eRamblings

I am feeling so very conflicted. My stepson’s biomom has yet to set any kind of plans for him to come visit her this new years. Usually this time, he is at her house by now. He normally goes for a week around New Years.

I am so torn. On one hand, I really want him to go see his biomom because I know he misses her. I know he wants to see her and spend time with her. It is good for him. I think. And quite frankly, hubby and I get some time to ourselves. Maybe it is good for everyone.

On the other hand, I really am looking toward the idea that my stepson stays around here all the time. I like having him here. And how great would it be not to have to deal with his craziness that is associated with this constant interrupted visits to biomom.

The first year he visited her, I thought it was really odd that he left for so much time, so often, but since I didn’t really know him and I honestly didn’t think of him while he was gone. I didn’t really know to miss him. The second year,  I realized just how screwed up everyone got when he left - my stepson would go into these really excited/spoiled child mode and my hubby would get depressed, then when he came home it took weeks to get him back into his rhythm and for my hubby to stop spoiling him. And I realized just how alone I felt when the two of them clicked. The third year, I realized how much I missed him while he was gone. I actually cried. I called all the time, but of course biomom wouldn’t call me back. I was completely shattered with grief.

Lately, I feel both grief and excited when he leaves. I know I will miss him, but I know that calling all the time just makes it harder for us both. And at the same time, I realized that him being gone could be good for me because I get a break. And of course, now I feel like I have a pretty good handle on things she goes and does another unpredictable thing by completely not planning on him coming. Yet here she is telling him on the phone that he will be coming to see her on the 28th. Uhm, does she realize that is tomorrow?

What kind of mother does that?

I realize she has a new kid on her hands and her new husband, but doesn’t she realize the obligation to her first born?

I really just couldn’t imagine doing that.

My hubby always says that it wouldn’t be a bad thing if she stopped calling because then he wouldn’t have to deal with her in his life. I can see that now. I can see why my husband never pushed the idea of child support or visitation. He left it up to her. But he did that (maybe?) in hopes of her just going away? Before I always thought it would be better for my stepson to have his biomom pay child support, call on a regular basis and visit too. But now I wonder if maybe my husband doesn’t have the right idea.

It would be nice to have a some-what normal life where we just lived with our kid. It would be nice not to be disrupted three times a year with anguish and confusion. It would be nice to have my stepson enjoy a full summer with his friends here. There are so many good things.

But I grieve for my stepson and how it must hurt to not see his biomom.

Conflicted. Just plain conflicted.

Christmas this year was awesome at our house. We woke up a little after 8am. Came out to find the kid on the sofa watching tv - weird, but he apparently just wanted some time to himself. Whatever. So the adults got to sleep in. Yeah, sleeping in! We did stockings - we were all good this year - go Santa! And then we got to open gifts . . . as a family (what a concept) and then we had donuts for breakfast. Then we went to the in-laws later in the morning and enjoyed Christmas with them. It was great. It was relaxing and very pleasant. My dream Christmas. Although, I did forget the cinnamon rolls at my parent’s house. Oops. Whatever.

The kids - I mean, my hubby, stepson and niece on Christmas Eve.

Me, totally psyched about my Creedence Clearwater Revival CD. Rock on!!

Me, showing off my camera class tickets. This is so cool!! I am going to be taking classes on how to take better photos. Watch out - paparazzi in the house!!

My hubby’s gift from my cousins. Love the tag!! It says, “To Bill, Welcome to the Family. Arm Yourself!” It is a disc shooter. My boys will have a blast with this one.

Christmas morning pic. Told ya we were all good this year!

Tuesday caught sniffing a present for her from my Aunt. Sneaky kitty. It was a couple of really great cat nip toys.

Izabel getting all excited about the catnip toy in her stocking.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, how cute. Dad and son. Seriously, this kid’s cheezes Christmas morning were insane. Grinning from ear to ear.

