eRamblings

Love is a funny thing.

Just when I thought I would feel like shit forever. Just when I thought I would never love again. Just when I thought all relationships were bound to be filled with hurt and anger. Just when I had lost the belief that there really truly is a thing called love -

I have fallen.

And I am scared shitless.

Completely and utterly scared.

I am waiting for the shoe to drop. There has to be one right?

I couldn’t possibly have met a man that truly enjoys being with me - faults and craziness and all - could I?

And yet, I am starting to believe again.

And it scares me on a moment to moment basis.

I literally wake up hyperventilating.

This man, he says these wonderfully sweet things to me. When I am having issues or when I break down and show my vulnerability and completely open up to him he has the gall to say the nicest thing. He may not realize it. In fact, he probably has no idea that he does this, but he recognizes me. We actually have a conversation about how I am feeling. And, yes he is a man, so his comments are few and far between and I do occasionally have to ask him to elaborate, but BY GOLLY I think I may have one.

The myth.

A man who actually cares about me, my feelings and wants to be with me.

Are you as scared as I am?

Let me be honest here. The man is not perfect. Nope. He is not. He is real. He pushes my buttons. At least once a week he chooses work over me. He actually is a workaholic (grrr). He is annoyingly sexy which means women are constantly checking him out. He has this really fucked up sense of humor, that actually makes me gasp in shock daily. He absolutely loves horror flicks (which I refuse to watch). He gunks up the toothpaste bottle and doesn’t clean it up. Jeez, it does go on.

But still, -

So many moments it has been on the tip of my tongue and just a hair of a second before I utter those unfamiliar words, I suck it back in. Once it’s said, it cannot be taken back. And what if it isn’t real? What if I don’t love him?

I mean how do you truly define love?

I’ve said it to a few men in my life. Did I love them? Yes, I think so. In my naivety of life, I did love them at the time. But my thoughts on love have changed so much as my feelings on relationships has changed.

No longer am I okay with just allowing my feelings to lead me. It takes more than love to birth a relationship. A real relationship. One where it will last a lifetime. I don’t just fall head over heels and not look back. It is, a friend of mine said disgustingly, I look at relationships like a business deal. At times it is necessary to suck the emotion out of it and decide how do I truly feel about column A and column B. Does he meet my have to haves and my like to haves or is he mostly like to have and can live with?

Here’s my list (of sorts) -

a man that WANTS to be with me and isn’t just looking for something better to come along

a man who loves his family and puts them first in his life in all decisions

a man who is responsible, ambitious and likes to work/wants to work

a man who loves pets (and isn’t going to bitch about my cats) and doesn’t just own a pet for looks or status

a man who is willing to be completely and utter vulnerable and tell me how he truly feels even when I am so angry he is afraid I might walk away

a man who is respectful of my thoughts and my feelings

a man who not only wants to know, but asks how I feel and think

a man who is leads an active lifestyle and desires to be healthy

a man who is able to enjoy the finer things in life like vacations and dessert

a man who isn’t afraid of a woman who speaks her mind

a man who has a life and is okay with a woman not wanting to he with him all the time - ie: his time, my time and our time

AND THAT IS WHAT I WANT.

Which is why I am so scared to utter those words.

The L word.

I don’t ever want to say those words to more than one more man in my life. Ever again. I want this time to be the last. So I better make it worth it. I better make sure this is it. This is the real thing.

And does anyone know how to tell if it’s real?

He meets all the criteria. And shit, I wasn’t even looking. It wasn’t supposed to happen this fast and without my knowledge. It just kind of snuck up on me.

What’s incredibly funny is the more vulnerable I feel the more signs I see that I can use to make this go away. Remember funny guy? He called me yesterday. He was just “checking in to say hi”.  Thing is - he is epitome of the kind of relationship I don’t want or rather he would be like going back to my ex-husband. He is bad for me in every sense of the word. Or I could pick a fight. It is so easy. I remember how to do it. Hell, I did it for a year or so with my ex. It doesn’t make it better that he did it with me. It’s so simple. And then let it play itself out.

