eRamblings

Today was an incredibly tough day at work. I wanted to scream more than a few times. And yet I held it all together, right til the end.

At work we have this team of people (3 of us to be exact) that are peers working in the same side of the store, but we are in charge of our own areas. We also have a team of people underneath (and above) that basically end up doing the grunt work and occasionally fun projects that we need help with. Most days it isn’t so bad, but some days are spent doing the crap work all day long. When the three of us work together not only does it run smoothly, the work is just that much lighter all around. I hate to admit that ever since I started working there has not been much cohesion among the three peers. Granted one of them (I will call her 3) just started about a week ago, but you would think I would be in better standings with the other (I will call her 2 for posting sakes) because we have worked together longer, but I am not. Not by a long shot.

3 comes in and works her little ass off and basically runs into very similar frustrations I have been dealing with since I started, except (and forgive me for the way this sounds) she has me. Because of what I went through I have gone above and beyond to help her out and ease as much pain as possible. I am working double time to help her out, work the people around her into her grove. We communicate like mad cats when calls come in, things need to go out on the floor, etc. But there are some things that require all people working together to achieve.

And 2 just doesn’t want to pull her weight. 2 pretty much stays in her designated area the entire time. In fact she actually disappears sometimes. She complains that no one helps her. She doesn’t help out with anyone else’s area and if you ask her if she can do something she gets upset and turns all the people below us against us. This happens a couple of times a week. I have asked more than a few times if I could help 2 with her area. If there was anything I could do period. No. She looks at me like I am a moron. Okay then, moving on.

When our boss is around she is a completely different person. I just want to strangle her when this occurs. And I want to call her on it, but I know from past experience these people prevail because you can not pin anything on them. They look good when it is necessary.

So I wait.

Well, until today that is.

Today myself and 3 were running around like crazies getting a million projects done, communicating, helping, pulling our weight and other such. It was working out fine until a couple of times our boss called us to stop what we were doing and focus on a project together. When I looked around halfway through the project 2 was no where to be found. Nor had she ever showed up to help. The final project we had to work on together, same thing, I got pissed and called our boss.

I am not a rat. I am not out to complain or be difficult, but enough is enough.

While 3 was there with me we both explained the situation - You called us over to work on this and notice that one of us is not here. This is not the first time and we have tried talking to her, but she gets mad. We were wondering if you could help us out. (short version mind you).

Now I know the first thing 2 will say is that she is busy working on a project, so we covered this base too. We both have a million projects to work on, but we know this needed our immediate attention (since boss lady called us for it).

Boss lady went over to 2 and then came back. Told us she was busy, but I could tell her face said she was aware of the situation and would keep an eye on it in the future. I hope.

It is so frustrating to be the whistle blower, but not only is 2 not contributing making my job harder, but it is making me look bad because it takes twice as long to get shit done. Especially when 2 work is always done with her work (b/c she doesn’t help with other stuff).

I feel like such a whiner, but I am frustrated. I feel like 3 and myself handled the situation the best we could before going to boss lady, but you never know when it will backfire in your face. Y’know?

Yesterday I asked my mother to cut me some bangs; not real bangs just some really thin, long hairs so that my hair would have a bit of layers in front. Nothing crazy, just something to put off my getting a haircut soon. She said she didn’t want to mess up my hair. I said she wouldn’t. She still didn’t want to, but I convinced her it would be fine. I didn’t have one doubt that she wouldn’t do a great job.

From the moment I sat on the vanity chair and held that bathroom trash can in my lap while my mom parted my hair and snipped away the memories came flooding  back. She used to do this for my sister and I all the time. I relished in every moment I sat there. It made me feel like I was twelve again.

And just in case you were wondering, she did a phenomenal job. Again.

I have lost about 25 pounds as of February of this year and it seems to be slowly increasing as the days pass. I am finding it hard to figure out which pants to wear the work. They all seem to be falling off a bit. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t loving this part. I have to advise that the best way to lose weight is to get the flu for a week, stress over your failing marriage, go off anxiety medication (where one of the side effects is weight gain) and then start a job where you run you ass off all day. What’s funny is I am a total eater. I am a food-aholic. It makes me happy. It gives me energy. But lately I haven’t had that craving of needing food all the time which seemed to start around the time I moved into my apartment. Maybe it is the fact that I am enjoying life. I don’t feel this need to fill the void simply because I don’t have one as of current. Can I get a WOOT for not having a void to fill?