Here we are about to present race. And mental note, next year, clothing is required (at least pants) LOL. They got Heelys. One for the little kid and one for the big kid. Notice that really awesome scarf hubby is wearing? I made that for him. BY HAND!! You would never believe the amount of blood, sweat and tears that went into making that. Oh and the cussing too.

A little Christmas smoochy.

This is hubby laughing because he thought it was a watch. Whoops. Actually it was a wallet. Bummer.

Here is my cool little man rockin out to some toons on his new radio and sitting in his bike ramp jumping gear. Already I can see how easy it will be for him to ignore us when he gets to be a teenager. LOL

Hope your holiday was as great as ours was.

And a really big shout out to my friend, Suzanne for coming over one night and teaching me how to use photoshop. It is such a breeze now to post these pics. Love it!! And did you notice that all the vertical pics are actually vertical?? What a concept.

I love Christmas eve at my parent’s house. It has become a wonderful tradition. This evening I was thinking how great it will be as I get older and my family grows. I love the laughter, the talking, the food, the atmosphere. It is enchanting and makes me feel all Christmasy inside. It is really what fills me with the holiday spirit.

We always have a honey ham, beans, chili and then some other assorted food. Tonight they made corn, cheesy potatoes and oh so yummy peach cobbler thing (what the heck is that called?). My uncle and his partner brought over cherry cobbler, which was equally yummy. We all enjoyed some wine and my husband and my father crack open the scotch. Let the bonding begin.

The kids run around like crazy fiends and the adults talk and talk and talk. We reminisce and the kids join in and tell their own stories. I love it. We exchange our gifts to each other because we know that being married means I will be somewhere else on Christmas Day.

I miss spending the morning with them. I morn the loss of my childhood. The memories of my sister and I secretly running to see what Santa brought us. Feeling sneaky, but happy that we had overflowing stockings. We would always pull out a few things, then guilt would overcome us so we would wake up my parents to come join us. Being a kid in my parent’s house was special and we were oh so spoiled. They always went above and beyond to get us what was on our lists. Even when they had nothing to give.

I pray that I can be the type of parents they are. Living in the smallest house on the block just so we could go to the best school in the state. Eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for weeks just so we could have a new bike. I never knew we didn’t have money. I never felt like I went without. I only felt the joy and excitement as a child.

I forget that I was raised in a stepfamily. My mother had to point out to me this fact recently. I feel so much like my dad is blood. He took us in and make us whole. And never once did I ever feel he wasn’t my father all the way. I want to be able to provide that kind of unconditional love to my stepson. And many days I wonder how he did it.

I can’t imagine the hard times my husband must have had raising a son by himself. As well as my mother, who raised two kids alone for quite some time before my father came along. She is filled with so many gifts. This year I have realized just how wonderful my mother really is. We have bonded in a way I never knew was possible. And thankfully I realized that I can take this in and remember every little bit she has to give. This is love.

And this love is what I am thankful for this year. This love is what I feel when I think of Christmas this year. It is all around me. In so many forms.

The warmth of my parent’s home filled with family, food and conversation.

My own home, my new family filled with two men who love me and though they may not understand, are working on just accepting me for who I am. A husband who put all of it on the line and was willing to work on our marriage - go the distance and really learn to love me.

My cats who I can’t believe I am so blessed to have in my life and provide a completeness.

My in-laws who seemed to understand me right away and took me in and treated me with kindness.

A friend who has been there for me in a time of great need. Who called just when I needed it and makes me laugh with complete openness. A woman who I look up to and love going to lunch with.

An old, but new found family that I got to know this past year. Cousins who I am so excited to grow old with and know their own hearts. An aunt and uncle I was able to add new memories to the old and introduce my new family as well.

An aunt who speaks from her heart and isn’t afraid to take risks.

Grandparents who I knew very well as a child and hope to rekindle that fondness as an adult.

A niece who reads directly from my heart and teaches me about strength each and every day.

An uncle who has given me the gift of faith and his partner who is quiet, but has a light from within that pulls you near.