But that was the old me.

The new me, doesn’t pick a fight, doesn’t call funny guy back. The new me embraces my scared and talks to Raindrop. Tells him I feeling scared. That this is all kinds of crazy. And he listens and he comforts me.

The new me, opens up about feeling less important when he chooses work over me. Which he in turns takes time off to spend the day with me.

The new me gets in the car and lays next to him when I am feeling like I haven’t been able to see him recently. Instead of calling and being a whiny girl. He in turn holds up the covers and then pulls me into his embrace.

The new me tries to remember how I hurt my ex and how he hurt me. The new me remembers that anger and frustration aren’t the ticket to making things work. The new me allows myself to be vulnerable to hurt because it is healthy.

The new me remembers the kind of relationship I don’t want and realizes that even though this is strange and new, it feels good and that is what matters.

When and if this is really love, well I guess I’ll know. And if he doesn’t love me back, oh well, at least I was able to fall in love with a man who, for however long a time, enjoyed being with me and I felt cared for too.

One of the perks of being a manager at my new job is that every manager gets a free meal each shift from the local restaurant. And let me tell you, this is not any typical restaurant. It’s a top notch, nice restaurant. The food not only tastes wonderful, but smells incredible. They offer all sorts of goodies like fish tacos, shrimp salads, steak quesadillas, bbq pulled pork sandwiches. Oh man is this food good.

Currently, I am in training for my manager position and so I am “shadowing” another manager each shift. Which means we order our meals together and take our breaks together. This is good because I haven’t really had the pleasure of actually eating with someone where I can talk and have a friendly non-work conversation. It’s nice because I get to know the people I am working with, though I also don’t get to read my book for that time either.

I digress.

When we go to order our food, I do not have the menu memorized as all the other managers do - they have been there for quite some time which is a huge statement for a company if you ask me. So not only do I want to know what the special is, but I want to look through the menu.  It’s also very cool to consult the local bar tender about what they prefer. In essence, I drive them a bit mad and yet I have a feeling they enjoy watching me devour the menu trying to decide. I think sometimes when you get comfortable you forget what it’s like to find something wildly new and exciting. So though I drive them nuts, I know they find it voyeuristic too.

I’ve been doing this with everything too.

I get a mailbox

I get email

I get keys

I get secret pass codes not only to the store, but the safe and other cool stuff

And I am sorry if this is just a job to people, but I have finally found my dream job and fucking love every second of it. For the first time in my life, it doesn’t feel like work.

I am just so stinking excited every day.

I’m guessing this is the kind of “energy” they feel I bring to the table.

I am sure there will come a day where I don’t always want to order off the menu, but for now, I’m gonna enjoy every bit of it. Especially the part where I take half my meal home with me. I would be surprised if I ever really had to go food shopping again.

MOM boxes = morning of moving boxes

This is where my mother tells me every day, twice a day, to make sure I pack my morning of box so that I know where to find the coffee machine and all my other necessities.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Izabel is scared. I can see it. She runs to me about every ten minutes and gives me kisses (where she reaches up and touches her nose to my mouth, smelling my breath) and then stands there not knowing what to do with herself. She eventually retreats back to her one spot on the bed.  But I can tell she doesn’t know what to do or where to go. Tuesday, on the other hand, is psychotically making circles round the apartment. She runs at top speed knocking stuff over and hitting the walls meowing as she goes. Not sure if it’s nerves or just thrilled to have some space to run.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I am literally shoulder deep in boxes. In the past two days I have packed up my kitchen, living room, office and dining room. Just finished the bathroom, minus the shower curtain and towels. Tonight I will be breaking down the closet and drawers while washing the sheets. And tomorrow I have the morning to finish it all.

