eRamblings

Love is a funny thing.

Just when I thought I would feel like shit forever. Just when I thought I would never love again. Just when I thought all relationships were bound to be filled with hurt and anger. Just when I had lost the belief that there really truly is a thing called love -

I have fallen.

And I am scared shitless.

Completely and utterly scared.

I am waiting for the shoe to drop. There has to be one right?

I couldn’t possibly have met a man that truly enjoys being with me - faults and craziness and all - could I?

And yet, I am starting to believe again.

And it scares me on a moment to moment basis.

I literally wake up hyperventilating.

This man, he says these wonderfully sweet things to me. When I am having issues or when I break down and show my vulnerability and completely open up to him he has the gall to say the nicest thing. He may not realize it. In fact, he probably has no idea that he does this, but he recognizes me. We actually have a conversation about how I am feeling. And, yes he is a man, so his comments are few and far between and I do occasionally have to ask him to elaborate, but BY GOLLY I think I may have one.

The myth.

A man who actually cares about me, my feelings and wants to be with me.

Are you as scared as I am?

Let me be honest here. The man is not perfect. Nope. He is not. He is real. He pushes my buttons. At least once a week he chooses work over me. He actually is a workaholic (grrr). He is annoyingly sexy which means women are constantly checking him out. He has this really fucked up sense of humor, that actually makes me gasp in shock daily. He absolutely loves horror flicks (which I refuse to watch). He gunks up the toothpaste bottle and doesn’t clean it up. Jeez, it does go on.

But still, -

So many moments it has been on the tip of my tongue and just a hair of a second before I utter those unfamiliar words, I suck it back in. Once it’s said, it cannot be taken back. And what if it isn’t real? What if I don’t love him?

I mean how do you truly define love?

I’ve said it to a few men in my life. Did I love them? Yes, I think so. In my naivety of life, I did love them at the time. But my thoughts on love have changed so much as my feelings on relationships has changed.

No longer am I okay with just allowing my feelings to lead me. It takes more than love to birth a relationship. A real relationship. One where it will last a lifetime. I don’t just fall head over heels and not look back. It is, a friend of mine said disgustingly, I look at relationships like a business deal. At times it is necessary to suck the emotion out of it and decide how do I truly feel about column A and column B. Does he meet my have to haves and my like to haves or is he mostly like to have and can live with?

Here’s my list (of sorts) -

a man that WANTS to be with me and isn’t just looking for something better to come along

a man who loves his family and puts them first in his life in all decisions

a man who is responsible, ambitious and likes to work/wants to work

a man who loves pets (and isn’t going to bitch about my cats) and doesn’t just own a pet for looks or status

a man who is willing to be completely and utter vulnerable and tell me how he truly feels even when I am so angry he is afraid I might walk away

a man who is respectful of my thoughts and my feelings

a man who not only wants to know, but asks how I feel and think

a man who is leads an active lifestyle and desires to be healthy

a man who is able to enjoy the finer things in life like vacations and dessert

a man who isn’t afraid of a woman who speaks her mind

a man who has a life and is okay with a woman not wanting to he with him all the time - ie: his time, my time and our time

AND THAT IS WHAT I WANT.

Which is why I am so scared to utter those words.

The L word.

I don’t ever want to say those words to more than one more man in my life. Ever again. I want this time to be the last. So I better make it worth it. I better make sure this is it. This is the real thing.

And does anyone know how to tell if it’s real?

He meets all the criteria. And shit, I wasn’t even looking. It wasn’t supposed to happen this fast and without my knowledge. It just kind of snuck up on me.

What’s incredibly funny is the more vulnerable I feel the more signs I see that I can use to make this go away. Remember funny guy? He called me yesterday. He was just “checking in to say hi”.  Thing is - he is epitome of the kind of relationship I don’t want or rather he would be like going back to my ex-husband. He is bad for me in every sense of the word. Or I could pick a fight. It is so easy. I remember how to do it. Hell, I did it for a year or so with my ex. It doesn’t make it better that he did it with me. It’s so simple. And then let it play itself out.

But that was the old me.

The new me, doesn’t pick a fight, doesn’t call funny guy back. The new me embraces my scared and talks to Raindrop. Tells him I feeling scared. That this is all kinds of crazy. And he listens and he comforts me.

The new me, opens up about feeling less important when he chooses work over me. Which he in turns takes time off to spend the day with me.

