eRamblings

Last night was the second night I have seen my husband since he got back from visiting family. It was really good. For oh so many reasons. Oone being that I really miss being around him. He smells good. His smile is contageous. He is so incredibly sexy and good looking. And when he talks to me, I feel like the only one on earth.

Still so incredibly in love with my husband. He still gives me butterflies and makes my knees go weak.

After all the heart ache and after all the bitterness, I still love him.

The power of that emotion gives me awe. Love.

My husband asked me if I would not write about our marriage on my blog. Since he asked me, which is one thing I have always tried to get him to do, I conseeded (sortof). Although, I have to be honest and say that when I started this blog I did with the intention of writting my heart out. Whatever came to mind, whatever I felt. No matter what the subject. No matter who it was about. Just sit and write. There has been a few minor edits, but for the most part my blog is full on constant typing. As anyone who knows me, I wear my heart on my sleeve. This may be a very hard agreement. But he also said that he wouldn’t feel right telling me not to. So . . . I at least wanted to give a brief update and then take it one post at a time.

My husband was a ball of emotions last night. This is one of the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place. Once while we were dating, we went to the movies together and he cried. I would say that the sign of a real man is that he can cry in front of me, but honestly I think the sign of a real man is one who is knows he doesn’t know everything.

My husband told me last night that he made an appointment to see our marriage counselor alone. Without me. Totally to work on his own issues. I was so taken back that I burst into tears too. I really think it takes a lot of courage and a lot of strength to go to counseling. Looking at your fears and epressing them is so incredibly vulnerable. And my husband has years and years of pent up emotion that he needs to let out. I am so filled with love and joy and emotions words can not express. And, another first, he started actually working on it with me last night. He told me things that I felt were things he has only felt comfortable telling me while we are in counseling. That in and of itself is huge for him. And the fact that he was able to talk, I was able to listen and we were able to have a conversation like we were talking about the weather (yet it was so much more). This is huge for us. Gives me so much hope that maybe, just maybe we really can do this.

I can not tell you how wonderful it feels to not only be filled with love and overflowing with it.

We will still be going to marriage counseling together and still making our own appointments for ourselves, but I have not just hope, but the possiblity of a future together.

I am not easily swayed, but the actions my husband has made since he got back tell me so much more than he could ever “tell” me. And that is what I need.

And when what I want and what is best for me are one in the same, well, why argue with it.

My husband called me today.

Hubby - “Hi honey.”

Me - “Hey, how’s it going?”

Hubby - “Good. I just called to tell you I was getting on the airplane.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . “Uh, hello?” (hubby)

Me - “Hey. Hi. Yeah, I’m here.”

Hubby - “Oh - I just called to tell I was getting on the plane.”

Me - “Sorry. I heard you. I am just . . . well, I don’t know what to say. I am shocked. I am glad you called to tell me. But I didn’t expect it. So, sorry I am shocked.”

Hubby laughs and says, “Oh, okay.”

Me - “Okay, well have a good flight.”

My mother in the background - Who is this?? - motioning like she is on the phone. I laugh, but seriously I am really shocked. I don’t know how to react. I know I should be happy because the one thing I wish my husband would do when he is on trips is call me to let me know he got on the flight, that he landed safetly and then because he is my husband and loves me soooooo much, give me a call everyday (yes, I said everyday) to tell me you miss me. Is that too much to ask? That is what I know I need from my husband.

The main problem I have with my husband is he constantly tells me he will do something (like call me) and then he doesn’t do it. I constantly feel let down. I constantly feel I can’t rely on him. I constantly struggle with whether or not to ask him to do something for me because I know that no matter what he says, he will not do it. And that is a horrible realization about my marriage.

It is really awful. It is a constant struggle of emotions. And since we are currently separated, I am really analyzing our relationship. I have figured out how I can be a better person in our relationship and I am practicing doing that. He has stated one area he can work on, but it is so conditional. He only does it when he feels like it. I find that so hard to take.