Holy crap I don’t know how I’ll be ready.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I’ve reached the point where I am ready to just start throwing crap in boxes. There is all this random stuff left and I am not sure how to organize it. The annoyed what the hell do I do with non-organized stuff usually throws it out, but I think tossing it in a box and writing misc on it should be good enough for now.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It’s the morning of and I was driving home this morning to make coffee and realized that though I remembered to not pack the coffee machine, I packed every single one of my coffee mugs. (refer back to beginning of this post - mom boxes). I pulled into the nearest gas station and grabbed some coffee and donuts. As I was pouring in cream and sugar I noticed they have flavors, so I treated myself to raspberry flavor shots in my coffee. I gotta say I may be investing in flavor bottles just to spice up my decaf coffee. I can’t seem to find the Ghiradelli chocolate coffee I love so much. I have settled on Dunkin Donuts, but it isn’t flavored with chocolate or anything. I didn’t like the idea of buying flavors to pour in my coffee simply because I am spending more money, but it is nice to have the taste.

So here I am sitting in front of my desk, crunching the box underneath me, drinking my coffee and eating my donuts. Outside of the music I am playing it is very peaceful. I am relishing this because I know in about four hours my dad will be coming over to oversee the process.  When he wants something done he is a commander. That’s why I like it. Things get done, but once he gets here there will be no silence until the move is over. Again, why I like it. But for just a little while I am going to breathe. Sitting here drinking my coffee - the donuts are gone.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Song of the day - here. (#4)

Dear dear shoppers I have been in retail for over a decade and thought I throw out a few pieces of things that I have come across that may affect the way you shop.

• If you are mean you will not get help. In fact it will only make my personality come out like I do not care. Because if you are mean, I do not care
• If you are nice, I will do everything in my power to help you
• If you approach me with the statement I realize you don’t do this, but - IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN. If you’ve ever worked in retail you are so aware of all the people who think they are the exception to the rule and you know that this is one of the things at the top of the list of things you will not do.
•  I cannot get the CEO on the phone. I am just one of the little people and will gladly take suggestions, but YELLING at me is kind of pointless. FILL OUT A COMMENT CARD it will go straight to corporate.
• Telling me “I can’t believe you don’t know where such and such is” even though we have a billion products is completely unrealistic.
• Telling me “I can’t believe you don’t carry such and such” is stupid because if you truly wanted to go to a store that has everything on the planet try searching google.
• Knocking on the door before or after we open will not get me to open for you. We have posted hours - use them.
• If you don’t have a receipt we do not know how you paid, how much you paid or when you paid and though you are all honest people out there (snort) I cannot take your word and give you cash back or put it back on the card you supposedly paid with.
• All food is charged back whether you just carried it around in your cart for an hour (imagine a gallon of milk) or brought it back because it is the wrong size, color, weight, etc. No we cannot donate it because there are weird mother f*&%$s who do creepy things to food. Don’t put food in your cart unless you really, really want it.
• It is so incredibly helpful if you hand a cashier, guest service person or just simply a clerk working any unwanted items rather than shoving them on the closest shelf. Imagine you are at home, would you just shove whatever on any shelf? Would you want friends and family to shove odd ball items on your shelves?
• Do not yell at me when I offer to help you and you don’t need it because when you do and I don’t offer - well that’s gonna piss you off more.
• Register etiquette - it is a must in order to keep my job to ask if you want a credit card. Get over it. Say no politely and move on.
• If you spill something, or your kid spills something, tell someone because the next person that walks by will inevitable slip and sue and that’s just a big pain in the ass. Remember it could be you that walks into that spill.
• If a worker gives you really great service TELL SOMEONE or fill out of comment card. Good people are a bit hard to come by and we usually only get the negative comments.
• Do you really think I (or anyone else for that matter) is going to tell you, if and when a certain product will be going on sale or clearance? Yes I do know that and no I won’t be telling you. Sorry.  You do realize I could lose my job for that.
• I understand people who want to look at furniture, before buying and taking it home, to see if there are any scratches, but when you are buying a $50 piece and then ask me to open four or five different boxes - WAKE UP - it’s a $50 piece of furniture, what did you expect?
• Those of you who return dead plants that you killed; the planting soil, the pot and all - uhm, I don’t know what to say to you, but really? Returning a plant? Why don’t you just return the food you didn’t eat which spoiled in your fridge.
• I am all about price matching and helping our customers, but when you read a sign wrong, well, you read the sign wrong and just because you read the sign wrong does not mean you get that price. Get over it. I do it too. But you read it wrong. Plain and simple.
• My least favorite comment and when I want to punch someone is when they say something to the effect of, “Oh, you don’t have it. Well I am just going to go to such and such to get it. They have it” Fabulous. Go to such and such. I don’t care, but standing there telling me like some two year old is really annoying.

