eRamblings

• People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.

exert from “Eat, Pray, Live” by Elizabeth Gilbert

though I didn’t.

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote it.

In the secod section about India, she talks about all the different religions and how they view “man’s inherently flawed state”.

Toaists call it imbalance.

Buddism calls it ignorance.

Islam blames our misery on rebellion against God.

Judeo-Christian attributes all our suffering to original sin.

Freudians say that unhappiness is the inevitable result of the clash between our natural drives and civilizations needs.

Yogis (yoga) human discontentment is a simple case of mistaken identity. We’re miserable because we think that we are mere individuals, alone with our fears and flaws and resentments and mortality. We wrongly believe that our limited little egos constitute our whole entire nature. We have failed to recognize our deeper divine character. We don’t realize that, somewhere within us all, there does exist a supreme self  who is eternally at peace. The supreme Self is our true identity , universal and divine.

Now I am not a Yogis. In fact, I don’t even like yoga. I prefer pilates. Though I would imagine yoga is almost like a sister to pilates. I don’t consider myself a very religious person either, but I have faith. I have belief that there is something bigger than us. Something better than us. Something that watches over and guides us - not predicts what will happen or decides our fates - just helps us through the difficult times and celebrates with us during the good times. Someone who doesn’t answer all our prayers, but the ones that will help guide our way - whatever that way may be.

In regard to the quote from Gilbert’s book above, I have always felt like I lived the life of two different people. The one that has a smile on her face. The one that is in a good mood. The one that doesn’t call in sick to work. The one that doesn’t throw things and yell. The one that agrees with you because it is easier than rocking the boat. The one that basically makes sure everyone is happy and taken care of. Despite the happiness (or unhappiness) of myself.

Then there is the other me. The one that just wants to be happy too. To be able to do what I want when I want. And this isn’t too much to ask because I am not an unreasonable person. I am not a mean person. I am not a bad person. I don’t spend a lot of money. I have a good work ethic. I love my family. I respect people. I have faith. I don’t like to ruffle people’s feathers, I would just like to do my thing.

I feel like life controls who you are sometimes. I feel like because of our society one must live to work. And that is SO WRONG! I believe we should work TO LIVE.  I don’t want my life to pass me by because I spent the better part of it trying to earn money to support my family - the family I didn’t see or spend time with because I was so busy working. There has to be a way to work and still enjoy life. There has to be a way to work but not be consumed by it. I feel consumed by it sometimes. Then again, I work hard. I believe you work hard today and you have a job tomorrow.

I believe there is inherent good in all people. Some people choose to listen to it and some people don’t.

When I am in a bad mood, I am simply looking for a hug, a soft touch, an apology - something that says I am important.

There is also the part of me that wishes I could travel the world for a living. I want to see every part of this globe and take notes. I want to take pictures and stop and smell the roses on all continents. When I travel I remember why I enjoy traveling so much. I love the newness of things. I love the discovery. I love the people. I love the scenery. I love the freedom. I can go anywhere. Do anything. Eat anything. I love being in a place where everyday could be completely different. Where everyday could be a new eye opening experience. The freedom. No inhibitions.  As Gilbert says, “when you see a glimmer of happiness . . . when you sense a faint potential for happiness after dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face first out of the dirt - this is not selfishness, but obligation“.

Traveling is like becoming a new person. You step into a different world. A different time. You can choose to be whomever you want to be in that particular country, town or even shop. Let the environment transform you. Let the culture woo you. Let the language speak to you. Whomever you may be.

I am one of few people (that I know of) that truly enjoys being by myself. I have since I can remember enjoyed my own company. I relish going to a movie by myself. I love going to a really nice, romantic restaurant and having dinner all by myself - and I order wine and dessert. I enjoy walking in a crowded mall or street all by myself and people watching. The freedom and choices are all what I make of them.

I also enjoy being with people. I really enjoy being with people who let me be. I am a people person, but on my own turf and in my own way. I like to slowly work my way into a room. I can jump right in, but prefer to speak to people slowly. I like to mingle. I like to talk to all sorts of people. I despise people who are cliqued. Who don’t want to talk to new people. Who don’t want to let you into their conversation. Who like to put you in your place.

Mean people suck.

I am completely at home just being me. I am amazed time and again how hard it seems to just do that. Be me.

