eRamblings

The week before my 30th birthday I noticed that I was feeling incredibly sad due to my decision to get a divorce. Then the week of my birthday I was feeling lonely and sad. I had taken five days off of work that week just to do what I wanted, but when it came down to it. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. You know that feeling where you just don’t know what you want to do, but you want to do something? Restless, frustration, loneliness, sadness, anger - all wrapped up into one.  That is how I felt. I remember being in my therapist’s office that week and rubbing my jaw. I remember having a headache for a couple of days after that.

On Friday last week, I realized that my TMJ was at a pain level 6, ,which means to normal people it was really at an 8.

Being that I have had TMJ for over 12 years and just now recently gotten it resolved - my tolerance for pain is much higher than average. So where someone would complain about a mild headache, I would barely even notice it was there.

It felt out of ordinary. No warning. But in reality when I look back, there were so many warning signs that I was regressing into my TMJ pain. I should have known the signs. I know that my TMJ is completely related to my emotions and anxiety specifically.

Over the weekend I sat up and took notice of the pain. I realized that I needed to get my shit together and do something to fix it. I could ignore it no longer. I spent the weekend sleeping on heating pads, gulping down my muscle relaxers and aspirin (in the pain management prescriptions) three times a day and slowly stretching.

By Monday, I was officially at a 9, maybe even 9.5. It hadn’t helped one bit.

I caved. I got on the phone and started calling doctors on my new insurance plan to find one that would treat TMJ. Not one that I found, did. I gave up and called my old pain management doctor and set an appointment. His earliest was two weeks away. I broke down. If I had to deal with this pain for two weeks (along with treatment) I felt I would die.

The pain is debilitating. My neck feels like someone took a knife and slit deeply into my neck from behind my ears to below my shoulder blades - on both sides. When I stand still, it hurts. When I lay down, it throbs. When I sit up, it aches. And when I move, it feels like I have rocks under skin poking my bones and muscles. It is truly awful. When I feel constant pain on a daily basis, it just depletes me. I don’t have energy for anything. I don’t have the tolerance to smile even. I become completely unsympathetic to anyone else but myself. All I can focus on or feel is the pain that is killing me.

I went over to my parent’s house last night and my dad set me up with a gallon bag of chipped ice and a smaller sandwich bag of ice. I laid on the large bag over my shoulders and neck, the smaller bag I laid on for my upper neck and back of the head. Twenty five minutes on, about five minutes stretching. I did this twice and then he coated my neck and shoulders in icyhot ointment. (that stuff is strong smelling) I woke up feeling better, but as my muscles started to wake up so did the pain. I laid back down on the ice and then stretched. I went about my morning feeling just a hint of relief, which is enough to make me feel millions of times better. (to put it into perspective) About an hour later I felt pain again. I laid back down on the ice and stretched again. I have been feeling good for about two hours now.

I have to work today. I have to get through a nine hour shift on my feet, moving and lifting and helping other people. I want to cry when I think about it. Then again, I got through yesterday, which was a four hour shift, then a three hour painting class, then another four hour shift. I am feeling just the slightest bit better this morning. That is good. That means there is an end in sight. I can fix this. I can get better. I do have tomorrow off, though I have to go to drawing class and then I am picking up my niece for the evening.

I am fully aware I will have to make time to get better. It won’t just go away. That will probably be the hardest thing. Deciding what will be the things I forgo in order to get better. I feel like a kid not wanting to go to bed so I don’t miss anything.

But feeling relief from pain is so much more important than missing out on activities.

I just recently wrote a post about my oil painting class and how I was worried about coming home to find a picture stuck to the butt of my cat. Well . . . I noticed the other morning this -

What the?!

Then I saw this -

And this -

And this -

I was pretty sure I knew who the culprit was, but I also knew the evidence would be blatant. I was relieved to realize that my apartment carpet is so grossly dark that the blue doesn’t show up, unless she licked it off before jumping down. I found her and inspected all paws. Yep. Her front left paw had a vague blue imprint.