Oddly this easter became like a birthday, it lasted the entire week.

Last weekend I went shopping for my niece’s easter basket. I knew I would want to do something special for her and I thought it would be nice to do this for my parent’s (since they have been so busy), but also because I had spied a few really awesome kid toys that I knew she would love. I am definitely one of those people who prefers to give little gifty things rather than an entire basket of chocolate and candy. I know they can get that at school. I do not worry that the little toys will probably break by the end of the week because it is just for the holiday and she has way too many toys as it is. Needent make more. My parent’s threw in a couple things as well and viola a nice touch on a basket. (not to mention, my mom does a mean basket wrap with a bow and all)

Tuesday, I picked up my niece from school and we went to my parent’s house to dye eggs. Now I have tried quite a few egg dying kits and most of them do not work. Ticks me off to have to deal with a kid that is sad and pissed that the stickers don’t stick, the dye isn’t transformer blue or whatnot. This year I went with the traditional dye kit (well the deluxe edition) which has a cool metal spoon, about ten colors, five wraps, a package of stickers and a few of those paper egg stands.

This year I actually read the directions for the kit. Imagine what I could do if I actually did this with everything. I managed to boil the eggs while my niece read for 30 minutes (standard homework) so that when she was ready we were able to jump right in it. It was fun, easy and no major spills. I forget (how I have no idea) how easy going that little girl is. I also learned a valuable tip for the plastic wraps - keep the water that the eggs were boiled in, slide the plastic wrap over the egg, then using a spoon lower the egg into the hot water and roll the egg around until the wrap is completely suctioned to the egg. This was so much easier than last year, boiling a cup of water in the microwave for each egg wrap.

I also made deviled eggs while my niece played Wii with my dad.

Weeks ago I started looking up the easter egg hunt parks. I was prepared and shockingly enough I had the weekend before easter off, which is usually the time they have these events. But no, as luck would have it they planned these on the same weekend as Easter. Who does that? Really! So I adjusted my work schedule so that I could take my niece to the park before I went to work that day. Bit hectic, but so worth it.

When I woke up that morning, I was so surprised to see it pouring rain. Not just raining, but pouring. My first thought was damn it I exchanged a closing shift for this? Then after a shower and coffee I realized I could still make a day of it. I picked up my niece and we went to the movies. I took her to see Monsters VS Aliens and we stopped at a store to buy a drink and easter candy. If she couldn’t fill up on candy at a park hunt, then she was going to be able to do it at a movie. This is the movie to see! It was so funny and very cute. Very worth the money. Five stars in my book and my niece talked about it the entire ride.

When we got out of the movie, it was only dripping with rain. My niece suggested we drive by the park and see if they had it up and running. I was doubtful, but didn’t’ think it could hurt to look. When we got there it was in full production - despite the rain. We delved through the crowds, played all the wonderful old fashioned games (bean bag throw, egg on spoon relay, potato sack race). We ate hot dogs and listened to a religious easter puppet show (what’s easter without a little religion?). And just when I thought I would have to drag her away before the easter egg hunt just to make my work shift, they announced that it would be starting. She was so excited, she could hardly stand still. Auntie I see a couple of golden eggs right there. Auntie I don’t know if I should break the ribbon or go under it. Auntie I don’t have a basket.