The new me gets in the car and lays next to him when I am feeling like I haven’t been able to see him recently. Instead of calling and being a whiny girl. He in turn holds up the covers and then pulls me into his embrace.

The new me tries to remember how I hurt my ex and how he hurt me. The new me remembers that anger and frustration aren’t the ticket to making things work. The new me allows myself to be vulnerable to hurt because it is healthy.

The new me remembers the kind of relationship I don’t want and realizes that even though this is strange and new, it feels good and that is what matters.

When and if this is really love, well I guess I’ll know. And if he doesn’t love me back, oh well, at least I was able to fall in love with a man who, for however long a time, enjoyed being with me and I felt cared for too.

It is absolutely amazing what I can get done when I get up and get moving in the morning. This morning I was waiting for my alarm to go off. I was actually laying in bed enjoying the peace and quiet; the slight darkness; the fact that my morning had not yet begun.

I even pushed the snooze button once.

Then I leaped out of bed, threw on some sweats and headed out the door.

I drove straight to the grocery store.

I had been planning on going last night. Actually I had been planning to go for the past week. Every day. But of course, last night was the last night I really needed to go. Running out of all the essentials. And it turned out to be pouring when I left work.

Nope. Not tonight.

Again.

Then I had an epiphany while laying there in bed this morning. Another thing about thinking before the alarm goes off. I have amazing ideas. Earth shattering, save the world ideas. Everything seems possible at that moment.

Saving the world later, I decided to make a gorgoeous dinner.  Reminisce of my mother.

Holy crap.

I know.

Last thing I cooked - I burned pancakes.

I got out my crock pot and threw a roast in it, poured cream of mushroom over it and voila! Done.

Until I get home, pull out the roast, add rice to juices and serve with corn.

My mouth is already watering with the knowledge of the smell I will come home to tonight.

It is the smell I remember from my childhood. The smell of a wonderful warm meal courtesy of my mother.  The woman is a genius of cooking (and other masters I have yet to master). But it is one thing I remember was a constant in my life growing up

The smell that would hit me on the way in the door after school. The smell of incredible food. Mouth watering food. It just filled our house til it was thick with aromas. And it would last for days.

One thing I can’t wait to pass on to my own family someday.

I’m freaking out about spending way too much money on gifts this year. I decided (actually it was mom’s idea) to make fudge and give that away at work for gifts instead. He wants me to come over, but I tell him I have to bake for work. He offers to come over and bake his pumpkin bread so I will have something else to put with the fudge - after working a 10 hour shift.

Exhibit B:

I go to Bed Bath and Beyond, the day before Christmas Eve and they (of course) do not have the gift I need. I do not have a back up plan for this person (why did I wait so long?). This is THE gift. He immediately gets on the phone and finds it at the one an hour away. I tell him I will have to go get it tomorrow because I work. He offers to go pick it up. I tell him thanks, but I can get it tomorrow. He says, wait, he has to work his 2nd job and it is on the way, so he’ll get it on the way. Okay, that’s reasonable. Thanks. Two hours later he shows up at work - with the gift. He just didn’t feel like going home yet. So he went and picked it up for me.

Exhibit C:

He braves a dinner party with my work friends and their spouses/dates. Last minute the boss offers to carpool so we can all drink. He carpools with us, but only one of the spouses shows and that is because he lives in the house we are partying at. Plus, there are five kids under age of 10 running amok. Really loud kids. (lol) He has also been up since 1130 the night before because he was at work. He ends up not liking any of the food (it’s a bit fru fru). I hear nary a word, instead he smiles and makes conversation, til we are about to leave. He requests some fast food and a bed.

Exhibit D:

He doesn’t give me crap about my cats, but rather offers to feed them and clean out the litter box while I’m getting ready for work.

Exhibit E:

I tell him, For whatever it’s worth and for however long this lasts, I want him to know he’s truly a wonderful person. He gets really embarrassed and says, You’re pretty cool too.

Exhibit F:

He doesn’t expect anything from me. He doesn’t change his mind or change the meaning of his words every two seconds so I don’t know what’s going on. He doesn’t continually try to make decisions without me and keep me guessing.

Exhibit G:

He goes with me to pick up a coffee table, tv stand and look at a couch I am interested in. I only buy the tv stand. Again, after working an 11 hour shift, he sits and puts together the tv stand while we talk and laugh.