Today I went back at the shop I trained. One of my associates is not trained in her area and since she reports to me I felt the need to have us both fully trained in the area. It is funny because I worked for two weeks to get someone to come to our store and train us both, but they ended up sending us both out. It was a blast to go back to the fun store. The change of pace was great too! The people are all so incredibly nice and being in a store that is doing well is much easier than a store that needs all the help they can get. For the past week I couldn’t get over how good our store has been looking with the changes being made. I felt we had made huge progress. Then I took one step in this store and all our progress kind of went out the window. It is an amazing difference. I need to send our other associates to this store to see what our store should look like. As of two weeks my perspective on what it should look like has already deteriorated. I think I need to visit this store on a constant basis just to remind myself what we are hoping to accomplish. We have been given til the end of October to bring the store around. I think this is very doable. And I am excited to see how we will accomplish this.

Going to the drive in movies with a friend tomorrow night. Stoked! It has been so long since I have done this. We will be seeing What Happens In Vegas with Ashton Kutcher. It should be a good movie and we will grab fast food on the way. I am pretty sure we will be smuggling alcohol into the movie as well. It has been pretty hard to get together with my friends as we are all busy and two of my peeps just moved out of state very recently. I am excited to get out and get a little funky for the night. Getting in touch with my inner kid again (teenager anyway).

We had a quick lightening/dust storm this evening. Really beautiful. I am a dollar short and a day late though when it comes to taking my pictures. I forget until after it was over. I remember when I was in high school, whenever we saw the storms coming a big group of us would pile in trucks and race to the highest mountain (yes we were smart like that) and sit on the hoods to watch the storms roll in. There is nothing like the warm down poor of torrential rain fall. It is memorizing. And it feels wonderful on the skin.

I picked up two books this week - The Birth House and Pack Up the Moon. I am currently reading the first one, granted, at a slow pace, but it fills the time when I am not out doing something (or in not doing something). It is also nice to read during my lunch break. I find novels about women’s struggles moving and inspirational. The Birth House is about a midwife during WWI times who goes up against tradition and protect the rights of women. The women in the book are both strong and weak, they are loved and hated, they are well written and pull me in to each character.

This is my easy week at work. LOVE IT! I have every other weekend off which is totally great. Sadly because of this I work every other weekend. Damn.

When I am off for the weekend I work four days and I am off three. So fabulous. Very easy. barely feels like work.

When I am working the weekend, I work seven days in a row and don’t get much time to sleep, let alone relax because I am always going to work.

But you can’t have the good without the bad. So I am relishing in my weekend off time and completely ignoring the thoughts when I have to work the weekend.

I am very proud of myself, I have completely cleaned my apartment. Entirely. I can’t remember the last time I really truly cleaned. I usually cheat clean. When I just clean the stuff I can see that drives me nuts - but I don’t try to look so hard either. This time not only does my place smell awesomely clean, it really is. Funny how that works.

My kitties have decided that when I work an odd shift that they don’t want me to sleep during the day. Either that or they are just trying to annoy me. When I work 4am - 1230pm, I come home and try to pass out for a couple of hours before tackling my day, except that Tuesday licks my arm till it is raw because she wants me to let her out on the patio and Izabel nuzzles me til it tickles my noise and cheeks because she wants to get pet. If they weren’t so damn cute . . . Thankfully I only work this shift twice a week and when my weekend off comes around, once a week.

Loving life right now. Simply because of me. Funny how I can make myself happy just by accepting what I have and letting go all the rest of it. Seems so simple now.

The associate that started training a week after me, to work in a department near me is FINALLY here. Today was her first day and let me tell you it is SO GREAT to have her. Her first day was full of frustrations and I hate to even admit this, but it made me feel so much better. We spent much time talking about what needed to get done and she dove in and started the process. Bless this woman.

Not only is she a go-getter, but she has no problems being the bad guy. I was starting to think I would be the only one.

She is good at looking at something and deciding what needs to get done and she issues the orders right then and there. Whew! Someone else to help with some of the pressure.

