eRamblings

If a plane ticket came in the mail today, where would you want it to take you?

I absolutely love questions like these. I think I drive my family nuts asking things like this, but I could spend hours talking to people about this kind of stuff. So riddle me this. What would your answer be? The only rules are the boudaries of your own imagination.

My answer would probably be more like a multiple choice answer, since I love to travel.

A) Figi - I would love to lounge around on the water bungalows in near nothing and get a  massage while the wind blew through the beautiful sheer curtains

B) Connecticut - course it isn’t fall and I am dying to see Connecticut in the fall

C) Europe - did anyone say backpacking?

D) Space Camp - one place I always wanted to go as a child and never did; never too late

E) a little town in Mexico - I would love to live in Mexico for about 6-9 months of a year speaking the language and living real simple

• Why? questions asked by the plaguing of hearts, whining of souls and just because we feel like it. Give your imput. Sign of a really good post, read the post AND the comments too.

Here are mine -

Why does my cat sit quietly and watch me frantically look for her - from the other side of the room where she has always been, not uttering a word to help me?

Why am I always in the slow lane no matter what lane I am in?

Why can’t I think of something really good to eat before I am completely starving?

Why can’t my (ex) husband realize that I am being nice by just asking for the curtains and wolf painting, both of which he never really wanted to begin with, but all of a sudden seems to desperate to hold on to instead of walking in and telling him I want half of everything?

Why must the milk never have just enough to fill my coffee mug?

Why do I wake up ten minutes before my alarm clock goes off and then fall back alseep only to be too tired to get up 10 minutes later?

Why must everything that tastes SO good be so bad for me?

and my all time favorite, curteosy of my mother -

WHY GOD? WHY ME?

curteosy of Confessions of a Pioneer Woman are simply something I cannot pass up. I plan to make these babies when I get all my kitchen stuff in my new apartment. What better way to repay those who have helped me, than fresh apple dumplings? And honestly, I would be paying myself. Good stuff.

Are you a hunter or a farmer?

And I don’t mean are you willing to go out and kill something or work in the fields. What I mean is, in life, do you pursue opportunities and go after them or do you sit back and cultivate life? I am probably 80/20. 80% Hunter - I like what I want and when I want something I have no problem working my ass off to get it. 20% Farmer - I do enjoy sitting back and being patient letting life develop as it may, but this is just coming around within the last couple of years. I am not a very patient person. I like to just get thing done, even force them if necessary, but lately I am realizing life is also about enjoying things, relaxing, taking your time.

I ask this because I have been completely sucked in to the show The Millionaire Matchmaker. I hate to even admit I watch the show. The last thing I need to be watching right now is people being set up and falling in love. But I am not bitter about my situation and I am certainly not angry with my husband. I recognize that I loved him and I loved being with him and though we are no longer together it isn’t anyone’s fault. I wish things had been different, but if they were truly going to work, they would have while we were together.

Patti, the owner of the Millionaire Club (what she calls her business clientele) uses the term hunter often to describe the type of man most woman are looking for - traditional values, but someone willing to go pursue a woman they are interested in. I just love the way she completely defines and qualifies these men and women who are looking for love. She is pretty up front with what type of people they are, why they are not (in fact) married yet. Many of them just do not have the social skills to function on a date (which I find typical of someone who does business with millions of dollars - social skills are not necessary, usually just a genius idea). Others are either completely off base reality wise and don’t have a clue what they are really looking for or don’t know who they are and can’t possibly relate to someone else because of this.

She not only provides a dating service, she actually takes it upon herself to offer counseling and a code of conduct to help them succeed. I find this incredibly brillant. Every one can benefit from a bit of counseling no matter what phase of life you are in (that so makes me sound crazy, doesn’t it?). She doesn’t just take her business and do it, she excells at it. She doesn’t just want to do great business, she wants her customers to do great too. In my book, this is success. I approach my business in the same way, I don’t just want my customers to like what they bought, but LOVE IT. And every time I see her set someone up with the one she clicked with, I am shocked to realize they not only hit it off, they actually have a complete connection. Which means she knows what she is doing. I find this whole process fascinating and I love the business aspect of it all too.