I am guessing Tuesday jumped up on the counter and one paw hit the paint directly. Being stunned she probably jumped between the two paintings, then jumped to the end of the counter and then off. Blessedly she hasn’t died or been sick at all either.

One of the guys at work gave me a great idea - put the paintings IN the stove until they dry.  Awesome!

Since everything seems to have worked out okay, I find this hilarious.

I started taking this oil painting class a week or so ago. I have always wanted to take it simply because I love the way the paint comes off the paper with a 3D effect. It is not just art, it’s a sculpture or something more. And I am embarrassed to admit that after all the drawing classes I have taken I thought I would be good at. Or maybe I thought it would be easy. Either way - monet, I am not.

Today we were painting apples. Apples, people. Not the Eiffle Tower or Statue of Liberty. There weren’t any happy trees or happy cabins. Just an apple. Easy? Should be. (there’s that damn word again - should)

We divided our paper up into four sections and then in each section we would move the apple so that we saw a different perspective each time. Using the lights and darks on the apple we were to paint it in shapes.

Step 1: Do not paint the apple itself, paint what you see.

Here’s what I saw -

Looks like what? An apple. A frickin apple.

I am not going to say what I did was wrong. But it was - wrong. My teacher came around and I told her it looked off. She said I am just too literal. ME? Never. (can’t type this without laughing my ass off) She gave me some suggestions. Look at only the shades, the way the light hits the apple. Skew my view so that I don’t see the apple, but strictly circles and squares; lights and darks. Hm, okay. She also suggestecd using colors other than the actual apple colors to make it easier to see the shapes.

She is a very good teacher. I walked away with this -

The right one is the apple in blue monotones; the left is two apples stacked on top of each other. I think I may actually come away with a few nice paintings. I am also thinking doing something in monotones maybe a good way to practice and get my head out of literal stage and into more abstract thinking.

Because it is oil painting, it takes awhile for the paint to dry. In the case above on the right, close to a few days because I actually painted the apple with the palette knife instead of the paint brush which means I laid a lot of paint down. Each time I come home with a painting, I expect to find it stuck to the butt or side of a cat the next time I come home. There is just no place in my apartment that my cats can’t get to. I leave them on the stove because I have yet to see them up there. Seeing and them actually being up there are two entirely different things though. I know they are all over the places I tell them to stay off of when I am home, the moment I leave.

It is kind of annoying because we have a couple of monet’s in our class. These people paint shit that actually looks like million dollar paintings. It is a beginner class for pity sake. Our teacher wants us to walk around and get ideas, but it kills me to think I can’t think of my own idea or where to start. I have to get over that. I am definitely going to need some help and practice and yes, maybe even stealing some ideas would be good here. Having a good time though. For three hours I get away in body and mind. The peace is awesome. The fun is even better

Feeling like a kid: priceless!

I finally sat down and watched the 20/20 show on Randy Pausche who wrote The Last Lecture. I have seen him on Oprah in the past. My mother is currently reading the book and I can not wait for her to finish so I may read it as well. She has read me a few things out loud from it. I was completely and utterly moved by everything he said. I am sad because the world has lost an incredible person. He has taken this tragedy and turned it into something remarkable that everyone can learn from.

A few of the excerpts that spoke to me -

Tell the truth - all the time

We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play them.

Brick walls are there for a reason; they want us to prove how badly we want things. Brick walls are there to stop the people who do not want it badly enough.

When you are screwing up and no one’s saying anything you should worry. Critiques are the ones telling you they still care.

I waited to get married until I turned 29 because it took that long to find someone where her happiness was more important than my own. If nothing else, I hope you find love like that.

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

Sometimes the only safe thing to do is to take a risk.

I am alive, so I feel great.

A proper apology includes a) what I did was wrong, b) I feel badly I hurt you, c) how do I make it right? So many people forget the third part.

When it comes to men - ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.

It is better to fail spectacularly than to win mediocre.

I played in football games where you walk off the field and the score board didn’t end up the way you wanted, but you knew that you really gave it all. The other team was just too strong. Sometimes you are not going to beat it. No regrets.