I struggle to keep up with the life I have fit myself into. I want to be a great stepmom, not for me, but for my stepson. Inadvertantly, I have become the evil stepmom on occasion because I am trying so hard to help him be his best. When I need to stop and realize he is his best; he is growing and learning; he will be his best just by getting the small motivations I like to speak of. What I need to do is stop and be his friend (while coaching the mom out of me).

I want to be a loving and nurturing wife, but I struggle with the picture I have of marriage being a partnership; a team of sorts. I pictured my husband and I reading our books together before bed. I pictured us doing dishes together, cooking together, folding laundry together. I pictured us going for nightly walks and talking about life.

My picture doesn’t fit real life.

Don’t get me wrong. I like my life. I love my husband and I am so lucky to love (and be loved by) my stepson.

I just didn’t think life would be so hard.

Life is hard. Life is pain.

Mixed in with love and saddness and melancholy and frustation and so many other emotions I have a hard time putting my finger on.

What I am learning and realizing everyday is life is about cherishing the moments where life is more sweet that you ever thought possible and then not falling apart when it isn’t it.

What I am realizing is my real self can come out and be here and not disappoint (or create unhappiness in) others.

I don’t have that big of an effect on other people. I don’t determine whether or not they are going to have a good day or bad day, but I can help by smiling and being nice. Or I can refrain from being rude or unhelpful. Or I can choose not to chose at all that day. It is completely up to me. I choose how to be affected by those around me. I choose whether to be affected by those around me.

Again, Gilbert says it best, “My mother has made choices in her life, as we all must, and she is at peace with them. I can see her peace. She did not cop our on herself.  The benefits of her choices are massive - a long, stable marriage to a man she still calls her best friend; a family that has extended now into grandchildren who adore her; a certainty in her own strength. Maybe some things were sacrificed, and my dad made his sacrifices, too - but who amongst us lives without sacrifices?”

Yes, who amongst us lives without sacrifices?

You do the final load of towels only to turn around and see that there is one lonely towel left out. One towel that somehow got missed. One towel that didn’t get washed. One towel that always seems to be smarter than you.

Damn

One hour before feeding my cats, this is where they reside. Right next to the food bowls.

Cracks me up.

They just sit there and watch my every move. Everytime I come near them, they leap up in hopes I am feeding them.

Anticipation.

It is probably way too early to be counting down a scrapbook retreat that will not happen until January 08, but I don’t care.

I am soooooooo excited!!

One of the girls sent me this photo from the retreat last year and all I can say is -

WOHOO SNOW!!!

I am totally excited and competely scared too!!

The retreat is a cabin that holds 10 people. We have a huge room where there are a few tables set up and then the kitchen is around the corner. We have three sleep rooms with multiple beds in them and a couple of bathrooms.

The meals are coordinated with the rest of the camp. We have specific meal times and the mess hall is outside our cabin and down the road a little ways. This means we will have to bundle up each time we want to go outside!

I just love it!

It is beautiful and peaceful.

When I went this summer, I took a few walks to take a moment and well, smell the roses (so to speak). There was a bench I could go out and sit on. And at one point, I could hear the wind whistle through the trees. It was so incredibly amazing.

I felt a presence of a higher being there. Whether there was or not. I felt it. I felt lifted. I felt better. I felt calm. I felt so alive.

It really puts things into perspective. It makes the things that were so important at home, so unimportant.

It makes me remember how small I am in the whole mix of things.

It makes me remember why we are here in this world.

To enjoy life. To experience life. To breath and to listen and to smell. And just relish all that life provides.

It is so easy to forget when I am dealing with all the stuff I deal with everyday - honking horns, smog, cranky people, being in a hurry, frustrations, my kid having a bad day, and so many other frustrations.

It is easy to forget the beauty in life. The simplicity. The peace. The calm.

That is what I feel when I go on a retreat.

Wow, I totally digress.

So I am going on a retreat and just starting thinking the other day that this would be the count down.

We will swing into holiday season, New Year and it will be January before we know it.

Yeah retreat!!

And YEAH scrapbooking!!

Now I need to go find myself one of those countdown thingy-ma-bobs.

Months: 3

Weeks: 17

Days: way too early to count these down (who cares? - 117)

Give or take a few days, but who’s counting?!

science project night.