Exhibit H:

When moving into my apartment, my dad tells me afterward - the guy was always the first one down the stairs to get the next item (I live on the 3rd floor) and always went for the heaviest items/side of furniture. (this is a high praise from my dad)

note: for the first time ever, I may have finally met a man who works as hard as my father and who cares about his family as much (ie: he puts others first)

(honestly, I was beginning to believe this was a myth)

oh and did I mention, he is incredibly sexy? oh, i didn’t? well, he looks a bit like Russell Crow in Gladiator. and yes, he has the physic to back it up.

oh my.

One of the perks of being a manager at my new job is that every manager gets a free meal each shift from the local restaurant. And let me tell you, this is not any typical restaurant. It’s a top notch, nice restaurant. The food not only tastes wonderful, but smells incredible. They offer all sorts of goodies like fish tacos, shrimp salads, steak quesadillas, bbq pulled pork sandwiches. Oh man is this food good.

Currently, I am in training for my manager position and so I am “shadowing” another manager each shift. Which means we order our meals together and take our breaks together. This is good because I haven’t really had the pleasure of actually eating with someone where I can talk and have a friendly non-work conversation. It’s nice because I get to know the people I am working with, though I also don’t get to read my book for that time either.

I digress.

When we go to order our food, I do not have the menu memorized as all the other managers do - they have been there for quite some time which is a huge statement for a company if you ask me. So not only do I want to know what the special is, but I want to look through the menu.  It’s also very cool to consult the local bar tender about what they prefer. In essence, I drive them a bit mad and yet I have a feeling they enjoy watching me devour the menu trying to decide. I think sometimes when you get comfortable you forget what it’s like to find something wildly new and exciting. So though I drive them nuts, I know they find it voyeuristic too.

I’ve been doing this with everything too.

I get a mailbox

I get email

I get keys

I get secret pass codes not only to the store, but the safe and other cool stuff

And I am sorry if this is just a job to people, but I have finally found my dream job and fucking love every second of it. For the first time in my life, it doesn’t feel like work.

I am just so stinking excited every day.

I’m guessing this is the kind of “energy” they feel I bring to the table.

I am sure there will come a day where I don’t always want to order off the menu, but for now, I’m gonna enjoy every bit of it. Especially the part where I take half my meal home with me. I would be surprised if I ever really had to go food shopping again.

We needed bags out at the registers and even though I knew the backroom guys would be back after lunch, I felt I could just take care of it. I went in back and seeing as there weren’t any shopping bags out on the shelf, I would have to find the box they were in and bring them down. Once I located the box up on the top shelf I set about getting a ladder.

In front of the shelves of boxes are these rolling shelves where we keep the clothes. They roll back and forth with about three feet in between when stationary.

I pushed the shelves back so I could maneuver the ladder in between. I placed it so that it was directly center to the box I needed leaving little to no room on the sides in hopes that I would be more set in my heels. I am a bit of a klutz, y’know.

I worked my way up the ladder, but as I got closer to the box I realized it was bigger than I first thought. Knowing I would have a tough time getting it down, I decided to open the box and toss down some bags. Kind of a quick fix. But the moment I opened the box the entire contents started to slide out onto my head. I was able to quickly push the bags back in the box and close the lids, but not enough to reafix the tape.

Here I am about six feet up a ladder, using all my force to keep a box from landsliding down on me and therefore taking me down the ladder with it. For about the longest five minutes of my life I stood there balancing myself and the product trying to figure out how to get out of this predicament when in walks one of the male managers.

He’s a gruff guy. The kind of guy that wants you to think he’s pushy and rude, but really he isn’t. Just an exterior thing.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“I was trying to get bags down, but failed miserably. I am now stuck up here because the box will take me down with it.”

“Okay, well try to slide the box down to me.”

He squeezes in next to the ladder. His face around my knees. I hoist the box down and he grabs it, then tells me to shimmy down the ladder. We are basically wedged in this small space next to each other. As I reach the bottom of the ladder and am face to face with him, he turns and looks directly at me, gets this big grin on his face and says -

Well, this is an HR moment.

And we both start cracking up laughing.

It has become the joke amongst us managers.

Met up with a couple of my girlfriends and some of their girlfriends and basically had a blast. A couple of drinks and hours of dancing amidst a sea of people. I dig that.

Well most of it anyway.