I have learned that a plastic baggie works a million times better than a real easter basket for these kinds of things simply because the kids are running and shoving and dropping eggs as they go. The announcer had said that they had hid golden eggs that contained actually cash. She was on a mission. I lost her in the crowd of kids. I stayed where I was in hopes she would remember where she started and come back to me.  When I finally spotted her, her bag was not very full.

How did it go?

I couldn’t find the golden eggs.

She was a little disappointed, but I could see she had a blast. Afterward I hustled her out of there so I could get to work on time.

When it comes to Easter business this year, all I can say is, if you didn’t shop early you probably missed out. By Friday we were completely out of baskets and egg dying kits. By Sat noon we were completely out of plastic eggs and most of the candy. I could not believe how empty the shelves were. People were hustling in and out of the five aisles like it was the end of the world. At one point in the night, I could tell customers were just throwing stuff in their carts to have something easter like. Many parent’s were smart enough to work outside the easter specific and get regular boxed candy.

I loved all the comments -

Don’t you have any more plastic eggs?

I can’t find the Cadbury eggs?

I don’t see any baskets, do you have them somewhere else?

You would think you would have ordered more easter stuff.

I just put on my sad face and said, we’re all out. And then to myself, you think you would have shopped earlier.

None of it really bothered me. People were frustrated that there wasn’t enough product; that they hadn’t thought to shop in time; they had to work all week. I get it. I understand. But from a retail business view, we put out the holiday product at least a month in advance (xmas is at least three to four months earlier) and the holiday is around the same time every year. It isn’t like a week ago, someone announced Easter will be the following Sunday this year. Then again, I am a planner. I like to shop early. I like to know my stuff is done in advance. I don’t have to worry, I can relax and know I am ready.

It doesn’t mean I am better or perfect, it just means I got the better pick of stuff.

I currently have two metal lunchboxes. The traditional ones my mother’s mother used to carry to school with lunch inside. I love them both. They are cute and functional. Unfortunately I am looking for something that will hold my salad containers and other food that is not just a sandwich and chips.

I know exactly what I want, but where do I find it?

I am seriously my worst nightmare when it comes to customers. lol

I want a lunch bag that will hold multiple containers and will stay cold if I leave it in my car. It will need to have one large container, one medium and two small. It will also have to have some sort of frozen mechanism that will preferably go in a different pocket and will not touch my food. And is it too much to ask to have some kick ass design or color??

I cringe every night I make my lunch. It is so not eco-friendly. I use two plastic baggies, which I try to use for at least a couple of days, but I am concerned about the mayo that gets left in the bag and I am weird about cleaning them and having wetness on the bread. I use paper napkins, but again reuse them til I can’t stand it anymore. Quite frankly I see nothing wrong with bringing my lunch everyday. I save about $8 a day by eating from home and if I really want to go out, I want to go to dinner in a restaurant. I really don’t get that long of a lunch break anyhow, so by the time I pick out something, stand in line, buy the food, heat it (usually the case) - I’ve wasted half my break.

Here is what I have found so far -

Built NY Gourmet Getaway  (is it really 12″ tall?)

machine washable babe, how cool is that?

it recommends the plastic containers that fit in it nicely

Mimi the Sardine

not insulated, bummer

i like that it will hold my water bottle

concerned that my food will tumble about in the bag

Built NY Fugu

this one is a little smaller and I like that it hold the water bottle (what a pain to carry them seperate)

I don’t need this, but this is way too cool not to highlight

Acme Reusable Bags

fabulous that it has the reusable freezer pack

why does it have to be so boring? I mean would it kill them to have colors or designs?

