eRamblings

A - AVAILABLE: I consider myself taken. I’m a definite smitten kitten.

B - BIRTHDAY: Sept 14, 1978. You mean it’s not a national holiday yet? Damn.

C - CRUSHING ON: Raindrop

D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Non-alcoholic drink - Sprite, water, shit I don’t remember; Alcoholic - Smirnoff raspberry flavored (that wash a shitter of a day holy HR post coming soon)

E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: My niece, Bugley, but she is incredibly hard to get ahold of except on Thursdays

F - FAVORITE SONG: Journey, Don’t Stop Believing (only sing at top of lungs, in a bar, or car in my case)

G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: Dear god, who even likes the word GUMMY it just makes vomit rise in my throat

H - HOMETOWN: Born in Salt Lake, but really feel the entire Southwest is my birthplace; refer back to “no national holiday” comment

I - IN LOVE WITH: Aeropostale and Bertolli

J - JUGGLE: yes, I am a fantastic multitasker thankyouverymuch

K - KILLED SOMEONE: In my head, probably daily

L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: Every car ride in the backseat of a carpool is the longest ride of my life as I get a bit car sick

M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Vanilla

N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: One

O - ONE WISH: world peace and happiness (snork - or maybe just for me)

P - PERSON YOU TALKED TO LAST: if we’re not counting my cats, it’s my parent’s as we went to dinner last night; if it’s texting it’s Raindrop

Q - QUESTIONABLE LIKE: I LOVE THE SMELL OF GAS, y’know that rotten egg smell they put in it to warn you you’re about to die from poisoning, yeah that one

R - REASON TO SMILE: Clean sheets and a new phone, one that works

S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Thirteen by Big Star; thanks Schmutzie

T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: which time are we talking about because I woke up at 5am, then 6:21 and then 7:04, but then proceeded to hit the snooze about three times after it went off at 7:33

U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: I don’t know as I am writing this in my bathrobe fresh from the shower (hey don’t ask if you don’t want to know, oh wait you didn’t ask)

V - VALUES: Uhm, yes please

W - WORST HABIT: I repeat most of what I say; I repeat most of what I say; I repeat most of what I say; I repeat . . .

X - X-RAYS YOU’VE HAD: entire body MRI, does that count?

Y - YOYOS: I’m sorry, I’ll try to answer this when I stop laughing about all the yoyo’s I encounter daily

Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Virgo (oh, yes, you should be scared)

Thanks Schmutzie for allowing me the luxury of stealing this meme, if you had given me permission that is.

Love is a funny thing.

Just when I thought I would feel like shit forever. Just when I thought I would never love again. Just when I thought all relationships were bound to be filled with hurt and anger. Just when I had lost the belief that there really truly is a thing called love -

I have fallen.

And I am scared shitless.

Completely and utterly scared.

I am waiting for the shoe to drop. There has to be one right?

I couldn’t possibly have met a man that truly enjoys being with me - faults and craziness and all - could I?

And yet, I am starting to believe again.

And it scares me on a moment to moment basis.

I literally wake up hyperventilating.

This man, he says these wonderfully sweet things to me. When I am having issues or when I break down and show my vulnerability and completely open up to him he has the gall to say the nicest thing. He may not realize it. In fact, he probably has no idea that he does this, but he recognizes me. We actually have a conversation about how I am feeling. And, yes he is a man, so his comments are few and far between and I do occasionally have to ask him to elaborate, but BY GOLLY I think I may have one.

The myth.

A man who actually cares about me, my feelings and wants to be with me.

Are you as scared as I am?

Let me be honest here. The man is not perfect. Nope. He is not. He is real. He pushes my buttons. At least once a week he chooses work over me. He actually is a workaholic (grrr). He is annoyingly sexy which means women are constantly checking him out. He has this really fucked up sense of humor, that actually makes me gasp in shock daily. He absolutely loves horror flicks (which I refuse to watch). He gunks up the toothpaste bottle and doesn’t clean it up. Jeez, it does go on.