I have felt like such an asshole this week. I have felt like no one likes me and even though I am not there to make friends, it is so much nicer when you have people who are friendly. And since it is OBVIOUS that the people I work with don’t necessarily work WITH me if they don’t like me, it is good to have someone to lean on and talk to.

Although I have to admit that I have been having some really great last couple of days with my people. They have been finally starting to open up to me and talking out their frustrations. Albeit I have had to track them down and ask them to walk with me (begrudgingly). But for the first time I feel like I am building a repor with them. Alleluia!

Which is so helpful. I have been making friends all over the rest of the store though, which is funny. Today almost every single person I walked by said hello to me and smiled. I was so excited! It just made my day. I wanted to hug each and every one of them (but refrained from that). And a few of them even stopped me to thank me for going above and beyond my job duties to help them out. Can I get an AMEN?! We had a visit from the people above and they mentioned that my area looked so much better. Which means my participation is not going unnoticed.

I feel like I am getting much better at not taking on so much. I am delegating and breathing constantly.

With the new associate, we have clarified exactly what each of us will be doing. There was one person (I won’t name names) who won’t be so inclined to just drop everything in my lap and move on anymore. (Fucker) Not that I minded doing it because I learned a lot, but it would have been better to have some help. Y’know? Maybe even just the offer of help. But whatever.

All in all. Work is good. I am totally starting to love what I do. My favorite part will always be laying out the clothes when they come in all brand new. I not only get to see the change occur, but I get to mentally window shop. It feeds my instant gratification vibe. It is also really good, hard work and it makes me feel like I am accomplishing something.

Now I am going to go take a nap or something. Getting up two days a week at 230am SUCKS! But on the bright side, my DVR recorded some great movies I will be able to watch.

Have you seen RV or Wild Hogs? I loved both of these. Entertaining and just an all around feel-good movie.

I. am. so. tired.

It is 415am and I have to leave for work in about 15 minutes. It is dark. It is deafeningly quiet. My body is still sleeping. Thankfully my body wakes up just enough to get me to work. Not that there are any other cars on the road at this time anyhow, but that isn’t the point. And then I go back to sleep for at least a few hours. Thankfully (again) I am cool enough to be able to work while sleeping. I am just that good.

I am tired.

I worked the closing shift on Friday night after I worked the day shift Thursday. Then I came in all day Saturday and here I am opening on Sunday. I also work Monday and Tuesday. My next day off isn’t til Wednesday - and it is only one day.

Tired.

Whiney.

And oh so not loving this so called “closing weekend” thing that apparently I do every other weekend. I have to figure out what is wrong with this. I doubt anyone else has this same issue. They don’t all look tired every other weekend. And I feel so groggy.

I realized that I work retail and I am lucky to get every other weekend off, but seriously if I have to work this schedule to get the damn weekend off, it may not be worth it.

Did I mention I was tired?

A couple of days ago I realized that I was buidling over time and so I was able to go home an hour early and come in an hour later. You’d have thought I got the weekend off. I was so excited. I stopped at home and fed the kitties, grabbed my suit (it is a really cute suit too), raced through the nearest Sonic drive thru and ordered the biggest Fresh Fruit Slushies and then drove to my parent’s house. I dragged my dad off the computer (he was working and NEVER gets off work early) and made him come swimming with me. Just in case you were wondering, my father thought I was nuts because I swam competitively for 10 years and now you can’t drag me in the pool. But for some reason I have been dying to get in the bathwater pool. Maybe it is all those wonderful memories of skinny dipping with my husband, I don’t know, but whatever. When you may be getting a divorce you remember the strangest things. My mom found out what we were up to and raced home to join us (sans the skinny dipping part). We floated around the pool, played PIG (my dad won - shocker) and volleyball and I ordered Pizza Hut (we all got those really good Pizzones). It was a perfect end of the day. It tuckered me out and I fell asleep with a smile. I am living up the days off part.

Too bad I have to work.

Speaking of work . . .