We spent the better part of the evening trying to figure out what the scientific method is for a fifth grader. No we didn’t have the handout from the teacher. Too easy. We had to look it up on the internet. The project and the scientific method. So I guess you could say we were trying to be smarter than a fifth grader tonight.

I think we did a pretty good job.

Sometimes I think someone is telling me out there it would be so much more beneficial if you had one night to do the project, left the book somewhere else, lost the school paper, and basically just started from less than scratch. Now that is a project.

The project is about density. We made a diver guy out of aluminum foil and danced him around in a water filled pop bottle.

I am proud to say that my niece did the work (almost) completely by herself. I made sure not to give her any answers, making her think on her own. Come to her own conclusions. Just helped her by asking her the right questions. She made her poster all by herself too.

I am one of those parents that will not help my kid by doing the work for them. It is so satisfying to let your kid do the work. And it is very easy to see when the parents do the projects for them. Really annoying. Really cheating.

If I could go back to fifth grade and do the work now, well, I wouldn’t be in fifth grade. I would be an adult posing as a fifth grader. It would be something different.

So I let the kid do her own work. I let her handwritting be what it is. I let her sentences be what they are.

Then I stand back and tell her what a fabulous job she did. Because she did.

She has many years to work on grammar, poster board layout, and all the other ways to make her project more finished.

Who cares right now? She is in fifth grade and doing very awesome.

While driving today I encountered a couple of license plates that I found interesting.

A motorcycle read -

SOBR

Kind of an odd license plate for a car - sober. At least that is how I read it.

Then a really nice Porsche read -

WFLVSME

Does this guy really want us to believe his wife picked out his license plate so the whole world would know his wife loves him? Or did he pick out the plate so the whole world knows his wife loves him? Either way I find this a little odd.

My favorite and really one I would have picked out for myself -

WHATEVER

Pretty much says it all. At least all I like to say.

Frustrated with someone? Whatever. Don’t know what to say? Whatever. Stumbling over your wording? Whatever. Having a bad day? Whatever. Run into someone in a bad mood? Whatever. Don’t like the dinner I provided? Whatever. Don’t agree with what I have to say? Whatever. you get the point

I am always trying to figure out what the plate says. So if I ever rearend someone it is because I was trying to read their f****ng plate or the 2″x2″ bumper sticker. Seriously folks, if you are going to go to the trouble of putting a sticker on your plate make it readable or at least pick a plate that one can figure out. And if you really only put the sticker on for yourself - whatever.

My father-in-law had his parent’s initials on his license plate. Now, I would have spent most of my drive to work trying to figure the plate out and probably the rest of the day. Frustrating. Frustrating, but highly funny.

The personalized license plates are pretty interesting. Why would someone want a personalized license plate in the first place? As my dad says, “it just makes it easier for cops to remember your plate”.

Do we really need another thing that cries freedom of speech? We already have wording on the butt of pants, chest area on shirts, windows, hats, shoes, banners that hang from buildings and all of the wonderful, yet annoying political signs that litter our streets every year around the same time. Do they really think that I am going to vote for someone just because I read their sign at the stoplight? Guess, some do.

I bought a shirt at Old Navy and the first day I wore it my husband was behind me in the kitchen and started reading 555-6874.

“Oh really, and who are you giving your phone number out to?”

I turned around, “I beg your pardon?”

He said, “Right here on your shirt, is a phone number”.

“What? Where?”

“Right here”. And he pulled the bottom part of the back of my shirt around to show me. I did have a phone number printed on the back of my shirt. Funny, I hadn’t noticed that. What if it was cuss words or gang graffiti? Shows how much I look at the clothes I buy.

What is really funny is I could have had the price tag or size sticker on the shirt. Boy, have I done that before. Really embarrassing.

Has anyone really thought about the implications of having the word JUICY printed on your butt? Don’t get me wrong, I love the clothing line, but when did it become okay to print the word juicy on a woman’s ass? I thought that was like calling her fat? i mean phatt

Speaking of clothing, I was at Old Navy today using my birthday gift card and was totally psyched because I got three pairs of pants for $40. No way? Way. I also threw in a $7 t-shirt too. Yeah!

