a good reading, being that it was too big, but I am still not happy. Or do I continue doing research to find a good one?

I remember seeing a physical therapist who taped my shoulders in a giant X. Which kind of worked. It was just a pain. I only saw him once a week. Which meant that he would tape me up and for the week I would have this big athletic tape on my back. It was annoying to say the least. I could go to my parents house and have them tape me up every couple of days, but I am too lazy to really try this. I think.

Or I could just swing by Victoria’s Secret (like I wanted to originally) and use the $15 gift certificate I have along with the coupon for a free pair of panties with a $10 purchase and just forgo the whole posture thing just to get a really fabulous bra. And why, I ask, does VS not sell any kind of posture bra? I mean they are in the market for bras.

On a completely different note, I ran into a woman the other day who apparently plays in the Lingerie Football League. Yes, you heard me correctly she plays football in her underwear. Wow. I was so intrigued. She was a fairly pretty woman, my age. She was really nice and seemed pretty normal too. Yet, she plays actual football - in panties and bra. Is it just me, or can I not get over the whole panties and bra with football?

I definitely envy these types of women. They are tough and still sexy. Very interesting combo. Kind of like the women who play roller derby. And she was so excited about the whole thing I was ready to sign myself up for the LFL.

update: I did return the bra and while standing there waiting for them to process it I looked down and there it was. A silver bell with a little button on the top and before I could even begin to rationalize the situation. My hand reached out and DING-ed that little fucker. A very embarrassed laugh rattled up through my throat. I glanced up at the gentleman and he kind of glared at me and kind of laughed. And proceeded to tell me that there was a fee for ringing the bell. Whoops! It was so worth it!!

The season of all seasons has now not only arrived, it is in full swing.

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Xmas and then New Years.

All in one fell swoop.

Craziness on the lamb.

My niece and I kicked it off with carving pumpkins today. I was at Target the other day and decided to check out their pumpkins - didn’t know they sold pumpkins? Neither did I till I saw some guy with a ginormous one in his cart. I am a complete price checker, since I always buy them at pumpkin patches and pay an arm and a leg, I thought I would look and see. I bought two pumpkins for $4. FOUR DOLLARS, PEOPLE!! No joke. I was so excited. I will probably never get over how cheap they were. They had three sizes - large ($6), medium ($4) and small ($2). I felt like the small were pretty good size, not really small, but good sized enough that we wouldn’t spend all night carving. Last year, they was some major whining half way through because “they were tired”. I didn’t want that this year.

I also splurged and bought the battery operated candles my mother-in-law uses. No muss, no fuss. And my parents had a couple of carving kits left over from years past. Which saved me money on that whole gambit.

We spent probably the better part of an hour hole poking, scraping out guts and then cutting. Not bad. We actually laughed and had a good time the entire time. No whining. And I didn’t have to carve two pumpkins. (fun part of  being a parent - or aunt) We did, however have to jimmy rig the carving pictures that we used because the pumpkins were smaller than the designs, but it didn’t seem to matter much.

My niece definitely got the “hobby perfection” gene from my mother and her mother. I did not. My pumpkin fell apart a bit, but I was able to poke it back together with a tooth pick. Stupid pumpkin carving. Makes me feel like a kid. And yes, I secretly wanted to hide my pumpkin or punch my niece in the shoulder for having this spectacular pumpkin, whereas mine was - well mediocre.

We ate a bit of candy. Goes with the territory.

I went ahead and left the pumpkins at my parent’s house simply because my niece’s birthday party is in a week and I thought she would like to have them as decorations.The whole idea behind the evening was for her benefit and enjoyment anyhow.

My niece talked about how much fun she had all the way home.

Absolutely Priceless.