And just when I realized my husband may not be willing to do what I need, he starts doing what I need. Damn it.

I should be happy. I should be overtaken with joy because it may work.

BUT I can’t keep pulling hope out of my ass and loving him each time HE DECIDES to participate in our relationship. The constant heartache is just tearing me apart.

I am scared. More scared than when I thought we were getting a divorce. I am scared because what if he sucks me back in (or as my therapist would say, what happens if I allow myself to get sucked back in)? What happens when I get let down AGAIN as I always am?

I am finally feeling free and alive again. I am finally just starting to feel like a stronger woman who is cutting the cord. I have realized that even though I love my husband, sometimes love isn’t enough and if he isn’t willing to be a constant participant in our relationship then I just have to move on.

I am going to stick with my plan though, to pick a date in the near future that I will be able to say either I am leaving or I am staying. And if I leave, I know I have given it my best and I won’t be disappointed. And if I stay, then I can reevaluate my time and see how I feel.

But I am still scared. The heartache is just truly horrible.

And yet, I am currently so happy with what I am doing and how I doing it. I know it is okay to be sad, but I just want to be happy.

And yet, now I am a little scared too.

Seriously ready to kill the remote. I keep picturing myself throwing the remote on the ground and then stomping on it. Or burning it. Or something way worse. I am just struggling with the way worse part because I am so ready to just laugh myself into the loony house.

When I moved back into my parent’s house, I ended up sharing a room with my niece. (I am just glad I get a room and bed. Could always be worse.) Thing is, she likes to take baths with the tv on. From the bathtub you can see the tv in her room. One day she dropped the remote into the bathtub. And it never recovered.

After many frustrating days of using a remote that only moves channels down or volume up - I kid you not - I broke down and bought a universal remote. Seriously, how many of you out there bitch every single day because of something so trivial as a remote being broken which would only cost you about 30 minutes of your time and maybe $20 and YOU STILL HAVENT’ FIXED IT?? Save the day, right? Wrong. Apparently I didn’t read the instructions. Not only amI supposed to keep the remote guide for the entire life  of the remote, but I am supposed to enter the code into the remote for all three sections - tv, vcr, cable. I didn’t know either of these. I was so excited just to have a remote that I entered the code under tv and then threw away the box and papers. I was so excited to have a remote that would channel up and down, volume up and down and turn off and on, sleep, mute and so many other way too wonderful things. Sadly it had come to that.

Now I have bought a new remote, but it doesn’t work either!!!!!!!!!!!

Solution1: Problem 1: I went on Philips.com and tried to find the codes. Even though I didn’t see the codes, I decided to just start entering codes thinking one of these has to work. Right? Wrong.

Solution 2: Problem 2: Phillips.com doesn’t list the remote I just bought on their website. They have many others, just not the one I need.

Solution 3: Problem 3: Want to email Phillips.com, but NO WHERE on the remote does it list a product code. NO WHERE!?!? So I can’t even begin to tell them what type of remote it is or what and I can’t seem to find it online anywhere, even where I bought it.

Solution 4: Problem 4: I am back to using the original broken remote. And I am out money too!

NEED HELP!!! Do I???

• Go back to where I bought the remote and buy a new remote, only to return it later after I have used the codes?
• Go to the store I bought the remote and tell them the story hoping they will save me the trouble and just open the damn package so I can get the stupid code?
• Spend more time on the phone with Phillips.com even though they know nothing???? And I sound like a complete idiot because I don’t know what remote I bought???
• Throw the damn thing out the window and protest tv all together?

Losing my mind.

Feels like a letter to the editor of a newspaper . . . Signed, losing my mind in Phillips hell . . .

Dear losing my mind in phillips hell . . .

Broke down and got my tattoo this weekend. I have been saying for years now that I would like to go and get another tattoo on my lower back. But for some reason I just never did it. I am not sure if I never found a tattoo that struck me or if I was just putting it off.