His wife said the following, in the interview -

I have everything I need. It is what it is - for better or worse - I accept the circumstances and conditions with which we lead. I don’t like it, but I accept it.

And one of my personal favorites -

At one point you realize there are some things you are not going to do, so you just want to stand close to the people who have done them.

You can watch The Last Lecture here on youtube.

I have absolutely nothing interesting to blog about.

Really.

My life is good.

I am pretty happy.

Today we had the big meeting where the bosses come down from corporate. It went so well, that they actually got on the phone and called other big people within the company to come down and check out our store. It was way fun! I got to meet all kinds of people - people whose jobs I will have one day. (i’m ambitious). We are officially a store to be reconned with. Now if we can just keep it up. And maybe hire a few hundred people. And while I am at it, I would like a raise too!

I am not so sad lately. I mean I have my moments, but lately I find myself doing that, “oh I haven’t thought of so and so for awhile” and that makes me feel happy. I am not worrying or obsessing about it anymore. Time will heal. Things will get easier. I will move on. It is already getting easier. I can see the change in me and how I feel. It will be quieter, but I am luck. I have a wonderful family - my parent’s are awesome, my sister has been talking to me a lot more now, my niece is always good for hugs and love. I have been talking to my friends more often. I am feeling pretty good about it all. It may be the end, but it is a beginning too. A beginning for me.

I have one day a week with my niece - officially. I love this because I can expect to see her, find out how she is doing and spend quality time with her. She is such a blessing in my life. So much love. I know she enjoys being with me too. She is funny how she plans out our time together. I just love that. She is so like me when I was little. The social director is wht my grandparent’s used to call me. She has this level of volume to her voice that is (occasionally) like a blow horn. Just noise. Constant noise/talking. I know she doesn’t do it on purpose she just gets excited and talks over everyone, and keeps talking. I can’t do anything, but laugh. It drives me bonkers, but she is so damn cute.

I am 30 years old people. Very weird, but kind of cool too. Where did the time go? I can not believe it will already be Halloween.

I wore a new shirt today for our assessment at work. It was funny because when I picked out the shirt and tried it on, I was kind of wish-washy about liking it. My mother loved it. So I got it. It has white ruffles and a high collar with buttons and a sweater vest over it. Very girly. And I am not so sure it is me, but I liked it. Today was the first time I wore it. I think it has an old fashioned school marm look to it. More than a few of the women at work said they loved my shirt. And two guys at work said they liked the librarian look I had going on. (smirk) And after that, all day, I kept thinking, other than I wasn’t sure I was going to wear this shirt again, was the the reference to George W. Bush and the librarians/Liberian joke (could not find it on the internet anymore). Added to the look, I wore my hair up in a messy pony tail/bun thing. The only thing I was missing was my glasses.

I have had these boxes sitting in my apartment for weeks now and I cannot bring myself to even look at them, let alone open them and go through them. I am so wishing I had a closet to just shove them in. I am even considering getting a storage unit, just so I don’t have to deal with them. So I should throw them out, right? Wrong. They have all my books and stuff I want to keep. I guess the stuff I want to keep that I don’t use every day - or even every month. It is stuck (I am rationalizing) that I want to have when I buy a condo/house. Which I am hoping to do next year. I  have already gone through them once and cut down the boxes by half, long before I moved out. I just don’t want to do it again. What to do? I have about 10 more boxes still back at my ex’s house. Ugh!

Even since I can remember I have wanted to keep going in whatever I was doing until I hit the top, and then I wanted to crush it with a hammer and keep going. I have always attained for the best, for more. Never be satisfied. Never stop moving forward. Because you never know what could lay just around the corner.