What drives me nuts is the guys who insist on grinding their cock against your ass. WTF? Do they really think that is sexy? Do they really think a girl is gonna go home with them because of it? Course I do suppose it’s happened once or twice. But hello, I am not going to meet my future husband in a bar, then again I suppose that isn’t what most drunk people are thinking about at 1am.

We have devised a nice little plan that seems to work, but last night was oh so efficient. Whenever one of us is having a guy grinding problem we raise our hands in the air which signals to us that they’ve had enough. We grab that particular girl’s hands and swing them through the middle of our group and to the other side. Completely away from the guy, cutting off any entry to our circle. It looks like a simple dance move. No harm no foul. But let me tell you some guys are so clueless.  Couple of them kept edging their way around continuously harassing and just being an ass. Finally we got fed up and decided to tell them to bugger off which I hate because it should be a fun and relaxing night, but the guys get pissed when you tell them no.

Gotta say I also left with a bad impression of one of my closest friends. We were all dancing in our circle and out of the corner of my eye I see her hand grab something. I turn and she is taking a full beer from some guy we had exited from the grinding earlier and raising it to her mouth. I grabbed it, sloshing it over the edge and looked directly at her screaming “Are you fucking nuts? NO!!” And then pushed the full beer back into the guys hand. He looked a bit confused then shrugged. Not two seconds later I had to grab the beer from her again. I had had enough. I am not a frickin parent, so I turned the guy around and pushed him away from us.  I mean does she know nothing? You never, ever take a drink from someone’s drink unless you know them really well, especially if out and about on the town. Does she know nothing about roofies? I mean, who does that? WHO. DOES. THAT.???

Other than that I had an absolutely fabulous time considering I didn’t want to go out in the first place as it was after working a closing shift. I was a bit tired.

Song of the night right here (skip to 1:34/3:08 if you can) couldn’t find the much better remix version we heard last night though but it’s still the song we were all singing as we left

Craziness.

I have officially quit smoking. I feel good about it. I am happier. Hopefully the hard part is behind me, but I think not. I have this nagging feeling most of the time like I have forgotten something and then I remember, oh yeah, I haven’t smoked today. So far, I haven’t cheated, but I also haven’t presented myself with any opportunity to deal with temptation. I have cut back a bit on my eating too. I am trying not to replace smoking with food. It’s a delicate balance.

Work has cut back people and hours even more. I think everyone is running on vapors. I honestly don’t know how we will do it during the holidays, but I am sure we just will. I get tired of all the hard work and rarely a bit of recognition. I realize we are struggling, but hello we are so short handed. I can’t do everything. Thankfully I am not alone in my thinking. My peers also feel this. So I tredge on with no end in sight, but thankful I have a job.

I am still looking and interviewing for a second job. It is a lot harder than I thought. But I am determined.

I am still moving into those gorgeous apartments. So far, I have cleaned out a room - my bedroom. I have given to charity three heaping bags of clothes and shoes. Sooner or later I will have to tackle the other room - the crafting room/library (which is also conveniently my only other room). I will have to designate which books to sell and which to keep. Inevitably I will hate this decision remembering later that I had tossed a book I would now like to read. And I have asked for my mother’s help to go through all the scrapbooking stuff I have. It’s an ungodly sight. I can’t wait to have space. To be able to spread out. To lay on my floor and not have to move furniture, only to barely squish into that four foot space. To be able to have people over and not sit on each other because of only having a love seat. To be able to have a craft room that isn’t also my living room, office and library. Ugh, the excitement never diminishes.

Raindrop and I are doing well. (raindrop is the nickname my aunt came up with because I picked him out of a rainstorm of men) We actually ventured out the other night and ate a real dinner at a place where we didn’t have to look up for ordering. We had a couple course meal and glasses of wine. I was worried that if we ever got out and had to make conversation we might not be able to, but man we are just an easy going pair. I like that so much. I was even able to ask a few questions about his ex which I have wanted to ask, but just wasn’t sure it was the right time. He took it so well. Our nights usually consist of grabbing or making food and then hanging out by the tv or pool just talking and whatever or we hit the local pub to watch sports and drink beer. There just isn’t any stress between the two of us. Whenever I feel the crazies coming out, I have learned to decide is it worth the conversation or will I get over it - either way he is a good listener. He gets it. And OMG he knows how to apologize. I have also noticed, when I am around him, my brain is quieter. If I am upset when I get there, he lets me vent and then it’s over. Usually I can stay upset for days, but I forget when I am with him. It just doesn’t seem so important anymore. Still no labels, no strings, nothing but just two people enjoying each others company. If it doesn’t last, I am completely content to know that for whatever time period - I have really enjoyed every minute. (wow reading that last statement I realize just how much I have changed in the last year)