Pottery Barn Bag

I think this one is about the same size as my current lunch box

Kids Conserve

This would be exactly what I want, but do they have an adult size? I usually take two snacks and a lunch because I am gone all day.

Lunch Date

I like this one too

Holy crap does that really say $114.00????

Very cool accessories for lunching

Now isn’t this interesting? Dishwasher safe is so cool! I do like the metal one I have now, but it’s inconvient when I have anything, but sandwiches. On the other hand this one doesn’t look like it works for sandwiches. I do love the $20 price tag too. But I would totally want the cool carrier bag to coordinate (another $20). Here we go, for $50 I can have the metal lunch box, the carrier bag, matching utensils all in the three tiered combo.

And just to boot - I found this fun water bottle that I can clip to my new lunch box.

What’s so funny about all this - the last one I like the best, but it doesn’t have any kind of insulation or freezer thingy to keep it cold.

What do you use?

Today I got to work around 7am which is great because I was the only one in on my team. This meant I would have an entire hour all to myself. I could actually go in and get my hands dirty and fix up my area. It seems like I am always too busy to really get in and make it look good and the only way I look good is if my work area looks good. Catch my drift?

Unfortunately the truck with frozen foods came in early. About twenty minutes in I got called back to help stock frozen foods. I tried to opt out, but they knew I was there. (snicker) We usually do this after the store has opened. With the crowd of employees that get there at the time, it doesn’t take but fifteen mintues.

After we finished stocking the frozen foods the boss of the grocery area (we’ll call him E) asked me to help him put all the back stock in the freezer. Sure, I have not seen what goes on behind the grocery scene.

And there is a good reason for that.

I have seen way too many movies to know that freezers do nothing good but keep food cold. Oh yeah and people get locked in and die.

I wouldn’t go all the way in the freezer. I tried to be as helpful as possible from the outside, but it just wasn’t cutting it. My ego wouldn’t let me just get by so I had to suck it up and help carry boxes in the freezer. At one point I was carrying food inside and turned around to see the door closing - and E was on the outside. I immediately stopped what I was doing and did this incredible acrobatic move to put my foot in the way of the door closing completely. Unfortunately, I got caught. I think I made a helpless cry sound too. (i couldn’t be too sure since i was more concerned with stopping the door)

E saw me do this. And laughed.

He asked if I was afraid of locking myself in the freezer.

Uhm, yeah. Just a little.

He said there was a lever that opens it from the inside out.

Uhm, great, but don’t really care. I realize he does this all the time and that he barely thinks twice about the door and never coming back out alive.

Either way I didn’t want to be alone in that freezer. I mean honestly I am not the brightest bulb all the time and god knows I don’t need any help getting stuck in a freezer. I am just klutzy like that. I have learned I can usually prevent quite a bit of trouble by not putting myself in situations like that. Y’know?

He walked me into the freezer and then shut the door. Immediately I could feel my heart beat accelerate (and it isn’t because he is incredibly hot) and I started sweating. I couldn’t hear a word he was saying.

He looked at me, “Are you okay?”

Uh, yeah I am fine. Can we get out of here?

You can get out . . . if you open the door.

Crap. He wasn’t going to let me off that easy. And the fucker was enjoying this too.

So I asked him to show me again how to open the door and then I did it myself. No triumph there. I wasn’t feeling the vibe. Usually I am ecstatic about learning new stuff. I just dig it, but the freezer knowledge I could live without. I mean I work in the clothing department. How often do I get clothes out of the freezer?

I don’t consider myself claustrophobic, but it seems like I do get a little freaked out in places where I know getting out could be problematic. Like a freezer door, that is sound proof with no phone or connection to the outside world for a long, long time. No one would know I was in there. No one.

At least not until the next freezer delivery came - next Friday.

Okay this song has been playing in my head for the past 24 hours. This song would portray my feelings about my husband, but in reverse. The part where she sings, though I try to hide it/it’s clear/my world crumbles when you are not near is not quite right. It is more of I try to hide it/it’s clear/my walls crumble when you are near.