In my personal life, I want a beatiful house that is kept up (not gleaming clean), but nice enough for people to “stop by” and not go ew! I would like a financial stability where I can go on vacations and pay my bills on time and have extra. I would like to be able to eat out on occasion and also eat good, healthy food at home. I want to be able to provide nice things for my kids (should I ever have them) like extra curricular activities, sleepovers and great parties. I like to be able to go into a clothing store and seeing something that I like buy it without worrying too much over the price. I like to have raging hot water showers, do my laundry not a midnight and subscribe to the newspaper and/or a magazine. I don;t want to have to juggle my money to go to the doctor or if an emergency arises. I would like my home to be as carefree as possible.

In my professional life, I want to be challenged. I want to be having a good time or at least be happy 90% of the time at work. I want to be able to get a giant surge of excitement while I am working whether it is from a job well done or the possibility of a new idea. I am not a quiet person by any means. I also am not a fan of rustling some feathers, but I also won’t stop from saying much knowing it may do so. I want the best for me and my people and I am not afraid to ask for it. I like to work hard, to accomplish something every day. I like to be pushed outside my comfort zone and learning new things. I like to make goals and check them off or even just readjust them to be atttainable or workable.

Satisfaction is not part of my vocabulary skills, nor I imagine will it be for quite some time. Sometimes I wonder if it ever will be.

I envy those people whose life is laid out for them. I like that they know what to expect, there are no surprises in life. Each month they will get the same paycheck. Their kids will go to the same school, earning the same grades, taking the same lunch. There aren’t vacations in store because they live paycheck to paycheck and they are happy because the immediate gratification that works for them. They never watch a tv show and wonder, wow I could do that or have that. They never read the paper and say wow I want to go there.

But this is very rare that I envy this life. Very rare. Usually when I am disappointed, but I get over it quick.

I live for excitement, for challenges, for opportunity to grow as a person, to learn new things, to experience all that life has to offer.

I am always reevaluating and adjusting to figure out how to move up or over or around when things are softening and I am not challenging myself. I am always making new goals, identifying new ways for me to solve a problem or do something better/easier.

I know that even I tetter off and at a few times every couple of months, if my learning curve is moving acurately that I will sit back and say okay, now I need to ebb and flow within this parameter in order to function. I need to grow within this particular area. So I suppose I could call that “satisfaction”, but I hesitate because during this time I am constantly looking through glasses that hone in on an issue and figuring out how to go about it. There isn’t much satisfaction about it. More like a holding pattern while I adjust the controls and verify my route.

For many years I have heard people tell me I will be dissapointed. I will never be able to attain goals like these. My head is in the clouds. Bring down your expectations because people will never meet them, you may never meet them.

Just when the last couple of months, I am surprised to hear much more of “never lower your expectations for anyone”.

It made me realize I already had. But it also gave me fire to reinvent myself. Find out what goals I could put in front of myself that were more realistic.

A lot has changed in me in the last nine months. I have grown to be a more down to earth person. My perception is much more closer to reality that it ever has been. And perception is reality. Whether you are totally in the clouds and have no clue what is really going on or whether you are in tune with it.

I can tell I am ready for new adventures, new challenges. I can feel myself itching to go out and conquer a mountain.  I am ready to put in a place never before and see how I fair. It is time. A good time in life. I have the right frame of mind to go to war because I am prepared. I know the risks are high with this type of challenge. It may turn out to be a wrong decision, but can it really be wrong if I learn something about myself?

I don’t think so.

I got a call from a guy at a local gym calling to let me know that some of my friends stopped in a signed up for a membership and mentioned my name as maybe someone who would be interested in joining. He looked me up and realized I was in the database and thought he would give me a call to see if I was interested and to remind me that I could have a whole week free to try it out. And if I was -

I deleted the message at this point.

And if I find out who those friends were they will be officially out of the circle of trust.

Today was such a crappy day and I can’t seem to figure out why although I think it’s me.

Being that it was the first day back from my 5 day vacation, it should have been awesome. I was rested, well I was rested until last night. I didn’t go to bed til after 11pm and I had to get up at 2am. But I didn’t seem to mind because I woke up before my alarm went off.