When I announced that I had fabulous finds, the girl at the register replied, “That’s Hot!” LO

I had an incredible day off today. I swear these days don’t come along often enough. I dropped my niece off at school, hit Old Navy, then hit the BIG scrapbook store about an hour away from the house and cashed in my 20% off purchase being that it is my birthday month (yeah!), then went home and scrapbooked both the kids scrapbooks. I used the sei kits and they turned out awesome. Now I just have to find my fav photos and journal. I have already been journaling in my head what I plan to write about - lots of thing about when they were little and then my thoughts on life, love and other things I want them to remember.

When I showed them both the books with the pages done they were both stoked. Big grins on their faces. Woohoo! Finally a book all about them and all for them. Can’t wait to get them done. My niece’s book is brown and pink and my son’s is red and blue. And they both loved the colors and sticker quotes. BONUS!!

I had planned on letting them pick all of it out, but that was when I had the idea - about a year ago. I figured it was time to just get it done and stop planning it.

And because ever since the girl at Old Navy said it; I have wanted to say it, so -

That’s Hot!

Why do I like saying that so much? LOL

I heard on the news today that the energy efficient money saving light bulbs really are a scam. Seriously, at this point I don’t think anyone cares if they are a scam or not. They have bought them. The feel better because they are doing something good for the environment. Let bygones be bygones.

I was wondering if this was one of those theories or studies that is put out to the public to give more pump to the nay-sayers of global warming. Just another reason why global warming is false.

Whatever. I believe it and like that I feel I am doing my part globally. I like all the warm fuzzies I receive when I think about it.

So my son actually is wearing his last clean pair of underwear right now. Shocker. I can’t believe it went this long. I am thankful that I am the one who brought him his underwear to the shower tonight or honestly I don’t know how much longer it would have gone on. To go even further, I don’t even want to know what he would have wore tomorrow for underwear. I don’t even want to consider the fact that he has probably been wearing dirty socks. Especially since his socks can walk on their own by the time they come home from the playground. Uhg. Here I have been all proud because I have kept up on mine and my husband’s laundry and the towels.

Supposedly, we are considering getting rid of our cleaner. We have been saying for a month now that we have the housecleaning under control. Course, we have had a cleaner coming every two weeks. So much easier to keep under control that way. She is supposed to come on Monday, but my husband keeps saying he is going to call her. Hopefully not Sunday night. I would feel bad. I would want to give her enough notice to fill our spot if possible. Then again, maybe he doesn’t really want to let her go. I don’t. She makes my life easier and definitely less stressful. I have a serious germ phobia. I just hate messes. Don’t know how I live with kids and pets. Amazing I don’t walk in and fall on the floor with convulsions because of the mess some days.

I swear when I wrote this post there was a point to it.

Whatever.

but sadly, so much harder.

I decided it was time for a change. Not permanent. But a change nontheless.

I was feeling a little depressed with the black blog. I like black, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes, just like the living room furniture, you just have to move things around to see everything in a new light.

Welcome.

It’s awfully bright outside.

I might need sunglasses.

Love that song.

I think I just dated myself.

Who cares?

Have a great day!!

Okay so I am not much into the Tag thing, but I really liked this one. I snaked this one from Lizness Blog - basically I considered myself tagged. I have a 9 year old son, how can you not like ones that give you your superhero name and star wars name???

YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car) Izabel VW

YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, favorite cookie) Cherry Chunk Chocolate Chip

YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name) Hmoo

YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Red Cat

YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born) Lea Salt Lake

YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first) Moohe

SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink put “The”) Green The Vitamin Water

NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers) Arthur ?? (holy cow I don’t know one of my grandfather’s first names)

WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names ) Jane James (wow LOL)

I may use some of these in the future. Giving me way too many ideas . . .

Playing along with Suburban Turmoil’s Guilty Secrets posts - exert here

When Baby was born, I swore I’d be the perfect mother. I read every advice book on the market and tried all the techniques designed to make my daughter the healthiest, most well-behaved, well-adjusted child on the block.That lasted for about a month.Little by little, I realized with a mixture of amusement and horror that I was not going to be like so many of the other new moms I knew . . .