I have found myself thinking everyday about the things I want to do before I die. It seems to be all over tv. Feel like it is a sign or something. Oprah had a show about Things To Do Before I Die and she called it “The Bucket List.” So I feel like now is as good a time as any to start checking things off my list.

Nevertheless, I went and got it!!

I am so happy!! The guy who did it was awesome!!! He did a fabulous job. Not only did he do exactly what I wanted, but he jazzed it up even more. He added the color that I wasn’t sure would work and the side swirlys. He was really nice too. He owned the shop I went to, so we spent most of the time talking business.

Everyone in the shop was so somber. I felt like jumping up and down and screaming “I am getting a tattoo!! YEah!!” But it seemed a little out of place. So I kept my excitement to myself as much as possible. When I got home though I was still pretty excited. I feel like my niece, everytime I walk by a mirror I am trying to see my ass in it just to catch a glimpse of the tattoo. LOL

I thought my dad would have a fit. The last time I came home with a tattoo he wasn’t too pleased. This time, I think he really liked the tattoo. My mom keeps saying how great it looks. Funny how I want to stop and show everyone (not that I have).

It hurt like hell though. I was so surprised because my first one didn’t hurt, but it is a lot smaller and resides on a fatty place which apparently helps. It took about two hours to do. The guy gave me a couple of compliments which at first I wasn’t sure were compliments, but I decided to take them that way. LOL He said my spine is really straight (which apparently most people’s spines are off by about six inches or more) and my skin is a really nice color and texture, perfect for tattooing. LOL Hey, I’ll take what I can get.

I absolutely love the finished product. It came out so much better than I imagined it would. And it cost less that I thought it would. I am so pleased. Good thing, since it will be there forever. I love that I can go back for touch-ups at no additional charge too. Bonus!

Do you have a tattoo? What is it and where is it??

and loving every minute of it!!

My mother and I went and got manicures and pedicures this morning. It was so much fun!!

I had a gift certificate from my birthday to use up and it was great that my mom went and got one too. First time I have ever had a mani/pedi and got to gossip the whole time. It was nice and peaceful. About an hour and a half of just sitting there with nothing to do, but relax. I always get a french manicure on both my toes and fingers. Every time I go in I swear I am going to pick a color, but I never do. I just love the way the french manicure looks. Feels more girly to me.

I was kind of disappointed in my girl though. She had no bedside manner. She dropped my foot on the tub a few times, stretched my toe out a little too far and she didn’t really massage very deep. Not to mention my back massager was broken. Honestly though, I had such a good time, it really didn’t matter.

And when I say started I mean I bought one gift. Just one. But it is a start.

Not only did I buy it, but I wrapped it too! Course since I don’t have a tree where am I going to put it? Hadn’t really thought of that.

Here is what I bought. Only I got the 6 megapixel. It had a $20 mail-in rebate and the person is young enough that it will be a great beginner camera.

This year I have decided to buy for less people and to find gifts that those I am buying for will truly use or love. Something fun and not just after Christmas they will forget about it. So I am spending a little more $, but on more meaningful gifts.

I have all but one person figured out this year. My father. I have no idea what to get him. I go through this every year. He always says, “Why don’t you just clean the house?” Which I would, but he doesn’t really mean that, he is just being sarcastic. And I would pay to have someone clean it, but he wouldn’t really enjoy that either (money not well spent according to him). Probably the best gift we (my sister and I, though it was my huband’s idea yet he wasn’t my husband at the time) ever got him was the TIVO thing. We called and had the company hook up the box and paid for 1 year of service. He felt it was too much. I didn’t care. My parents watch so much tv at such odd times that they needed this. Now they can’t imagine living without it. Funny.

I am not really in the “thank you” mood today. Don’t ask. Just too much trouble to tell why. Or maybe I just feel like being mean. Even though I am not. Mean, I mean. So in honor of Thanksgiving I feel I should give a list of things I am thankful for. BUT since I am not really in the mood for happiness and all that crap, let me give you my sarcastic list as only I so eloquently can . . .

I am thankful that . . .