We have this big thing comin gup this Friday at work where some of the big heads are coming down from corporate to rate us. Kind of like the terrorist rating - orange, green, etc. What we get rated will affect our raises, payroll, etc. We were so ready for this a week or so ago, but in the last week (or so) we have lost four people. Which in the real world isn’t that many, except that we were already down at least half a dozen. So now, we are really scrambling. It sucks. I feel like we are going backwards.

I don’t like to sit and mope, but I could be working a lot less hard for the same  pay at a different location. I am trying not to focus on that. Especially when I love being part of change. I love making a difference. But at the same time I feel we are being setup for failure.

It’s like here is a recipe I want you to enter into a world contest, but you can’t have all the ingredients and now . . . we are going to break your oven too. Figure it out. Y’know?

I am also frustrated because since i was gone this past week, it seems like some of the people who help my department didn’t do the greatest job. In fact, they cut a few too many corners. I spent most of the morning cleaning it up and it just frustrates me. It is making my job harder and in the long run, theirs too.

Sometime I just want to throw in the towel and go elsewhere. I get tired of always digging up hill by my fingernails. Occasionally, I just want to sit down and get a fuckin manicure.

I guess those were the days before my vacation. We were looking good.

Throw on top of that, I am so freakin tired of being sad and yet I can’t shake it off. I was watching The Wedding Date this past weekend (i know another movie reference) and the line, “Every woman has the love life she wants. When you are tired of being miserable and want to move on, you simply will.” Hits home. Stupid movie.

I am struggling. I don’t like it.

I started my oil painting class today. It was fun. For just a few hours I got away. Really away. I played like a kid. I made swirlies (not in the toilet). I played in paints and created color. I gave myself homework. (snort) I am going to make a color wheel. I think. I would like to anyway. That was last weeks class that I didn’t sign up for.  I think it would help considering I have a little trouble understanding the painting lingo. It is the first painting class I have ever taken. I have done drawing, but never painting. I used to have a bit of trouble with the depth and lighting, but I was able to smooge my way through it. I start my charcoal drawing class next week. The down time is good. Twice a week I will be getting away, doing something I have always wanted to do. It is fun and carefree and gets me in touch with my inner child. Hurray for getting messy!

I have been listening to this song on youtube this week. Do you remember it?

And an incredibly cute kitty pic to lighten up the post and give you a smile -

My parent’s, as a team effort, furiously knitted me this blanket for my birthday. Yes, my dad did help. Seriously! The braided design is just beautiful and the pic doesn’t do the colors justice. I have yet to cuddle with it, but apparently that didn’t stop Tuesday from enjoying it. I knew it would look great with cat hair!

Dad: Hey we have this old desk chair that we are getting rid of. Do you want it for your apartment?

Me: NO!

Dad: Are you sure?

Me: So sure. all i can think is I don’t want another thing I have to tote up the damn stairs, not to mention i have no place for it.

Mom: You could put it on your patio.

Me: Damn. Won’t it get ruined when it rains?

Mom: It’s vinyl. You can just wipe it off.

Me: Double Damn. No. I really don’t want to have to carry it up.

Dad: I will carry it up for you.

Me: Damn.

Seriously he is the sweetest man alive. I feel guilty because he wants to carry it up for me. But I know it is a good idea. So I cave.

My dad lugs it up the flight of stairs, around the boxes in the living room, over the lazy boy and out onto the patio. He sets it down and looks at me. “Perfect. I’ll rearrange later.”

Later -

I go out and move the patio chairs in the corner and position the desk chair in the corner I like. This is annoying even as I am arranging the chairs because I know this is so me. So typical type A/OCD. Why is it really that important to place chairs in this position? I have sat in the same side of my patio since I moved in. Every once in awhile I will challenge myself and sit in the other chair, but inevitably I move back because it feels like I am sitting backwards on a train. This is so weird, isn’t it? I know this is weird.

I get the chairs exaclty the way I want them. I sit down in the office chair and get all comfy with my feet up, crossed indian style. And the moment I breathe out, the chair starts turning. When it stops I am facing my french doors. With my back to the outside patio. Can’t see a damn thing. Damn. I get up and roll the legs around thinking it is just off balance. I sit down again and get all comfy again. Within seconds I am facing the door again. Damn. It is coming to me that it isn’t the chair, but rather the patio that is off balance. I get up and push the chair into the corner I like and make sure it is tight against the wall. I sit down. It doesn’t move, but a hairs width. Good.