But still, -

So many moments it has been on the tip of my tongue and just a hair of a second before I utter those unfamiliar words, I suck it back in. Once it’s said, it cannot be taken back. And what if it isn’t real? What if I don’t love him?

I mean how do you truly define love?

I’ve said it to a few men in my life. Did I love them? Yes, I think so. In my naivety of life, I did love them at the time. But my thoughts on love have changed so much as my feelings on relationships has changed.

No longer am I okay with just allowing my feelings to lead me. It takes more than love to birth a relationship. A real relationship. One where it will last a lifetime. I don’t just fall head over heels and not look back. It is, a friend of mine said disgustingly, I look at relationships like a business deal. At times it is necessary to suck the emotion out of it and decide how do I truly feel about column A and column B. Does he meet my have to haves and my like to haves or is he mostly like to have and can live with?

Here’s my list (of sorts) -

a man that WANTS to be with me and isn’t just looking for something better to come along

a man who loves his family and puts them first in his life in all decisions

a man who is responsible, ambitious and likes to work/wants to work

a man who loves pets (and isn’t going to bitch about my cats) and doesn’t just own a pet for looks or status

a man who is willing to be completely and utter vulnerable and tell me how he truly feels even when I am so angry he is afraid I might walk away

a man who is respectful of my thoughts and my feelings

a man who not only wants to know, but asks how I feel and think

a man who is leads an active lifestyle and desires to be healthy

a man who is able to enjoy the finer things in life like vacations and dessert

a man who isn’t afraid of a woman who speaks her mind

a man who has a life and is okay with a woman not wanting to he with him all the time - ie: his time, my time and our time

AND THAT IS WHAT I WANT.

Which is why I am so scared to utter those words.

The L word.

I don’t ever want to say those words to more than one more man in my life. Ever again. I want this time to be the last. So I better make it worth it. I better make sure this is it. This is the real thing.

And does anyone know how to tell if it’s real?

He meets all the criteria. And shit, I wasn’t even looking. It wasn’t supposed to happen this fast and without my knowledge. It just kind of snuck up on me.

What’s incredibly funny is the more vulnerable I feel the more signs I see that I can use to make this go away. Remember funny guy? He called me yesterday. He was just “checking in to say hi”.  Thing is - he is epitome of the kind of relationship I don’t want or rather he would be like going back to my ex-husband. He is bad for me in every sense of the word. Or I could pick a fight. It is so easy. I remember how to do it. Hell, I did it for a year or so with my ex. It doesn’t make it better that he did it with me. It’s so simple. And then let it play itself out.

But that was the old me.

The new me, doesn’t pick a fight, doesn’t call funny guy back. The new me embraces my scared and talks to Raindrop. Tells him I feeling scared. That this is all kinds of crazy. And he listens and he comforts me.

The new me, opens up about feeling less important when he chooses work over me. Which he in turns takes time off to spend the day with me.

The new me gets in the car and lays next to him when I am feeling like I haven’t been able to see him recently. Instead of calling and being a whiny girl. He in turn holds up the covers and then pulls me into his embrace.

The new me tries to remember how I hurt my ex and how he hurt me. The new me remembers that anger and frustration aren’t the ticket to making things work. The new me allows myself to be vulnerable to hurt because it is healthy.

The new me remembers the kind of relationship I don’t want and realizes that even though this is strange and new, it feels good and that is what matters.

When and if this is really love, well I guess I’ll know. And if he doesn’t love me back, oh well, at least I was able to fall in love with a man who, for however long a time, enjoyed being with me and I felt cared for too.

Okay so I am totally doing this on Wednesday because, well that is just how I roll. Actually I was posting my post it note tuesday and when visiting SupahMommy’s blog this topic was just too hot to not blog about. And when I say hot, I mean say too f*ckin funny.