Grandparents who have loved me since the day I met them and can’t imagine my life without.

And I swear the list goes on.

Here’s to wishing you also have a great love in your life, whatever that form may be.

Merry Christmas

Wohoooooo!!!!!So excited! Finally got my computer up and running again. Moved it into the kitchen/dinning room which is so cool because it is a space all my own. I am actually around the corner too. So if you don’t walk into the room you wouldn’t even know I was here. So cool.

A place of my very own.

Had to purchase an airport card to get the internet, but thanks to a Christmas gift from grandma and grandpa, well Christmas came a little early for me. Well worth the money.

Been keeping busy knitting. This is my second knitting piece since I started. Amazing how much easier it is to knit this time around. What took me a month to do before has taken a day. Whew. Nice to see it coming together so much faster and easier. Now I have my sites set on knitting some sweaters for myself. Would be fabulous to actually wear something I made with my own fingers. Course I always have such big dreams. Have you seen the Victoria’s Secret catalog? They have a beautiful cable knit sweater, off the shoulders and bell sleeves. Would love to find a pattern for that. And in red too, just like in the catalog.

My Izabel is up and happy again. Feels like it has been years since i have seen her this happy. She is back to being the lovey, affectionate kitty again. I am so glad I didn’t wait to have her teeth fixed. Can’t believe she comes up to me and sits near me and lets me pet her for quite a bit of time. Love it!

Tuesday, my other kitty, has finally come out of her depression. Unfortunately, bringing her back home meant no more free roaming the neighborhood. I am sure she misses all of her other families. When I moved in to my husband’s house, all the neighbors talked about her for months. I had no idea she had so many people that loved her.

Things have been good here. A few issues, but that is to be expected. We are doing really well. I think. I am shocked at how much I missed my husband and stepson. They are a good pair. Still don’t quite understand men (boys? do they ever really grow up), but since I am letting them be who they are it really doesn’t matter too much anymore.

Hubby and I have spent some time fixing up the house. Bachelors - what do you do with them? We traded our microwave with our neighbors. They had an over the stove microwave, ours was on the countertop. Really great. Taking the microwave off the counter has opened up the entire kitchen. It is so much nicer now. And the microwave we traded is in really good shape. I was the first one to use it - we made hot cocoa.

It has been so incredibly luxurious to have the time off this holiday season. It is weird too though. I find myself sitting idle wondering if I should be doing something. I have worked in retail for so long now I am not used to having days off before a major holiday. Love it!! I have a four day weekend this weekend and a three day weekend next weekend. Very cool.

Next weekend will be my 2nd Wedding Anniversary. Don’t know if we are doing anything special, but just being back with my hubby and doing well is enough. Definitely don’t need anymore jewelry - still love my wedding ring more than I could love any other jewelry. Hubby and I were laughing the other day about when he bought me a beautiful diamond cross to wear for the wedding. Wedding day, ended up wearing my grandmother’s pearls because it looked better and was “something old”. He jokes about me getting free diamonds. I think I wear that cross just about every day though. So it is going to good use. Found the ceremonial 2008 champagne glasses that he purchased to celebrate with. Oops!! Guess that is what happens when you clean. He needs to find a better hiding place. Course then he may never find it. LOL Love that he went to the extent of buying us cool champagne glasses to celebrate though. That is sweet.

My space setup is so cool!! My Izabel is sitting right next to me on the chair while I am typing this. Love that my space incorporates the kitties. Couldn’t have a wonderful space to myself without them. Have two cat trees right next to me too! Just in case . . .

Wishing you an early Happy Christmas Eve!

Went to dinner with my parents and my 11 year old niece last night. Spent over $500 on dinner. Can you believe that? Enough to feed a small country. The only reason they were able to do that was they had these gift cards they had to use before the end of the year. So we went to a really fancy shmancy restaurant. Good thing I decided to shower earlier. Sometimes on my days off I don’t like to do that. Too much work.