Here are my guilty secrets (in no particular order)

• I wish my niece could be my daughter; if all else fails I hope any daughters I have will be just like her. She is truly the best kid out there. She does her homework without being told, she likes school, she likes to read, she asks to do chores when she comes to my house (to be a part of the team), she actually does whatever I ask her to do, she smiles all the time, she is truly happy to see me all the time. I swear in some other life we are twins. She is mini-me.
• I hide food from my family. I even have my own cuboard in the kitchen.
• I don’t like to share very often. And I will not share my towel (it is dirty only by my own clean body), my pillow, my computer or desk and I am sure other things I can’t think of right now.
• I don’t like to use my son’s bathroom (our guest bathroom) because I know what he does in there. Even after the cleaner has been there.
• Some days I hate being married. Those are the days I am tired and had a shitty day and as I am driving home realize I still have to make dinner, do the dishes (clean ones too), laundry is piling up and I feel a headache coming on. Or when I wish my husband would just pull me on to his lap after work and just spill his guts about everything I have ever wanted to know about him and more (the never answered question, what are you thinking?). Or when my son is in trouble and my hubby doesn’t want to be the bad guy and enforce the rules we agreed upon earlier.
• Some days I love my cats more than life itself. Sigh.
• And on the cat subject - I meow at my dogs because I forget they are dogs, not cats.
• I make my 9 year old son make his own bed (all the time), put away his own laundry (all the time) and other horrible chores apparently only the mother should do.
• I would love to eat out at million dollar restaurants everyday or maybe just have a live-in chef.
• Sometimes I wish I could break stuff - but refrain from this most of the time. I really love that commercial where the couple toasts and then throws their wine glasses into the fireplace. Cool. I would love to have two sets of dishes, one I get to break when I feel like it and the other to eat off of.
• I wish I could live in Mexico for at least half a year all by myself.
• Even though the tv is on - I am still watching it. So NO YOU CAN NOT CHANGE THE CHANNEL just because I am reading or whatever else I am doing.
• I have a weird germ thing. I can picture the germs when my son doesn’t wash his hands after going to the bathroom or when we put raw meat on the counter. It totally grosses me out.
• Some nights I would love to sleep with the lights on. All of them.
• I get tired of going to Sunday dinner at my in-laws. Not because I don’t like my in-laws (boy I got lucky there - I really do like my in-laws), but because it is my only day off that I can lounge around and do whatever I want. I mean come on, my hubby gets to do that on Saturdays while I am at work. Why can’t I do that on Sunday?

 And even though I could keep going for days, I will stop and revisit this list later.

My life is sometimes like a movie. Remember The Point of No Return with Bridget Fonda? Love that one. I really understand her character. No I am not a professional killer. No I never did drugs. No I was never sentenced to death. But hey all of those come real close to being a wife and stepmom. Kidding. Anyway, the part where Bridget is being taught to be nice. They ask her to use this sentence when stressed out instead of showing her anxiety, “I never did mind the little stuff”. Kind of a mom dearest saying, huh?

On the bright side, here are my good things -

• I try to cook a healthy dinner for my family at least three to four times a week. And we sit down to eat as a family and (try to) talk about our day most nights.
• I (uhem, I mean we) have produced a list of chores our son does every morning and every night. It is easy to follow and he gets to decide whether or not it is important for him to finish his chores on time or have tv and videogame time. Great parenting - I might add. It is all up to him.
• My stepson actually likes me most of the time, and sometimes loves me too.
• I actually like his biomom. And I think she likes me.
• Being married has taught me to compromise on so many levels. I now can go for days (sometimes a full week) without losing my mind because I have been stepping over those shoes in the middle of the living room or because that Capri Sun wrapper is flying around the kitchen floor with the help of the fan or because the milk stains left on the kitchen table (or coffee table depending on where they ate) have become bacteria infested milk now. Ahhh, the relief of not losing my mind over the little stuff.
• I have positive attitude sentences posted in our house. Yes, that is really what I said. Things like, “I can do anything I set my mind to” and “I will be kind and smile” and “Make good choices” and “I believe in myself”.
• I have learned to let my husband watch the final 15 minutes of whatever it is he is watching. Apparently, that was a hard thing for him to do when we first started living together. And apparently, I like to interrupt in the last 15 minutes. Huh.
• I make our bed every morning. not something i ever thought i would do

Wow it is amazing how much harder it is to think of the good stuff than the bad. Probably time to revisit those positive attitude sentences or maybe I should just start breaking stuff.