It has made me reflect on my life and what she has to say to these people. I would say that just a couple of years ago (maybe even 4 years ago) I was way out of touch with reality. My persception on life and myself was just not what was really going on. This wasn’t because I am stupid or crazy, it is just because I have always felt I was a child in an adults body. I never really felt like myself, even though I perform daily functions normally (laughing right now). I would say today my persception on life is much more parrallel to what reality is. I am much happier in my own skin. I know not only who I am, but what I want to be and how I would like to grow as a person. I finally feel like I am who I am.

For years, I never wanted to get married. I wasn’t one of those woman who yearned to be married, be a mom and raise a family (actually this tends to affect my gag reflex, who really wants to be alive simply to bear kids and take care of someone else?) When I met my husband, something about him brought out that yearn, that need. When I moved in with him I had this persception of what a mother and a wife should be and I tried to fill that role. Not only was my persception of this role way off, but it wasn’t me either. I was doomed to fail from the start. By the time I realized this we had so much bad blood between us, maybe there was just no going back. It didn’t help either that my husband wasn’t a willing partipant in our relationship either - he had baggage he wasn’t dealing with either.

Just recently I realized that not only did I want to be a mother and a wife, I was going to just try to be happy with me, fit it to who I am. It still isn’t a yearning, but rather a change of heart or life value. Life didn’t have to be perfect for me to be happy. I realized I was not only okay with doing things for my family and working harder for them, I wanted to do these things because it made them happy and it made me happy being able to provide for them. Just a little to late. We just couldn’t make it work.

I know there is someone out there is who is wiling to fill the needs that I have. I know that I require a lot of attention and care. There is a man out there that will be willing to scraifice a night with the guys to take care of me and kids, to walk away from the tv to put up a towel rack that has fallen, to lock the door simply because it makes me feel safer, who will go out at 11pm at night and buy milk because we are out. I just either didn’t touch this part of my husband or he just wasn’t willing to fill these needs. It wasn’t a bad thing, I just knew I needed more. Alternately, there is a woman out there who will either be able to open him up to providing these needs for her or who doesn’t need quite as much as I do.

While watching this show, I am completely engrossed in the lives of other people which feels that need of being nosy that I have (smirk) and at the same time it is helping me to analyze how I can continue working on me. Like I said I think Patti has really great tips for people, whether looking for love or not. She has a good take on people in general. She also makes it easy to understand, brings it to a level of complete understanding, IF in fact you want the ideas. Her client on the last show, the Rollerskating Rocker (lol) wasn’t wanting someone to tell him how to run his life or how to date, he in turn wasn’t ready to explore that possiblity and in the end turned away her services which I honestly felt he needed some advice. Some people just don’t take kindly to other people’s perspectives, they think they know everthing. Fact is if they did, their circumstances would be different and he probably wouldn’t be 39 and looking for love. Some people have to learn things the hard way - every time.

Thankfully I can be pretty basic and can learn life lessons simply by turning on my tv to some reality show. I am simple like that.

I like simple.

Don’t have to beat me on the head to get my attention. Just some bonbons and a remote control.

I think I may have to start a new business of coordinating separation/divorces because the entire time I am working through my issues I kept bumbling my way through what I thought I had to take care of meanwhile I really can’t function normally either. So many moments had me stricken with what I had to do, what I had to buy and where to go. I felt lost and confused amidst the overwhelming feelings of loss. I would have loved having someone who gave me a list of things to buy at the grocery store, department store, furniture to live with. Someone to tell me what to do with my financial accounts and take all the guess work out of dealing with the starting over process.

My husband will stay in the home he has lived in for years. He will pretty much live with the same furniture, dishes, neighbors, etc that he has for years. His life will not change that much. Though I recognize that he will also be dealing with his feelings as well, his life will for the most part stay the same. Mine has completely changed. I have to literally start completely over.

I work a full time job. And after work hours I have to find a place to live, restock my living environment with new things and find out how to live again. Outside of a few horrible moments he has (on the whole) been okay to deal with, but I don’t think he realizes how awful it is to try and rebuild my entire life while his remains little changed.