A.   List of your top 5  relationship dealbreakers. ( friend, family,  in laws, etc) 

(rubbing my hands together - mwahhhhhh)

1. If you have to pick the guy up in your car bc he needs a designated driver

2. If the man carries a wad of cash that is rubber banded together or if his wallet is rubber banded together (i mean come on, get some of that money out and buy yourself a nice wallet)

3. If the man goes for the door first - and walks in slamming the door in your face

4. If the guy is wearing so much cologne he smells like he just came from a whore house

5. If he just came from a whore house

6. If the man goes to order and he ends up sounding like Sally on When Harry met Sally - uhm, I’ll have the salad, but with the tomatoes and dressing on the side. I’ll have the steak, but the sauce and mushrooms in a dish on the side and the potatoes but the butter in a slab . . .

7. If the man has a God complex - oh wait, that’s all men - my bad

8. If the man doesn’t know who the president is and can’t talk about anything else but how his younger brother won’t stop taking his playstation games

9. If the guy meets you by saying any of the below -

Your legs must be tired, bc you’ve been walking thru my mind all night

Those clothes look good on you, but would look better on my floor

You remind me of my sister

You remind me of my last girlfriend, she was such a biotch, nothing like you

10. If the guy tells me what he wants to see me dressed in when he picks me up (f*ck that sh*t)

Visit other Supah MEme’s at SupahMommy

It is absolutely amazing what I can get done when I get up and get moving in the morning. This morning I was waiting for my alarm to go off. I was actually laying in bed enjoying the peace and quiet; the slight darkness; the fact that my morning had not yet begun.

I even pushed the snooze button once.

Then I leaped out of bed, threw on some sweats and headed out the door.

I drove straight to the grocery store.

I had been planning on going last night. Actually I had been planning to go for the past week. Every day. But of course, last night was the last night I really needed to go. Running out of all the essentials. And it turned out to be pouring when I left work.

Nope. Not tonight.

Again.

Then I had an epiphany while laying there in bed this morning. Another thing about thinking before the alarm goes off. I have amazing ideas. Earth shattering, save the world ideas. Everything seems possible at that moment.

Saving the world later, I decided to make a gorgoeous dinner.  Reminisce of my mother.

Holy crap.

I know.

Last thing I cooked - I burned pancakes.

I got out my crock pot and threw a roast in it, poured cream of mushroom over it and voila! Done.

Until I get home, pull out the roast, add rice to juices and serve with corn.

My mouth is already watering with the knowledge of the smell I will come home to tonight.

It is the smell I remember from my childhood. The smell of a wonderful warm meal courtesy of my mother.  The woman is a genius of cooking (and other masters I have yet to master). But it is one thing I remember was a constant in my life growing up

The smell that would hit me on the way in the door after school. The smell of incredible food. Mouth watering food. It just filled our house til it was thick with aromas. And it would last for days.

One thing I can’t wait to pass on to my own family someday.

At work we have this really long set of brick stairs. They are really incredible looking. Beautiful really.

And dangerous.

For klutz like me.

All day, I watch our servers run up and down these stairs with four, five full plates of food. With grace, they run up and down.

I, on the other hand, can slip with my first step out of the kitchen.

Needless to say, I am careful. At all times. I do my best to really plant my feet before putting weight on it. It can take me a bit to get down that flight of brick stairs with only my one plate of food.

Two days ago, I slipped. Somehow. I still don’t know how. I slipped and went down. Plate of food and all.

I was lucky really. I only have a few bumps and bruises on my elbows. But I have to say, my lower back is pretty sore. And has been for two days. It just feels like someone has punched it mercilessly right about my butt directly across from my hips. So when I sit down it aches. When I lay down it takes about five minutes for me to really relax enough for it to relax because I know it hurts to have the muscles rest on a flat surface. It feels like a set of interlocking pieces where each set has to settle after the next and it hurts the whole way.

I am doing my best to not over stretch and to not under move. It’s really not so bad. Not as bad as it could have been. I am lucky to have gotten out unscathed.

My boss said, well at least you’ll be able to rest for your next two days off.