My apartment complex finally fixed my shower pressure - ABOUT A MONTH BEFORE I MOVE OUT - how do ya’ like them apples? I can’t complain though, really. I mean I love that I get a really awesome hard pressure, hot shower every time I want. It beats the year and whatever I dealt with the drippy shower. When I filled out the papers saying I wasn’t staying, I skipped the part about reasons why I was leaving. The girl at the desk said I had to fill that out because there’s a drop down menu. (PUHLEASE, a drop down menu? GASP!) After filtering through all the rude comments that came to mind, I filled in “amenities and location” because I really didn’t care if they knew why I was leaving. I am pretty sure they knew whether they want to admit it or not.

I am not shy.

Or quiet.

Ahem

I find it amazing that not a day goes by that a mother tells me her kid is, “Holding on just fine” or “They don’t sit” or “She/He won’t fall” when I ask if their kid would mind sitting down in the shopping cart because we have kids fall out and smack their head on the tile floor so often.

Just two days ago, I was sent running to the first aid to get an ice pack for a little girl, maybe four, who had fallen out of the cart. When I got to her the bump on her forehead was massive and I felt so badly for her. We try to prevent that from happening by asking the children to sit down in the cart or use the seat belt when in front. We have to do it according to our corporation, but I like that we do that because it is for the safety of the children shopping there.

I usually approach the child and motion with my hand (up and down movements) and whisper “will you sit down for me sweetie? thank you.” The kids will usually start to sit down, but it’s the parent’s who stop them and react with attitude. Again this kind of reaction isn’t even 90% of the parent’s I interact with, but it still shocks me when the parents have no care for their kids safety or can’t comprehend that I am asking for their safety not to threaten their parenting skills. I get that people don’t like me telling them what to do, but wow is it that big of a deal if the kid is already in the process of sitting to just grit their teeth and allow the kid to be safe?

I realized tonight that I have retained one major thing from my marriage/divorce.

I don’t like confrontation. I shy away from speaking to people, people who are new in my life, about things that are important to me.

I hesitate bringing them up because I am afraid it will turn into an all out war like it did in my marriage. To no fault of my husband - alone - anyway. It was definitely both of us working against each other. But the fact that I would say something to him, that meant something to me and we would argue for days; it would be so hard to talk about even the stupid little stuff until that thing had blown over. Add to the fact that I always felt like my ex would say he would do something and then I would be disappointed when he didn’t. This happened so often that I know now, I will, without a doubt be disappointed.

I have created this stigma that if I don’t know how that person will react I automatically suck it in, bottle it up and try to ignore it. Occasionally I will let a bit leak out to test the waters, but realistically no one can read my mind so unless I follow it up and talk about it will never really get discussed.

I am also afraid of my anger. The anger that I had when I was marriage. It just erupted and I wouldn’t be able to control it. I would want to break things and yell at the top of my lungs. Even being aware of my anger, it hasn’t come close to that since I left, I still am scared it will rear it’s ugly head unannounced.

So instead of talking about it. I fester. It stews.

Then I over analyze. Which drives me insane as I will never truly know what they think until I discuss it with them - not in my own head.

Example - I invited some friends over to my parent’s house for a BBQ. Only one of which has ever met and hung out with my parent’s before. For the other it would be a first time. Initially they accepted whole heartedly. Then throughout the week they joked about not coming over because of such and such to the point where I gave them an easy out. Instead of taking it, they reaffirmed that they wanted to come, but from the moment those whishy washy things were said I thought, they aren’t going to come. Preparing myself for their absence. When the day came all of a sudden their truck was having issues and they couldn’t come. I was miffed because just the night before they had gone out with friends knowing their issues with the vehicle existed. Now I had to tell my parent’s that this friend of mine who I am fond of and spend a lot of time with and want then to get to know, isn’t coming after they had already accepted and my parent’s bought the food.

I love it when my friends get to meet my parent’s because they are such a big part of my life. I enjoy being with them and I want them to know who I hang out with. I like the easy atmosphere of an open invite to their place, but there always has to be a first time meeting.

Now this friend has the stigma that they were a no show. Not a great impression.