I took the kitchen table and a few other items that I had previously lived with before we got married. And I got incredibly lucky that my uncle had a bedrooms set to give me. When I moved in with my husband originally, I sold most everything I had. I never questioned it. We chose to live with his stuff. So when I left I didn’t take much of anything. He still has a full bedroom set, office set, living room furniture and kitchen stuff. I, on the other hand, will start completely over. I am sure he feels I am taking way too much stuff because his feelings are hard to deal with as well. The feelings of finality are hard.

It is amazing how simple things in life become so important during hard times. I suppose that is why divorcing couples end up arguing over things they never really cared for before. I am just trying to remain equitable with our things. Keeping things as even as possible. But when it comes to emotions things are probably never going to seem 50/50.

It is exhausting to work all day, then try to go to the other side of town to get more of my stuff while working within my husband’s schedule. I just want to get it all done at once, but we keep having to talk about when I can and cannot take with me. I don’t have much left, but it is the little stuff now that is becoming difficult to discuss. Things like a comforter for my bed, dishes to eat out of, silverware to use, towels, sheets, paper towel holders, shower curtains. These things seem so unimportant until you don’t have them and when you don’t, the costs add up so fast. I know I will be fine. It will be a little tight at first, but I am really glad I took the giant step of obtaining an apartment right away. I needed to feel security and try to begin my life as soon as possible. Though it may strain my finances to begin with, the feeling of continuity in my life will make a big difference later. Having some semblance of normalcy is very important right now dealing with all of my emotional baggage. I have actually joked about whether or not they have a divorce registry as they do with marriage. Getting divorced is just as much a process only I guess it isn’t a time to celebrate. lol

My family has come to give me quite a few nicknames - the warden, social activities director, the bathroom queen and lately, what the hell did I order girl. Tonight we went to my parent’s favorite pizza place. My mother ordered her usual cheese pizza with tomatoes, my dad and I ordered the New York pizza (everything) mine without onions, his without green peppers. The minute the plates were set in front of us my dad looks at my plate and asks, “What did you order? I thought we ordered the same thing.”

I looked at him with confusion and said, “Why are you asking me? I never know what I ordered.”

And then he immediately started laughing realizing his mistake.

For years now I will take a moment to look at the menu and then pick what I want. When it comes time to order I usually have to relook at the menu to verify what it was. Then when I get the order, I always (without fail) say, “Is that what I ordered? I thought I ordered something else.” I never know what it was called, what was in it or apparently what the hell to expect when it arrives. My familiy has come to just laugh at me and ignore it all. I have come to realize that this is so true. Annoyingly so, but since I tend to do stuff that is really annoying I am so used to it.

Dinner was probably the most fun I have had in a very long time. My dad arrived at dinner in a very unusual jovial mood. He is in a pretty good most of the time, but tonight he was in the kind of mood that gets people in trouble. I think he had an espresso or something right before leaving work. He was cracking jokes left and right, laughing away and completely ignoring the annoyed looks my mother was sending his way. And I had to tell him there comes a time when it is never approporiate to crack jokes about sex in front of your daughter. Seriously way too much information. Although I have to admit I kind of asked for it.

I was over at Tales of a Misguided Mommy earlier today and she posted a joke her husband told and then asked to leave your favorite joke. I thought they were all pretty good. And since my dad is the king of jokes I told him I needed one to leave on her blog. I have no problem resorting to stealing someone else’s joke to win. LOL

We gave the server a really hard time, but hopefully she knew we were joking. My dad gave his seemingly easy order and it came out like he was way high maintenence. So we played that up by asking for all these things on the side (we ordered slices of pizza). She proceeded to tell us that she does in fact have customers who order their pizza toppings on the side. OMG! At one point she sneezed and I said bless you really loudly (she was kind of far away). So my dad asked me (loudly) if she sneezed all over that table. I said no, just on her arm. He said, Eww I hope she washes her hands. I said, No just her arm. Okay so it was way funnier in the restaurant.

We laughed all through dinner. About how my dad will go home and pass out because of all the excitement at dinner. Which is how it works. No matter what a little while after dinner he goes home sits in his chiar and completely passes out. He said he isn’t one of those people that can’t drink coffee before bed. I think he could have a shot of crack and still pass out just fine. My mother and I told him he was an ass because of this. Neither one of us could ever do this. We both struggle to find ways to fall asleep. He said it must be a sign of getting older. Except, as I pointed out, mom is actually a couple of years older than him.