The very cool part is, the chair is about a foot higher than my patio chairs so I am not looking directly at the patio railing, but rather above it. Usually I squat down and try to see through the slats. With the new chair, no squatting required. This way, I am still out of the people’s eyes who walk by and yet I can still be up where I can nosy around.

Living in an apartment I get to be very nosy. I can get to know my neighbors without actually meeting them face to face.

The people across from me are obviously young girls who have no problem having sex with their blinds open. Not shy. I thought they moved out, but I guess it was just one of their roomies. Thankfully they have gotten a clue and I haven’t had the pleasure of viewing. It is really quite annoying. There is just no where else to really look and it is almost like a car wreck - can’t look away. The couple below them are older. I haven’t seen the woman too often, but the man sneaks out late at night to smoke a cigarrette. Closet smoker, maybe? He inches the door open a bit, then turns sideways to get out. Does the same after smoking. The people to the left of me are always in their kitchen cooking. The people below them are younger and the guy sits out very early in the morning a smokes, shirtless and hagered looking like he partied all night. The couple nex to them above and below are about my age, maybe older. They each have a couple of kids. They sit out on the grass and talk and play guitar singing most nights. I love this. The music is awesome. The kids are very loud. Most of the time it doesn’t bother me. But when I am ont he phone, the person I am talking to always says how loud it is. The guy below me has anger issues. I think he beats his wife, but I don’t really know. We get the cops here at least once a month asking around about a domestic dispute. There are a couple of guys who live next to me, but I don’t see them much. There is a wonderful couple from London who live down the way. They have an exotic bird that says hello as I walk by to get my mail. They sit out on the patio and drink coffee late in the afternoon while the bird ambles around on the railing. I can’t believe how many people I see walk their dog and not pick up the poop. That is really gross.

Oh yeah, it is my 30th Birthday today! So excited! I love birthdays.In honor of my birthday, I have a list of 30 random things I am thankful for.