I was fixing a rack this evening and as I was spacing each clothes hanger apart I realized there was something hanging across the hanger towards the back of the rack. You know how you see something out of the corner of your eye and you don’t really know what it is? It was yellow and long and slimy looking. It made me squeamish so I stopped and stepped back to really look at it. I couldn’t quite tell what it was, but I didn’t want to touch it. I stood there for a moment and finally decide that I didn’t want to touch it. I asked one of the guys working near me if he knew what it was. He came over and paused for a long minute, which made me feel a bit better, but then started laughing. He picked it up and it slid out of the racks. It started moving and squiggling all over the place. He held it up for me and said, “It is a fake snake.” And then laughed at my reaction.

Eww. Gross me out.

I laughed, but still wouldn’t touch it.

I was over reading Dooce this morning and her post about the Oprah Cleansing got me thinking (again) about how I feel like I have been doing some major life cleansing lately and how happy I am becoming. Now I haven’t gone and stopped eating meat or anything crazy like that. Heaven forbid I don’t eat a nice, big, juicy steak - oh man, I crave meat. YUM! But I have made some serious life changes lately and they seem to be for the better and yet I have to force myself to realize how far I have come.

I gave up caffeine two years ago. I still drink coffee, but the unleaded kind. And honestly, it is rare that I drink more than a cup or two in the morning whereas before I was drinking it all day. I will occasionally indulge in a caffeinated beverage, but though it is good it is short lived as I get a little headache with them. I am exploring my other options - I am a complete water junkie. I love tea and lemonade too.

I gave up cigarettes Monday and I feel pretty darn good about it. I have had my moments where I would give just about anything for a cigarette, but they pass.

I sleep peacefully I would say nine times out of ten. I don’t just sleep, I actually get tired, go to my room, shut the lights, lay down and close my eyes and drift off to sleep. No anxiety. Or at least very little and very rarely. You have no idea how freeing this really is. I have spent countless years filled with anxiety over what could happen while I slept with no help in sight. I have spent endless nights trying to keep my eyes open due to fear. I have spent hours trying to figure out what that noise is or where it is coming from or even if there is a noise I can’t hear. I have spent way too much time analyzing the different things that could  happen to me. I have been afraid of the dark and of the unknown since I can remember and to not have that worry is the best feeling in the world. It literally feels like I have the world weight lifted off my back.

I don’t actually perform my sight check anymore - which is where I go from room to room checking all spaces that could possibly hold a person or some weird foreign body bound to hurt me the minute I let my guard down. Are you getting the idea that I have had a bit of anxiety in the past? I don’t lock my doors the minute I get inside, in fact on one glorious afternoon I took a nap without realizing my doors were completely unlocked. Now I don’t necessarily recommend this, but for me it was very freeing to get up from a nap and go to take the trash out and realize my doors were completely unlocked. I actually stood there for moments in complete shock. This from the woman who constantly locks her dad out of the house when he steps outside to do something quick.

With the release of my anxiety, I am also learning to walk away from work and not think about it much at all. I don’t sit and fret over how I left something unfinished. I don’t worry about whether people will show up or not. I am officially off work and therefore no thoughts of work will occur. My phone is silent and I don’t get hourly updates and issues that I have to deal with. It is wonderful to know that I have a day off and I can expect not to be bothered. I don’t have to worry about jumping up and asnwering the phone only to have to go into work or live with constant guilt for the rest of the day. And when I come to work it is a fresh new day.

I am not constantly angry anymore. I don’t have pent up frustrations that attack me in the smallest of problems. I don’t want to suddenly beat the crap out of someone just because they were rude to me. I don’t suddenly burst into tears because of  pent up emotions. I don’t carry things with me for days or weeks on end. I actually work through my emotions one at a time. And I feel happy pretty much 90% of the time (I think that number increases on a daily basis). I find myself laughing at myself and making fun of myself, and I don’t take it personally when someone chimes in and laughs with me (at me?). It is okay to be quirky and stupid and I don’t have to try to be perfect all the time. I can have a customer walk up to me at work and say nasty things. I look at them and shrug off their anger and try to help them find what they need and if we don’t I could care less that they want to squish me under their shoe and walk away. It isn’t about me, it is totally their problem and their anger. Woot!

I had an ant problem the other day and in the past I would have spent hours being all weird about the fact that I saw the ants in millions crawling over the cat food bowl, but instead I dealt with the problem. I had moments of ew-ness and OMG, they are crawling on me, but they were very minute and over with quickly.