It was great! I sauntered in the restaurant in my jeans. They placed my napkin on my lap. That is kind of odd and cool at the same time. Then I found out that they offer white napkins for light clothes and black napkins for dark clothes. Do you know why or how this started? If so, leave me a comment.

We started with a bottle of Syrah wine. Which we all love the dark red wines. Quickest way to get a nice after work (uhm, day off of work) buzz. Gets the blood flowing and the muscles relaxing. 

My dad ordered oysters and shrimp appetizers, which I have never had before. I have been dying to try them. Why? Because I am on this seafood kick and since I haven’t really like seafood before I want to try all the new stuff. I have to admit I couldn’t really taste the oysters. My dad says most people swallow them whole. He likes to chew a little. I was worried about the consistency and taste so I just swallowed them whole. Then later I was dissapointed I didn’t at least try chewing one. But obviously I am not too broken up about it. We just spooned on a little sauce and a sqeeze of lemon and down the hatch they go. My niece even tried one. Although it took quite a bit of persuading. I really didn’t think she would do it. But she did. Reaction? Too much lemon. Whoops, sorry dad.

We all shared a 3lb Lobster and then ordered our own steak of some sort. I had the Filet Oscar which was fabulous. I ordered my steak medium rare because I knew this restaurant would not serve me a bloody steak. It came perfect. Seared on the outside and slowly more pink toward the center. It absolutely melted in my mouth. And it was sitting on top a bed of asparagus and had crab meat and a holindaise sauce on top. YUM!

For desert - oh yeah you didn’t think we left without dessert, did you? We had creme brule. It was good. But creme brule isn’t my favorite.

Wow it was so good. And so much fun. I felt like a queen. And they treated my niece like a princess - and even called her that! She really did so well. Outside of a few really loud comments, she was really great company. We talked the entire two hours we had dinner. Which is normal for my family, our family dinners are rarely shorter than an hour and you can barely get a word in edgewise. I always look forward to our family dinners. Even if they are rarely at five star restaurants.

At dinner we always play a game. We see who can come closest to the total of the bill, before tip. My niece got lots of help because she doesn’t quite understand money and the cost of things.

In case you were wondering . . .

I won.

My mother was telling me that something really weird happened the other night while she was sleeping.

My mom swears she was sleeping when the air in her bedroom changed, it got still and kind of cool. The dogs lifted their heads from their sleeping position. But nothing moved. My mother got spooked, turned on the light and stood up.

On the floor at the foot of the bed was my cat, Izabel.

This story made me laugh because my Izabel is not a  bad cat, but she does occasional scare the ever living sh*t out of us all.

It is amazing that the most beautiful cat in the world can change the air. She is a trouble maker though. Some close friends of mine call her Sybil my husband and father have another name for her. My Izabel likes to stalk my other cat, Tuesday - to the death. I have been chasing her with the water spray bottle. She doesn’t really care, but at least she stops for the moment. Hopefully once we get her tooth that is hurting her removed she might limit her death scares. Who knows. I really think she enjoys it sometimes.

Hell, makes me laugh.

It always amazes me how well I have come to know my body. Little tip offs, if I am paying attention, tell me so much about what is going on inside. Almost like predictions.

All week, I have had this nagging feeling that I am getting sick. Each day I would feel a little bit worse; tired, achy, groggy. But I kept pushing it back and telling myself I wasn’t going to get sick.

Yesterday I noticed the watery feeling, I get in the back of my throat when I am sick, was there. Ugh. Sickness not averted.  Couldn’t ignore it this time. I woke up this morning with swollen sinuses and a half runny, half clogged nose. Gotta love colds. They make you feel ugly AND stupid.

Funny thing is, I haven’t been too upset about being sick. I have found a silver lining in the sickness - without much effort. I am forced to slow down. I am forced to only think of a few things because otherwise my mind goes blank.