I haven’t talked to or really seen my husband for over a month. In the beginning I really missed hearing his voice all the time, but after awhile it fades. I feel stronger. I don’t feel like I am missing something. Then I called to tell him I was picking up a few of my boxes the next day. I felt strong still. Then the moment I saw him my world came crumbling down. Or my walls came crumbling down.

God, I love this man.

How is it possible to love someone so much that I can feel it in every little, tiny part of my body?

I had the opportunity to be with someone while we were not talking and to be completely honest, I told my husband awhile back I was moving on and he should too. Which is code for see other people. But when it came down to it, I couldn’t. My heart just wasn’t in it. Everytime I looked at another man, thought about another man, all I could feel was my husband’s hands on me, his breath on my face, his lips on mine, his laughter, his comfort, all of him. I don’t even have to try to imagine it, just close my eyes and I can feel him.

I have realized so much about myself and my marriage in the past six months that I feel like a better person for all of it happening. Hell, it took all this to find my own personal happiness. That was worth it enough.

I realized that when we moved in we both had our own idea of marriage and how we were going to be together only we didn’t talk to each other about it. We just did it. And we clashed. I pushed to fit him into my perfect picture. He ran like hell (he’s not a fighter). And at first, it was hard - a few fights here and there. After a while we became unhappy, later hurt, later we took everything personally, and even later than that we were so hurt we just resented each other. But the love we have for one another is so great that we couldn’t bring ourselves to say goodbye.

We tried. We went to marriage counseling, then we started going to therapy by ourselves while living together, but our issues were too deep; our wounds too fresh. It took a full hour of counseling to bring us back to common ground and less than seconds to tear it down. We would have had to live with our counselor. Poor guy.

One day I moved out. For both our sakes. I just wanted to be happy again. I had forgotten what it was like. I spent most days worried we would fight. And every car ride home I dreaded walking in the door because I knew it would be hell, maybe not right away, but eventually we would fight about something. Kind of like an abused person, you wait for it and it is better to just push it so you won’t have to think about it anymore. Just get it over with. And let me clarify here - my husband would never lay a hand on me, ever.

But emotionally we were slowly killing each other.

Since I moved out, I have found happiness in myself. I have realized that no man will ever make me happy. Only I can do that. I remembered what I love to do just for me. And with the help of that therapist I have learned to get rid of my anxieties and live a healthy life. (YEAH!) But with all that, I have also have nothing but time to think about my marriage, my husband and all the stuff we went through. I want to think about it because I am determined to learn from it. I don’t want to make that same mistake again and I think I have sufficient evidence and material to spot the signs before they unfold.

Over all our unhappiness and resentment, I had forgotten why I fell in love with him. He is this wonderfully, carefree man who makes me laugh and stop and smell the roses - literally, I am too busy talking or whatnot, he stops me, points them out and says, smell them; enjoy them; breathe woman. He is a master fixer. He can make a job out of anything. He is just brilliant. He has the oddest outlook on life, it is so different from mine I can’t help but be transfixed by it. He has the kindest soul and he is a loving, (maybe sometimes too busy) very loving father. He is handsome, oh so sexy and he makes me knees feel weak and gives me butterflies in my stomach. When I have his full attention (and no, this doesn’t happen as often as I want) I feel like I am the entire world and there is no one else but the two of us.

He also has this vulnerableness that I want to wrap up and take care of - this is his cryptonite. This is where he won’t let me in. Anyone in, really. He is afraid because of all the hurt I have caused him (and other people have caused him as well). He is afraid we will end up back where we were two years ago.

For being the one in the relationship with all the fears, I am surprisingly without fear. Honestly, I have NOT ONE BIT of fear that we will not work out. Maybe it is because I know that even if we delve back in and don’t make it, I know that my heart will heal itself and we will both be okay. And the worst that can happen is that we can get back together and live happily ever after.