We did the hustle in the restaurant as I came back from the restroom the song was on and I just felt like dancing. So my dad got up and joined me. Then we appologized to the couple sitting near us. (do the hussle, da da da dadada) My mother just sat there embarrased, poor thing is still recovering from her cold and apparently the ever growing vulgar displays of her family members.

One of those nights we should have been drinking because everything we said was probably way funnier to us than anyone else. I love those nights.

I was reading Good Housekeeping last night and came across the article/short story written by none other than Jodi Picoult. I love this author! I have read all (but one) of her books. They are wonderfully written about womens lives. Thought provoking, pull at your heart strings. At the end of the article they talked about her new book which some how I missed. I would spend my last $20 on this book and I may very well go do that when I know I will have some reading time upon me. I would feel guilty buying today since I just bought the entire series of Beverly Lewis, but I do have a valid excuse - they are packed and I don’t know where they are. You can read an excerpt of Change of Heart here.

Has anyone read it yet?

The short story was really fascinating too (in good housekeeping mag). About a mother who leaves her family because she is tired of being taken advantage of and yet also looking to find herself. It is great discovery of the roles we play in our lives.

My dad was telling me I should write a post on the moving into an apartment and the funny things I deal with. Quirky things we were laughing about last night while trying to put together the bedroom set while being incredibly punchy.

The good news: It is quiet

The bad news: It is only quiet until your neighbors move in

The good news: It is small

The bad news: It is small

The good news: I have a designated parking spot

The bad news: All the stupid people parking around me don’t

The good news: I wash my dishes whenever I want

The bad news: I wash my dishes whenever I don’t want

The good news: I can see in my neighbors windows

The bad news: They can see in mine

The good news: I can play my music as loud as I want

The bad news: So can my neighbors

The good news: Everything is fresh and clean

The bad news: It doesn’t last

The good news: You find out who your real friends are

The bad news: You find out who your real friends are

The good news: Being on the second floor feels safer

The bad news: Being on the second floor requires a lot more work

On the flip side -

The bad news: It can be very lonely

The good news: Up until your neighbors throw a party on the front porch at 4am

And now that the juices are flowing I plan to add to this. can you?

I pulled out my Anna Nalick CD sometime last week and this is the song that greeted me in my car this morning. Seemed kind of appropriate. This link here is a better sounding version than the one I have posted here as a video. I just love her songs. Music is definitely something that speaks to me.

I keep wondering, What was she thinking? Did anyone see her before she left? Surely, they would have stopped her and told her the gloves don’t match and really more importantly, WHY?

This is my dad’s fav girl right now so I know I am going to get flack for this, but all I could think was why is she wearing a skunk on her head? Didn’t anyone fix her hair. It just didn’t work for me.

Did they not tell him he could wear a tux or did he just come directly from work?

I didn’t know fish scales were in.

I am not a perv, but when you wear a dress that looks see-through everyone will be looking for your stuff the entire time. Gross.

Those look vaguely familiar, oh wait, I remember they are my curtains. Arranged exactly the same way.

Where do I begin?

And the award for the UGLIEST goes to . . . the woman whose Christmas tree puked on her and then she added a compass to the chest. Ugh. This is SOOO bad. But if there wasn’t, what would we complain about and laugh at?

Love this one. And not just because it is red either.

I really didn’t want to like this because it is way diva, but I couldn’t help it. LOVE IT!! And yes, it is also red.

I think her Lei fell off as she got out of the limo.

Now where did I leave my Hefty bag? Oh, there it is.

Beautiful

I loved this color on Kelly Preston and very few people can pull this off. Bow ties, why people, why? We really need to invent something that replaces these. They just look goofy.

And can I just say that if you are a professional actor you should have skills when it comes to speaking in front of people or I don’t know, don’t offer to present an award if you suck. There were way too many presenters who just spoke like they were spooked - no inflection, no life in them. Horrible.

We watched the red carpet, introductions, loved the John Stewart commentary and jokes, fast forwarded through the speeches and all in all it was the usual fun Oscars evening.