I just laughed.

Because really, when do I ever just relax?

So today is day number two in I have quit smoking. Again.

Yes, I suck. I started back up. Again.

And I am quitting. Again.

Sigh

This is the worst habit ever!! Quitting is so hard.

I feel pretty good though, other than little to no appetite and can’t sleep worth a-shit. Hopefully those are just going to happen in the first couple of weeks.

I really don’t want to smoke anymore. That is why I quit last time.

I hate the smell.

I hate the way my allergies are horribly worse.

I hate that the guy I am dating doesn’t like it. (actually I kinda like that part simply because I know I won’t get sucked back into smoking) But then again, can you imagine licking an ashtray. Ew! Can’t be a pleasant experience.

I hate that it is so expensive - almost $8 a pack.

I hate that I hide it from the people I love.

I hate that it takes up so much of my time.

I hate that it makes my TMJ act up.

I hate that my overall health is so much worse.

I hate that I look like a lesser person in front of my niece’s 13 yr old eyes.

Yesterday, I was sitting at lunch looking at my food and thinking how am I going to fill 30 minutes?  Instead of doing anything, I just sat there looking out the windows - which is as close as I can be right now at lunch time to being outside. All these reasons why I liked smoking kept coming to mind -

Smoking is the one excuse to sit down for seven minutes

Smoking is the one thing I can do by myself and not look lonely or alone

Smoking is the one thing I can do and not look like I am waiting for some random weird conversation from a stranger

Smoking is the one thing I can do when I don’t know what to do

And what I realized was all of these things have in common - I don’t allow myself to truly relax and when I do, I don’t want to talk to people. I have to learn to just sit. To just not do anything, but breath and enjoy that I am not doing anything. I always feel like I have to be “doing”. Otherwise I have to be in the safety of my own home where I can be totally free to be a lazy ass.

Either that or the first quit smoking lunch break was a beginnings of psychosis.

I’m freaking out about spending way too much money on gifts this year. I decided (actually it was mom’s idea) to make fudge and give that away at work for gifts instead. He wants me to come over, but I tell him I have to bake for work. He offers to come over and bake his pumpkin bread so I will have something else to put with the fudge - after working a 10 hour shift.

Exhibit B:

I go to Bed Bath and Beyond, the day before Christmas Eve and they (of course) do not have the gift I need. I do not have a back up plan for this person (why did I wait so long?). This is THE gift. He immediately gets on the phone and finds it at the one an hour away. I tell him I will have to go get it tomorrow because I work. He offers to go pick it up. I tell him thanks, but I can get it tomorrow. He says, wait, he has to work his 2nd job and it is on the way, so he’ll get it on the way. Okay, that’s reasonable. Thanks. Two hours later he shows up at work - with the gift. He just didn’t feel like going home yet. So he went and picked it up for me.

Exhibit C:

He braves a dinner party with my work friends and their spouses/dates. Last minute the boss offers to carpool so we can all drink. He carpools with us, but only one of the spouses shows and that is because he lives in the house we are partying at. Plus, there are five kids under age of 10 running amok. Really loud kids. (lol) He has also been up since 1130 the night before because he was at work. He ends up not liking any of the food (it’s a bit fru fru). I hear nary a word, instead he smiles and makes conversation, til we are about to leave. He requests some fast food and a bed.

Exhibit D:

He doesn’t give me crap about my cats, but rather offers to feed them and clean out the litter box while I’m getting ready for work.

Exhibit E:

I tell him, For whatever it’s worth and for however long this lasts, I want him to know he’s truly a wonderful person. He gets really embarrassed and says, You’re pretty cool too.

Exhibit F:

He doesn’t expect anything from me. He doesn’t change his mind or change the meaning of his words every two seconds so I don’t know what’s going on. He doesn’t continually try to make decisions without me and keep me guessing.

Exhibit G:

He goes with me to pick up a coffee table, tv stand and look at a couch I am interested in. I only buy the tv stand. Again, after working an 11 hour shift, he sits and puts together the tv stand while we talk and laugh.