I love him. I want to be with him. I am willing to jump off that bridge with him and take a change on us again. I wish he was too. But I have learned that I can not (nor do I want to) control him or his feelings. I will not push him. I will be patient and give him the time he needs to find out if he is willing to risk it all for me too. But in the meantime I am going to live my life. I am not going to wait around for him and pine by the phone or my apartment waiting for him to show up - I will continue to be happy just being me.

And maybe, just maybe he will wake up one day and realize there is nothing to be scared of.

And if he doesn’t then I haven’t lost anything either.

How does ONE little tiny piece of spaghetti noodle get in with the entire box of fettichini?

Why are my Sketchers way more comfortable than my jogging shoes which are SUPPOSEDLY made for support?

Why do I ALWAYS get stuck behind the one person on the planet who fucking feels the need to drive LESS than the speed limit???

Does the light in my fridge REALLY go off when I close the door?

What exactly are my cats thinking when I wake up and they are nose to nose with me, but not trying to wake me up or make noise?

Why are people so THREATENED when you ask them if you can help them find something?

Why do people feel the need to complain that the store they stopped in doesn’t have what they are looking for?

OH, And why do people feel the need to be assholes when you DON’T KNOW where else they can shop for that particular product?

Is it sanitary to leave my yogurt out of the fridge from the time I leave home til the time I eat lunch, ’cause that is what I have been doing the past week or so? (oh and I will let you know if it is okay to eat pasta that I left out the entire night before ’cause that is what I ate for dinner tonight)

Did you know that you should check the expiration dates on food products WHEN YOU BUY THEM?

Why do ALL MEN think I want them simply because I am nice? Is this some sort of seminar that girls don’t get?

Why do people assume you are a complete freak if you actually like your job?

When does LIFE SATISFACTION come around - when you have babies or what?

What is up with ACRONYMS, do people really think these make life easier or just plain difficult?

How am I supposed to enjoy a nice HOT BATHTUB for at least 45 minutes when the moment I turn off the water half the water drains out?

It was the most perfect night for a ballgame. The breeze was blowing. Nice and cool. The stdadium was loud with cheering and announcing. The fans wre all out, but relazed. And two rival teams hit the field.

“Peanuts $2!!”

Dad: You wanna get some peanuts?

Me: No. We don’t need any, do we?

Later sitting in the stands my dad asks me if I want anything. Oh, yeah I would love some ice cream. A $3.50 drumstick that sells for 69¢  would be great right now. You?

Dad: No I am good.

Later, do you want something?

Me: No. Are you geting something?

Dad: Yes. Bourbon.

Me: Ick. Hey, let’s get some peanuts.

My dad turns and looks at me. That slow are fuckin’ shitting me look. He shakes his head and laughs.

$3.50 ice cream, $4 bourbon and $4.50 peanuts = a really good time

I love these times with my dad. We spend hours shooting the shit. Talking about business. Spouting off memories. Rehashing the good times of my youth - and his youth. He wisens me up with his incredible knowledge about everything. I make him laugh with my sarcasm.

I am one of those kids who likes to go to the zoo, the rodeo, the fair and all the other wonderful places that sell plain old crap food. The kind that sticks to your fingers and makes you burp. I could eat it all too. I don’t know what comes over me. I sit in a ballpark and all I can think about is the food passing me by - hot dogs, beer, peanuts, ice cream, cotton candy (although this is my least favorite). I go to the state fair and all I see are the neon light CORN DOG, FRIED ICE CREAM, CHEESE CURDLES. This food just rocks!!

Good times.  Good times.

These are the times I will remember when I am much older.

These are the times I hope to pass on to my children someday.

I hope to as good of a parent as my parents are to me.

Now after an incredible steak dinner at my parents and all the crap I could, eat I am going to go and chew on some Tums and pray for no heart burn or vomiting. That would totally spoil the evening.