• I love my niece more than her life itself because she woke me up at 8am today and had absolutely no remorse whatsoever (could this be the reason for my crankiness?)
• I love my cats because my Izabel (see photo in previous post) attacked me today and bite the ever living shit out of me because she was hungry and didn’t feel like eating the food I provide for her
• I didn’t have to cook today because I normally do the dishes and I don’t think I would have been able to get out of those even if I cooked
• I still  have over a month til Christmas to finish making two gifts that don’t seem to be making themselves; although I do have a backup plan - I will have my mother finish making them
• I work in retail, so if I decide to skip shopping before 5 am I can still look forward to running into all the wacko shoppers at work
• I know just enough about computers to completely frustrate myself and get absolutely no where, but at least I tried
• My husband is hunting with his grandfather, my stepson is at his biomoms and I am here at my parent’s house kind of like when I was a kid only I am not a kid anymore and the fact that they let me stay at their house is probably because they can’t figure out if they did something wrong or something right when raising me (hi mom)
• My husband doesn’t read my blog because I just realized really recently that there is a lot of shit in here about him and I have a BIG feeling he would take it the wrong way
• I don’t have to send out holiday cards anytime soon because I have no idea if I even want to send out card this year because I don’t know how to sign the cards - Heidi and her cats, yes she is separated, but still married - The **** Family, but I am really just lying LIAR!! because I don’t live there currently

And on a not so bitchy side -

• I am thankful that my husband is willing to go to marriage counseling
• I am thankful for my parents hospitality and love
• I am thankful that I have my two absolute God send cats because they make me laugh when I don’t want to, cry with someone by my side, get out of bed when I don’t want to and just when I think I can’t take anymore, one of them bites me and I know it can always be worse
• I am thankful that I am an adult and I can pretty much do anything I want to now and I am so getting another tattoo this weekend YEAH!!

And if your tired of my sarcasm you really should check out the fun photos I took today. Because there are NEVER ENOUGH PHOTOS OF MY CATS!!!!

Izabel eyeing the turkey

Tuesday giving Thanksgiving Day kisses.

Nice big stretch.

And probably one of my favorite pics of the day - Tuedsay yawning. The sign of a great day!!

Izabel hiding from me.

 She is WAY TOO CUTE!!!

My niece practicing her chello. She is SO excited!! It was only her second day practicing. To be able to participate in strings at school is apparently like going to Disneyland.

She is a natural!

Dad and Louis.

Very sleepy kitty

Louis taking a nap . . . well before the photo was taken.

Miles, the sock thief, got caught red handed. Somehow got into the laundry basket and could not get out.

She is such a pretty kitty.

Tuesday’s cat nap.

Interrupting her cat nap with another photo.

Izabel helping clean out the cuboards.

My Lemon Bundt Cake - first one ever to actually come out of the pan looking like a real bundt cake and not some crumbly mess.

And here it is iced and ready to eat. I realize that I will never have a career in cake decorating, but it sure tasted good!!

My father says relationships are like houses. When you are getting ready to purchase one, you should have a list of things you have to have and things you would like to have. Even though I think this is a really odd metaphor, I find it makes perfect sense. And though I have already “purchased” my home (ie: married), I have been thinking a great deal about this subject lately and felt like posting on it.

Some people have to have the simple things like a roof, running water and electricity (ie: a person who lives and breaths). Others prefer the American Dream, 2 car garage, white picket fence, walk in closet and a yard (ie: more than a few upgrades).

I have a much more definite list. Hide your surprise. And because I am feeling in the mood to share (another shocker, I know), here is my list.