Exhibit H:

When moving into my apartment, my dad tells me afterward - the guy was always the first one down the stairs to get the next item (I live on the 3rd floor) and always went for the heaviest items/side of furniture. (this is a high praise from my dad)

note: for the first time ever, I may have finally met a man who works as hard as my father and who cares about his family as much (ie: he puts others first)

(honestly, I was beginning to believe this was a myth)

oh and did I mention, he is incredibly sexy? oh, i didn’t? well, he looks a bit like Russell Crow in Gladiator. and yes, he has the physic to back it up.

oh my.

mwaw mmmwa mmmmmwa

smoochy smooch

OMG I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!

I lost power in my bedroom, closet, kitchen and spare bedroom (where the computer lies) LAST TUESDAY!!!

WTF?!

The first time I call, I’m all, Hey, just calling to let you know I need someone to come take a look at my breakers. I was in the shower, no major appliances going and the lights flickered for about five minutes then all was well. Til I tried to turn on my closet light to see what to wear. Then I ran around to find out my power is out in bedroom, closet, kitchen and spare bedroom/office.

They asked me to flip the breaks myself.

No problem.

Nope that didn’t work.

Okay we’ll send someone up.

Thanks

I return the next day and there is a note lying there saying that all is well. YEAH!! I go about my business. Later in the afternoon, I go to clean out the litter boxes which are in the master closet (how good does that sound, master closet? ahem); flick the light . . . flick the light . . . flick the - wtf! Oh, the light still doesn’t work. So I run around the apartment and flip all the lights that I knew weren’t working before. WTF! I go read the note they left me. No, nothing about coming back to install something. Well, SOB!!

The second time I call, I had to leave a message, Hey just thought I would let you know that the lights are still not fixed. If you could send someone up to fix them that’d be great. Thanks!

Late that night I get home, there is another note on the counter. Yeah! All fixed.

I immediately go in to the closet - flick - ARE U FN KIDDING ME?!

Okay, it’s now officially Christmas Eve. Which means I will be out of power for the next day and most of the following morning til they get in and receive my 3RD MESSAGE. I take a deep breath and say, Hey, just wanted to let you know AGAIN that my electricity is still not working in any of the bedrooms. Please PLEASE send someone up again. Thanks.

Now I would never ask them to come out on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Unless it was an emergency and this really wasn’t one of those. Not a huge deal to be out power in the bedrooms, kitchen and closet. I can survive.

Til the next morning, I go to make coffee on Christmas Day and . . . mother trucker - I can’t make coffee. No power in kitchen.

NOW it’s an emergency.

But I refrain from calling and hoist my coffee machine in to the bathroom, where, yes I made coffee in the bathroom.

The day after Christmas I get a phone call asking to make sure it wasn’t an old message and my electricity still needed to be fixed?

UHM YES!!! PUHLEASE!!!

I get home from work and ironically, I had forgotten. Or maybe blessedly.

Nope still FN broken.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE. YOU. FN. KIDDING. ME?????

So I call and say, Okay now I am getting frustrated. This is ridiculous. This is my fourth message and I have been out of power for almost a week now. I’d really appreciate it if you could fix this. Please call me. Then I go out and set my alarm on my phone to call them the moment the office opens. Obviously there is a miscommunication that they do not understand what it means when I say the power is out in these rooms, but really all I can think is DID THEY EVEN FN FLIP THE FN SWITCHES????

When I finally get the office person on the phone (who by the way, I really like, she’s so nice) and explain what is going on, she immediately says she is sorry and will send the other maintenance guy up.

And like a true ass, I call back later to find out if in fact the lights are truly working before I even get off work because if they aren’t - there may in fact be bloodshed.

She assures me they are.

And when I get home -

they are.

So hey.

I missed you.

I absolutely love my new job. My only job. And it really doesn’t officially start being my new job for another day.