Throughout the BBQ I stewed over this issue, so by the time it ended I wasn’t sure I even wanted to discuss it. I felt it would benefit myself if I just never spoke to them again. But my other friend, the one that attended, convinced me to talk to them and figure out what was going on; if it was warranted; to tell them that it was important to me.

I conceded, but hesitant.

When I spoke to the friend they were adamant that they wanted to go and had the vehicle been working they would have attended. It was an unforeseen issue.  I mentioned that if they wanted to attend they could have asked me to pick them up so they could make an appearance for an hour or so and they go back to working on their car. They said they had thought about that, but didn’t think it would look good to my parents. I understand all that. I then (gulp) expressed my disappointment in their not showing up mixed with the jokes and previous nights endeavors.

Basically they conversation went really well. And damn it if I didn’t forgive them.

I am going to have to figure out a way to quelch my fear of disappointment and expressing my true feelings when it really matters.

I have tried to so hard to learn how to pick my battles and only really speak up when it truly matter that now I realize I haven’t spoken up really at all in quite some time. I have been hoping against hope that all will just work itself out and in doing so I am not being fair to myself or others because then I am unhappy and they don’t know why.

Sheesh this whole relationship thing, friends and not friends, is so much work. Add to the fact that I have some baggage -

Crazy ass shit that has just been clogging up my brain for the past weeks and I don’t know what to do with it, so I am going to vomit all over the table and confess it all on my blog. (let me apologize to my dad in advance because the first thing he will say is i’m airing my dirty laundry for the whole world) I don’t care. I just have to get it off my chest and then roll with it all. Maybe I might actually get some advice that I can use here too.

Have you ever wanted something and then once you got it you realized it really isn’t what you wanted, but rather it was what you already had right in front of your face that you were completely missing? This is a long and complicated story, so here goes nothing.

In May I met this guy, now let me preface this word “meet” with the fact that we have known each other for a bit on the very soft acquaintances side. We know of each other and we have talked and that is about it. I felt he was a good guy. He was ending a long relationship which he talked to me about and so we kind of understood each other. Also, he was someone I thought would be fun to hang out with and I get along with. He asked me to catch a baseball game and I accepted.

My goal, at the time, was to build up relationships to include new friends - male or female - whatever was going to build friendships. I was ready to get out and have a good time; meet new people and try new things.

Needless to say I had a fabulous time with this guy and his friends. We talked, drank beer and basically just lived up the nice cool ballpark atmosphere. That was it. We then proceed to get together occasionally to grab a beer - with and without other people.

We agreed after much consultation to a very, very casual relationship. He was just getting out of a serious relationship and I didn’t want anything serious, just something to take the edge off being lonely. There was to be no strings, no complications and no talking about the whole thing. It is what it is. At any time one of us could opt out of it. We even agreed that if we wanted to date other people we could, but I knew deep down I didn’t date other people. I never had. I never would be one of those women who brought more than one man in my life at a time. I just wasn’t like that no matter how casual the thing was.

FACT - I was definitely attracted to this guy from the beginning. He is incredibly sexy, but isn’t that the kind of guy I should have a casual relationship with? Why would I choose someone I am not attracted to?

FACT - I didn’t want or need a relationship. Relationships complicate things. People do this all the time. Why couldn’t I?

FACT - I knew when I walked into this with eyes open that I have never had a casual relationship before. I was slightly concerned, but did it anyway.

I will admit I deeply envy the women who can date more than one man at once (sleep with more than one man) because these women can cross the normal boundaries that I cannot. (I choose not) This does not make it wrong, hell I have a close friend right now who for awhile was a different man every night. I thought it was exciting and scary at the same time. Heaven forbid she run into one of them. What do you say? But she wasn’t concerned no matter how many times I expressed my angst. More power to her.

Over the past couple of months, I have been really going out and having a blast. Feels like my time I should have had in my 20s. A weekend rarely went by that we didn’t close the bars. Hangovers be damned, it was fun. And I have gained so many different types of friends it made it rare and special.

Time was flying by.

All of a sudden I find myself in the midst of a male situation.