Things I have to have -

• complete honesty - no half truths, no lying under most circumstances (only the “do I look fat in this?” type of lie is acceptable), no technically it isn’t a lie, no what I meant was and changing your story or meaning
• reliability - do what you say you are going to; I abore people who “do what I say, not what I do,” seriously if it isn’t something you are going to do why the hell would you expect someone else to do it? And think about this like you were telling a child how to live. This is a big one for me. I am constantly bombarded with people whose actions speak a lot louder than words. Really awful to have someone make a committment to you and then not follow through.
• faith - faith in something other than yourself; I don’t really care what religion you follow (if any) just having faith is a good think if you ask me; this also means this person will accompany me to church when I feel the need (and I their church)
• love - there has to be love and not just any love, but love that I understand. I recently read The Five Love Languages and boy does it clear up so much. Everyone loves differently - physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of love, gifts and quality time. I can recognize the love language each of my family members speak and I hope it makes the relationships I have that much better. If anything, when they are down or angry it makes it a hell of a lot easier to provide a loving shoulder.
• 
• love who I am, not who you think I am -I am not the psycho chick I can occasionally come across as. I am very passionate about most things. That is just a way of life for me. I live by my emotions. But that is one of the things that makes up who I am. Accept it or not, just please don’t criticize me for it.
• Apologize and mean it - I can not stress the second part enough. So many times people apologize because they think they have to, but go the extra mile and actually mean it. Don’t make excuses for why you did what you did, just apologize and then follow it up with something like, “I can understand why that would hurt you.” (see also “The Five Languages of Apologies”)
• Love and tenderness - I am a very tactile person. I love hand holding, hugs, caresses, long glances, meaningful looks, massages and plain old fashioned kissing.
• Cling-on - I am very needy. I like attention. And most of the time I just want a moment of your time that says, hey I heard you. The best thing you can do for your loved one is take 10 minutes out of everyday and give them all of your attention, whether it is just listening to them, massaging their feet or hands or whatever.
• Grow, Learn & Goals - I am a mover and shaker. I like to make plans and act on them. You may be comfortable in life, but you should always be growing and learning something new in life.

Wow this has turned into quite the list. I honestly didn’t think it would be that long. Kind of don’t want to give you the like to have list now. May be too much. LOL

Things I would like to have -

• Family oriented - I really care about my family and they are a big part of my life. It is easy to get lost in my family because we are so absorbant. We are loud and tell you like it is (no sugar coating).
• Traveler - I love to travel, but this is something I have done on my own for many years and I don’t mind doing it that way.
• Kids - I like kids and would like to have some someday
• A Grown Up - at my age you start to realize there are somethings you just don’t want to deal with every night like constant kissing up to the porceline god and hangovers, illegal drug busts, going out every night, losing electricity because a bill didn’t get paid, only thing in the fridge is sour milk and beer, kids running around with no discipline because the parent doesn’t want to parent, calling in sick to work every Monday and Friday and boy does this list go on. LOL
• Financial Stability

So there you go. The structure and design of my house.

Do you have a list? What does you have to have and like to have consist of?

And please, this is not a singles hotline. Do not leave me a comment on how you have all of these qualities. I am married for pity sake.

One of my favorite things about being married is the COMFORT I feel when under normal, single circumstances I would be embarrassed. Highly embarrassed.

Things I am comfortable with strictly because I am married -

• farting (out loud and/or smelly ones)
• walking around naked
• burning food (or under cooking food)
• being completely supicious of my neighbors because they have more than 20 people going in and out of their house at all times and at least 7 cars parked out front
• being annoyed by my other neighbors because they come over to borrow a cup of sugar EVERY DAY and borrow a coupon from my Sunday newspaper EVERY SUNDAY
• morning breath
• not answering the phone at home ever
• blaming the fact that I can’t make a decision on waxing my car without my husband present (could you please just wash my car without trying to upsale me?) or any decision, for that matter, about my car without my husband present
• being the one blamed because the dishwasher that the counter guys gave us doesn’t match the rest of the appliances and so we need a new one, simply because they are too stupid to realize they cut a whole in the dishwasher when installing the new counters
• knowing I will never, ever have to shovel snow, pick up dog poop, clean the pool, mow the lawn, trim the trees (although I have to admit I have done a few of these things already, but only because I wanted to)
• talking comfortable with other men and not worried about stalkers or gross me out guys who leer at me (I am taken thank you - and protected)