I walked out of my last job for the last time last night. It was actually very sad for me. All those wonderful people. The ones I have interviewed, trained and worked with on a daily basis had become a bit like my kids. They were all young and in school. New and begging to learn. It was so fun to see them all grow and change into these awesome team players. And then to have them say so many wonderful things about my leaving. It just made me want to cry.

But such is life.

It was the best time to move on. I couldn’t have left on a better note. Funny, my boss agreed with me. We had another long conversation before I left. He really was a great boss to me. Personally and professionally. I will probably miss him the most. He helped me through some of my toughest times while I went through some of my toughest issues. He pulled and pushed and even though there were times I despised that, in the end, he made me a better person; a better employee.  I can’t thank him enough.

Now I really need to make time to go through my new apartment and start organizing and putting away all the crap still left in the boxes.

I woke up this morning in the worst mood. Tired from the black friday weekend. I worked 17 hours on Black Friday. Toughest day I’ve had in awhile. By the fifteenth hour, I had reached the edge. The sixteenth hour I had a caffeinated beverage followed by a cigarette in hopes it would get me through. When I left, I felt like death. Completely and utterly drained.

I keep thinking how interesting it will be to see how my life plays out in the next couple of months. I will be only working one job, which is nice pay. I will be living in my wonderful, new mansion of a two bedroom apartment. I am dating this incredible guy. I just feel that I am getting to such a blessed point in my life. I am pretty sure I could be content being here for quite some time. I am hoping to get to a point where I can fit being a volunteer paramedic into my schedule. Always been something I have wanted to do. But who knows what life may bring.

MOM boxes = morning of moving boxes

This is where my mother tells me every day, twice a day, to make sure I pack my morning of box so that I know where to find the coffee machine and all my other necessities.

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Izabel is scared. I can see it. She runs to me about every ten minutes and gives me kisses (where she reaches up and touches her nose to my mouth, smelling my breath) and then stands there not knowing what to do with herself. She eventually retreats back to her one spot on the bed.  But I can tell she doesn’t know what to do or where to go. Tuesday, on the other hand, is psychotically making circles round the apartment. She runs at top speed knocking stuff over and hitting the walls meowing as she goes. Not sure if it’s nerves or just thrilled to have some space to run.

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I am literally shoulder deep in boxes. In the past two days I have packed up my kitchen, living room, office and dining room. Just finished the bathroom, minus the shower curtain and towels. Tonight I will be breaking down the closet and drawers while washing the sheets. And tomorrow I have the morning to finish it all.

Holy crap I don’t know how I’ll be ready.

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I’ve reached the point where I am ready to just start throwing crap in boxes. There is all this random stuff left and I am not sure how to organize it. The annoyed what the hell do I do with non-organized stuff usually throws it out, but I think tossing it in a box and writing misc on it should be good enough for now.

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It’s the morning of and I was driving home this morning to make coffee and realized that though I remembered to not pack the coffee machine, I packed every single one of my coffee mugs. (refer back to beginning of this post - mom boxes). I pulled into the nearest gas station and grabbed some coffee and donuts. As I was pouring in cream and sugar I noticed they have flavors, so I treated myself to raspberry flavor shots in my coffee. I gotta say I may be investing in flavor bottles just to spice up my decaf coffee. I can’t seem to find the Ghiradelli chocolate coffee I love so much. I have settled on Dunkin Donuts, but it isn’t flavored with chocolate or anything. I didn’t like the idea of buying flavors to pour in my coffee simply because I am spending more money, but it is nice to have the taste.

So here I am sitting in front of my desk, crunching the box underneath me, drinking my coffee and eating my donuts. Outside of the music I am playing it is very peaceful. I am relishing this because I know in about four hours my dad will be coming over to oversee the process.  When he wants something done he is a commander. That’s why I like it. Things get done, but once he gets here there will be no silence until the move is over. Again, why I like it. But for just a little while I am going to breathe. Sitting here drinking my coffee - the donuts are gone.

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Song of the day - here. (#4)