That little person who has been slowly growing inside through this time of learning to live in the moment is happy. No longer do I stress because I will have to sleep more, rest more and basically take care of myself. No longer do I worry because I don’t have time to be sick. No longer am I annoyed with the medicine head feeling. I don’t miss that stressed out bitch I once was. Not one bit. I don’t miss the constant strain and push to keep going because the world will end if I don’t accomplish things in a timely manner. Living in the moment is a wonderful thing. I look forward to the rest. I look forward to time for myself. Even to my icky sick self. I am still happy. Sick, tired and feeling a little slow. But, happy.

Huh.

What a revelation.

Life does go on. Even when I am sick. I can still have fun and be happy while sick.

I feel like a kid again. Eveything feels new and awe inspiring. It is a wonderful feeling to wake up and want to jump out of bed. To wake up and smile and not know why.

Bad news comes in waves. Ugh

The vet called yesterday evening with my cats bloodwork results. She has a very elavated blood sugar which probably just means she was really nervous during the testing. Duh. No worries there. You move the furniture and my kitty is under the bed for the day. But she also had a certain test that the vet is concerned about. She had a high reading for Feline Corona Virus. Which could be bad. They said that it is really rare and since most cats are carriers for many diseases which don’t show up most of the time, it could be nothing. It could also be a bad test. Who knows. It saddens me to think that Izabel may get sick, but I am hoping things will not come to this. When we retest in a couple of months maybe it will be nothing. For now I will do my best just to not think about it.

This morning I got a call from my dad with news that my grandma is in the hospital. Sometime last night she was feeling really bad. My grandpa called the ambulance and they ended up taking her straight in to surgery. She had her colon removed. So she will have to use a bag and tube in the future. My grandpa was very optomisitc when I spoke to him this morning saying that she would probably be out of ICU and have her own room by morning. He was also really tired and hungry from being up all night. My grandmother has had some health issues in the past. But she is only 76. I am hoping she will be fine, but I am still scared. My dad flew out as fast as he could and I know he will take care of things.

I love my grandma and my grandpa. They have always been there for me and my sister. They never once made us feel like we weren’t their blood grandchildren. They love so greatly. My grandpa always gave us the change out of his pocket. As a kid this was like gold, as I got older it, was just another way he told us he loved us. My grandma always had the best lap in the world. I love sitting on her lap. I used to watch her do her hair and makeup sitting in her chair at the dinning room table. She would let me check out all of her stuff and show me where to put it. When my sister and I got in trouble at home we would secretly call them and ask if we could come over to their house. We spent so much time over there with them. When we would sleep over we would purposefully forget our pjs because it was so cool to wear grandpa’s t-shirts to sleep in. We would play at the playground across the street from them and hide in the trees, snickering because we could hear my grandma calling us to come home thinking we were so smart because she didn’t know where we were. Little did we know, she always knew exactly where we were. We would take walks with them around the school and while they walked the long way we would cut through and play on the playground until they reached the end and then we would walk the rest of the way with them. Everytime you went to my grandparent’s house they would begin with, “Did you eat? Are you hungry?” and without waiting for an answer they would pull out carton upon carton of food. It is the best food you will ever eat too. Unmatched in any restaurant. The college I went to was near their house and on some days I would stop by and have a meal and take a nap. They never cared if we just came over to sleep, they just wanted to know we were there. Their house will always feel like home no matter how old I get. Course they are one of the only people I have known who never moved in all my years and probably never will. I love that. It is so comforting.  Even my husband has gotten into the swing of things. On his last snowboarding trip with the guys, they all stopped in and had a meal with my grandparents.

They just don’t make people like that anymore.

My grandpa worked at a mattress factory for so many years sewing the layers together; he was in Vietnam and so many other things I really don’t know much about. My grandmother worked as a seamstress. We used to pick her up at the bus stop after work. My grandpa never locks his car because he just doesn’t think anyone would steal it. Where ever he shops people know him by name. I always feel like a million bucks when I go places with them. They always introduce me with such pride, “This is my grandaughter” even to people who have known me.