There is a guy (we’ll call him Funny Guy) that I was friends with who was part of a collective group of drinking friends. He kissed another of my friends which immediately makes him off limits even if nothing came of it. One night when it ended up being just the two of us he confessed to wanting to kiss me. Thank god he asked me, because I could say no. Had Funny Guy just kissed me I might have very well kissed him back.  I am currently in the process of avoiding his calls and texts which I find juvenile and repugnant, but I’ve already told him no and I don’t know what else to say except bringing on the tough love. Because we have mutual friends, I am guaranteed to run into him eventually though. For now, the whole uncomfortable situation is on the back burner, but in my mind it is already a closed discussion.

In the background of all of this, is still this guy that I have been “spending time with” and having a non-committal casual thing (we’ll call him Casual Guy). Not a relationship mind you, at least not in my mind. We weren’t even getting together on a regular basis. It was that casual. It was whenever the moment strikes us. And no, I wasn’t just kissing this guy. It was thrilling and rejuvenating. It was a secret. So when people asked me, I said no I wasn’t dating anyone; there wasn’t anyone important in my life because to me it wasn’t a relationship. But deep down inside I know me and I knew it was inevitable it would have to rise to the surface somehow, sometime.

Add to all of this, there was this guy from the past that when we were hanging out before I knew we both had some basic feelings for each other (Past Guy). It was obvious, but nothing ever came of it and we drifted apart. Oh and ps - he snubbed me a bit. Just a bit ago, or so, Past Guy resurfaced and I immediately felt those feelings rise to the surface that I had before. I agreed to hang out with him. We saw a movie, we had dinner. We had a great time the couple of times we hung out together. I liked him, but to what extent I didn’t know nor was I really considering it. It could have potential, but I am not sure.

I am a woman who can be attracted to a guy til I kiss him, even then I might need some time to process, but I usually know within 24 hours after kissing whether it is a possibility for me. Something was missing. I knew it.

After processing this, I figured out what - Casual Guy.

When I was thinking about Past Guy, I knew that I would have to break things off with casual guy in order to have anything with Past Guy. And I knew immediately -

I have developed feelings for Casual Guy.

I don’t want to let Casual Guy go. The thing about casual guy is he has this incredible subtle way of showing he cares, so much so that if I don’t pay attention I will miss it.  For example, we were meeting up for drinks one evening and as I walked in he said, “I picked this place because I love the wine here, but I didn’t know if you liked wine so I made sure they had the beer I know you like.” I mean hello, how sweet is that? For one, he remembered what I liked and two, he considered my feelings. He does this kind of thing all the time. He will put my leftovers in the fridge after dinner so they stay cold til I leave. He just pays attention. He listens. When I start to lose it and I come out and tell him something that bothers me, he comes back like ten minutes later and simply addresses it. He doesn’t ignore me or make a big deal about it. He just gets it. Dag nubit, if he hasn’t slowly wormed his way into my heart. The thing that gets me, though is that when I leave him I have these butterflies and tingles. I am excited when I see him. I almost feel giddy. (this is where my dad thinks I put too much stock in feelings) It isn’t that I see potential with Casual Guy, quite honestly I don’t know how he feels about me and honestly I don’t really want to know. I like the way it is all unanswered and unconditional. I like that we don’t have to have the “let’s label this thing” conversation. It is very not like me at all. I am always so quick to want to know what is going on and how to label it just to make myself feel better. I like the mystery of it all. I also like that we don’t do anything special. It is all really down to earth simple stuff, like watching tv, going to the driving range, kicking back at the pool. I like that I just enjoy being with him and I like that he seems content with me too.

I am now in a predicament. I don’t lie to people. Ever. I am learning, however, to filter what is and is not necessary to add to the situation. (if you ask me this is lying, but apparently it’s not the world wide opinion)

What do I do?

Do I continue to see both guys without their knowledge?

This means

• I will have to break this non talking thing and voice my feelings with Casual Guy (or do I?)
• I will have to come to terms with this whole, not telling the whole truth
• I would be entering new territory for me, dating two guys at once

Or do I end it before it starts with Past Guy because I know I have feelings for Casual Guy?

This means -

• I won’t have to lie
• I won’t have to date more than one guy
• I may be able to salvage my friendship with Past Guy (in theory)
• But I may be giving up something that could have potential given more time

Or I could just suck it up and break the news to Past Guy that there has in fact been a not so important guy in my life that I realized I had feelings for when he came in the picture.  But I don’t want to hurt Past Guy or quite frankly own up to the fact that I should have probably mentioned this before we kissed.

I’m stumped. But I gotta say, this is not a bad predicament to be in.

Should I have called this post, it’s raining men?