Nothing I encounter will be the end of the world for me.

I love it.

I truly feel free.

My TMJ is getting completely under control. I don’t have constant pain. I haven’t for awhile. I wake up a little creaky (but shit that is because I sleep so damn well now - why complain) and then I spend some time stretching. I take nice hot showers to work out the kinks. I take aspirin when I really need it and I do have my muscle relaxers when absolutely necessary. I will probably wear my night guard forever, but we can’t all be super models. Overall I feel SO GOOD. In the last couple of days I have noticed the lack of nicotine and probably the lack of pulling on a cigarette has eased some of the clicking in my jaw. Maybe, just maybe it won’t be a constant life struggle. Maybe I could be one of the cured ones. Who knows. In fact on my list of things to do (prepare yourself) is to see a chiropractor on a regular basis when my health insurance kicks in. I can’t believe I am admitting this, but I actually do feel a little better after cracking my neck and back.

I don’t have headaches every day or every other day. In fact, I honestly can’t remember the last time I had a headache.

The only real sadness I have in my life right now is my marriage. It has been the hardest to let go. It has been my chain. To this day I still don’t know what I will do, but I do know it is getting past that time of making a real decision. I can honestly say that the only times I really, truly break down and cry my heart out are when my husband and I have a fight and that in and of itself, tells me so much. It is just hard to let that dream go. And yet I have seen the light in the dark. I know for the first time in a long time that if I chose to walk away I will meet someone and I will be happy. I don’t just think this, I know this. I don’t know how, but I I feel it. There is hope.

But one thing at a time.

It is funny when you pair it all down and visit each item individually. I see how far I have come and I see so much more clearly what is really going on in my life.

I feel so lucky to be able to do these things for myself. I feel so lucky to have made the hard choice of going to a therapist and facing my fears head on. I feel so lucky that I have finally become happy again. I can feel my old self coming back, but with benefits of true anxiety freedom. And I can honestly say, it can only get better from here.

I can tell I have entered a new age when I get a wad of cash and the first thing I think is, “What bills can I pay off with this?” and then second, “How much can I put into a savings account?” and lastly “What can I spend it on?”

I got my rebate check and I am so excited. I was able to pay off some things that have been killing me. Bills, bills and more  bills. Uhg. But I was able to take care of them. Good. And still have some left over.

What to do with leftover money?

I think I have decided to take some of that money (a very small portion) and get something I have wanted for quite some time now - a dust buster. Ohhhh, I know. Really exciting, right? I will probably spend more than I spent on my actual vacuum, being that I bought the vacuum while it was hugely on sale (a huge mistake I might add - there is a reason it was really on sale). Do you have a dust buster? If so, do you like it enough to tell me what kind? I am looking and researching for a really good one. I know I like the dust busters that sit on their chargeable battery. And I will be using it to suck up cat food and other miscellaneous items that seems to float around my floor (mostly cat hair). A dust buster seems highly extravagant for my little apartment, but considering my vacuum barely makes it halfway across the place before burning out and needing time to cool off, I am totally okay with the purchase.

And . . .

Ever since I decided to quit smoking I have been trying to figure out a way to reward myself (haha). Do I put that money aside and take a trip? Do I put money in a jar and take from it whenever I want something completely unpractical? In the end I decided to start a savings account that would automatically withdraw each month from my bank account. And yes, another example of how I have grown up.

Extra money?

Spend it?

No.

Save it?

Yup!

This is a huge relief to have received the check from the irs. Finally money back at a time when I really need it.  I can actually get my stuff together and maybe get a little ahead.

Gotta love money by mail. And no, I still am not a fan of the irs.

My fortune tonight is: Life is a school; Why not try taking the curriculum?

I love chinese food. I love it more when it is delivered. (it wasn’t)

I have been researching delivery places for years now, and not just chinese food. I like any kind of food that is delivered. I don’t get people who order pizza and then go pick it up. Uhm, why do you do this? It costs more in gas to go pick it up (especially when you are already at home) and the whole point of pizza in the first place is it comes right to your door.

I should have lived in New York. Everything is delivered there.

Delivery is good.