No, they really just don’t make people like that anymore.

I did what every mom has taught their daughters not to do - I took candy from a stranger. I didn’t mean to. Maybe I did. But she came in to my shop, past the no soliciting sign and asked if I would put this bag of goodies out for my emloyees to look at. I said sure because I knew there was candy in there. I knew there was chocolate in there. And I knew she wouldn’t go away until I took the bag. So I took it. I was, after all, helping her out. After she left I proceeded to pilfer the bag of all the really good candy - Ghiradelli, Godiva, Herseys, all yummy. And there was this cute little bottle of water for after chocolate. I then put the bag on the break table for my employees, all two of them, to look through. If she only knew no one is currently looking for an apartment. Too bad. I would think this would be a nice place to live, if their chocolate tells anything about it.

In the bag was a limited edition Ghiradelli Chocolate. What exactly is a limited edition chocolate? Did they really only make a few million of these oh so wonderful chocolates? Was I really that lucky? Or do they just print that on there so they end up tasting so much better than if it wasn’t limited edition?

Something to ponder while I savor the last bite . . .

Yum

Just when I think I have everything under control, I get hit with a doosie. I guess it is a doosie. I guess it could be less than that, but I am calling it a doosie.

So the last couple of months I haven’t been saving any money. NOTHING. Not a penny. I have been spending it all. And having quite the good time too. I have been paying my few meager bills though. But really I have just been partying the whole time.

Took my Izabel to the vets this morning because I caught her dragging her butt along the carpet. And anyone who knows cats, knows this is not a good thing. Izabel has a history of empacted anal glands. There was a time, oh so recently, that I was taking her every month to get them extracted. Uhg. It sounds just as bad as it is. Way back when a vet showed me how to do it. And I try when I give her a bath, but seriously I would rather leave this up to the professionals. Not that it is beneath me to do something I know I can do for free, but ugh. Poor Izabel.

Well, anyway I take her in and they call me 15 minutes later and say she is fine. They weren’t even really full. Then they tell me it could be parasites. What??? My baby may have pararsites? How the hell do I fix that? They recommend that I have the dr. examine her and then possibly do blood work. Now I know that my husband would have stopped here and said she is fine. Let it go. But for me, she is my baby and I couldn’t. Especially knowing she has been really, really cranky for days and she actually dragged her butt right in front of me. Worries me. She just doesn’t do that.

Dr. tells me her exam went fine and that the blood work will be back Friday. Great, now I have to wait two more days for lab results. And. OH YEAH there is an AND. She has a small lesion on her tooth and they recommend a teeth cleaning and removal of the tooth. Said it is really painful, but I could wait until their special in February. I personally can not do that. I would feel like such an ass being all healthy, while my cat is in pain everytime she eats. Not to mention the terror Tuesday has to deal with. Only it is the end of this year and I hadn’t really planned for any of this.

So here I am in the shitter financially and my kitty is in pain everytime she eats. Hence the attacking of my other cat while eating, while thinking of eating, etc. She is eating and it is painful, then along comes Tuesday and Izabel is like, “Oh, no you didn’t. I am already having trouble eating. I am not sharing our food either.” It has been like the animal planet at my parent’s house these last couple of days. At least two times a day you hear a sound like a fire alarm going off mixed with growling. My cat’s screaches are so loud. They have been scaring my mom’s yorkies. I usually just pick up Izabel and toss her in the room and close the door. After a couple of hours she has calmed down. My dad just hells from the other room and they listen. Figures. 

Plan A: Take out another credit card (#2) and pay for the teeth cleaning, think about paying off credit card later

Plan B: Ask mom and dad for the money so completely not going to do that

Plan C: Screw any other people I still have left to buy Christmas gifts for and use that money to pay for my kittys happiness

It is a pretty easy decision for me. I am going with Plan C. I can probably make it up to them after Christmas anyway. Right?

uhm, hello? right?