•  my kitties - They are my comfort. They are my home. Every day I get home, I stand at the bottom of my apartment stairs and look up at my 2nd story window. Tuesday will be sitting on her window seat checking out the world (and sometimes sleeping, so I call her name, I am nice like that). When she spots me, her mouth forms into this ecstatically sweet “O”. I can’t hear her, but I know she is “meowing” this sweet, high pitch meow. Most days she is so excited to see me, she meows a few times in a row. When I open the door, Izabel practically knocks me down to greet me. They need me as much as I need them. Maybe I need them more. They are always there for me. Cuddles and all. I can’t imagine living a day without them.
• my dad - He is the one consistent man I can count on in life. Numerous times he has taken up his free time to assist me in matters of handyman work. I can not thank him enough. He is also the man who put affirmation statements in my world. As a child I was always dealing with some crisis and he would comfort me and talk me through how to approach the situation. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of one of those statements. He works his butt off for his family each and every day and never asks for anything in return. Once in college, he drove 45 minutes stopping at the grocery store to buy me food because I had been sick for days. I love that now in my freedom days, he will call and ask me if I remember their home number because I never seem to call it anymore.
• my mother - Truly my best friend. I can tell her anything and occasionally she doesn’t have to say anything at all, just provides a listening ear. When I was in high school, I would come home, sit at the counter and rattle off for hours while she prepared and cooked dinner. I am very much like her which can create issues, but regardless we work through them. Within the past couple of years our relationship has grown exponentially into something I never dreamed it could be. She is the epitome of creativity. I have so much to learn from her.
• my niece - God help me, she brings me to tears some days simply because she is so bright and sensitive. Long before I know myself that I need comfort, she gives me hugs and love. I would be lucky to have a little girl just like her.
• my sister - We have our issues, but she was always there for me growing up when I needed a shoulder to cry on or advice. I will never forget that.
• my health - I have been very lucky not to have anything serious  happen in my life concerning my health and I thank God for that every day. I am taking steps to have a healthier lifestyle. (even if they may be baby steps)
• being a woman - Even though being a woman can be difficult in and of its own, I am happy to be a confident and proud woman. And I am one of those woman who is not afraid to go to the movies on a Sat afternoon by myself or sit in a romantically lit restaurant on a Friday night. I enjoy my own company. I am not afraid to step up and speak. I have also, recently, learned to laugh at myself.
• I have a roof over my head and food on the table. Granted, it may sometimes be burned or processed, but gosh darn it. I provided it.
• With my new benefits package at work, I am now the proud owner of a 401k, life insurance and stocks. (let the money flow) And I am proudly sponsoring a charity too!
• I not only pay my bills, but I have a pretty nice life too. I want for very little (or at least nothing of great importance)
• coffee - Even though I decafed a couple of years ago, I still enjoy my morning coffee as if it were a life line, even if it is decaf.
• my car - I love my VW Golf. It is the first car I have ever been able to pick out and pay for on my own. It not only gets me from point A to point B, it is a sweet ride too.
• my friends - Through good times and bad, they have supported me and made me laugh.
• my relatives - We may have only developed our true relationships in the past couple of years, but I know I am blessed and will cherish them each and every day to come.
• the sunrise - As I stepped out of my apartment this morning, I noticed that it was still dark, but with a slight back light. As I drove to work the sun slowly rose giving this creamy, peach tint behind the clouds. It made the mountains look as if they were just cardboard cutouts. Incredibly beautiful. Makes me miss those old Lifesavers commercials.
• my job - I love my job. I cannot believe that I love my job! I am not only part of a team, but I lead a team of people too. I worried about this team effort since I tend to work better on my own (at least in school experiences), but it ended up being the best choice for me in my life right now. After being there for over 3 months now, I can’t imagine being anywhere else. The people there are so nice and very supportive. They make my days go faster. Work is good and it keeps me in shape. It is productive and gives me the motivation to keep me going back.
• sunflowers - One of my favorite flowers ever. They are beautiful and remind me of growing up with my grandparents. My grandfather grew them in his backyard. I remember them being as big as my face.
• I not only love, but am loved.
• yappie yorkies - my parent’s dogs, Myles and Louie. Crazy dogs. They love with all their heart. They don’t know that they are only 7 pounds, they leap and lick like a saint bernard.
• lemon zingers - Lately, my favorite snack. Not a twinky (so glad) because those are gross. They are soft and sweet and oh, so yummy.
• my faith - I still have my faith. Faith in myself and God above me.
• books - I could use a huge library to house the number of books I have in boxes and on shelves just waiting to be cracked open and discovered. And I am so in love with the smell of a brand spankin new books - the ink and paper smell heavenly.
• my glasses/learning - In sixth grade I was taught a very valuable lesson - either be popular or learn something. I chose to wear my glasses and be shunned because learning was, and still, is so precious to me. I will never forget Julia Roberts saying in an interview that she is”a student of life” and I feel like that.
• my soon to be ex-husband - He taught me so many wonderful things. The biggest was to stop and smell the roses. Don’t move too fast or you may miss something. Relaxing is not a bad word. For the last four years he has loved me with a love I never knew was possible.
• my stepson - With creativity comes excitement and passion; with excitement and passion comes the intensity for life. Live life to the fullest or get run over (literally in his case).
• music - the communication to my soul. Songs make me cry, scream out loud and dance around. All of which are crazy fun.
• photographs - They make me look closer and deeper at life’s beautiful creations.
• laughter - Something that keeps me sane and silly.
• life’s hard lessons - Help me ebb and flow into the woman I am today.
• blogging - I may pour my heart out on the internet (and as my dad says, air my dirty laundry), but it keeps me connected and grounded as well.

And one to grow on -

• birthdays - Nothing better than cake and awesome singing. It is what I live for each and every year because wishes are truly for fishes!