eRamblings

Love is a funny thing.

Just when I thought I would feel like shit forever. Just when I thought I would never love again. Just when I thought all relationships were bound to be filled with hurt and anger. Just when I had lost the belief that there really truly is a thing called love -

I have fallen.

And I am scared shitless.

Completely and utterly scared.

I am waiting for the shoe to drop. There has to be one right?

I couldn’t possibly have met a man that truly enjoys being with me - faults and craziness and all - could I?

And yet, I am starting to believe again.

And it scares me on a moment to moment basis.

I literally wake up hyperventilating.

This man, he says these wonderfully sweet things to me. When I am having issues or when I break down and show my vulnerability and completely open up to him he has the gall to say the nicest thing. He may not realize it. In fact, he probably has no idea that he does this, but he recognizes me. We actually have a conversation about how I am feeling. And, yes he is a man, so his comments are few and far between and I do occasionally have to ask him to elaborate, but BY GOLLY I think I may have one.

The myth.

A man who actually cares about me, my feelings and wants to be with me.

Are you as scared as I am?

Let me be honest here. The man is not perfect. Nope. He is not. He is real. He pushes my buttons. At least once a week he chooses work over me. He actually is a workaholic (grrr). He is annoyingly sexy which means women are constantly checking him out. He has this really fucked up sense of humor, that actually makes me gasp in shock daily. He absolutely loves horror flicks (which I refuse to watch). He gunks up the toothpaste bottle and doesn’t clean it up. Jeez, it does go on.

But still, -

So many moments it has been on the tip of my tongue and just a hair of a second before I utter those unfamiliar words, I suck it back in. Once it’s said, it cannot be taken back. And what if it isn’t real? What if I don’t love him?

I mean how do you truly define love?

I’ve said it to a few men in my life. Did I love them? Yes, I think so. In my naivety of life, I did love them at the time. But my thoughts on love have changed so much as my feelings on relationships has changed.

No longer am I okay with just allowing my feelings to lead me. It takes more than love to birth a relationship. A real relationship. One where it will last a lifetime. I don’t just fall head over heels and not look back. It is, a friend of mine said disgustingly, I look at relationships like a business deal. At times it is necessary to suck the emotion out of it and decide how do I truly feel about column A and column B. Does he meet my have to haves and my like to haves or is he mostly like to have and can live with?

Here’s my list (of sorts) -

a man that WANTS to be with me and isn’t just looking for something better to come along

a man who loves his family and puts them first in his life in all decisions

a man who is responsible, ambitious and likes to work/wants to work

a man who loves pets (and isn’t going to bitch about my cats) and doesn’t just own a pet for looks or status

a man who is willing to be completely and utter vulnerable and tell me how he truly feels even when I am so angry he is afraid I might walk away

a man who is respectful of my thoughts and my feelings

a man who not only wants to know, but asks how I feel and think

a man who is leads an active lifestyle and desires to be healthy

a man who is able to enjoy the finer things in life like vacations and dessert

a man who isn’t afraid of a woman who speaks her mind

a man who has a life and is okay with a woman not wanting to he with him all the time - ie: his time, my time and our time

AND THAT IS WHAT I WANT.

Which is why I am so scared to utter those words.

The L word.

I don’t ever want to say those words to more than one more man in my life. Ever again. I want this time to be the last. So I better make it worth it. I better make sure this is it. This is the real thing.

And does anyone know how to tell if it’s real?

He meets all the criteria. And shit, I wasn’t even looking. It wasn’t supposed to happen this fast and without my knowledge. It just kind of snuck up on me.

What’s incredibly funny is the more vulnerable I feel the more signs I see that I can use to make this go away. Remember funny guy? He called me yesterday. He was just “checking in to say hi”.  Thing is - he is epitome of the kind of relationship I don’t want or rather he would be like going back to my ex-husband. He is bad for me in every sense of the word. Or I could pick a fight. It is so easy. I remember how to do it. Hell, I did it for a year or so with my ex. It doesn’t make it better that he did it with me. It’s so simple. And then let it play itself out.

But that was the old me.

The new me, doesn’t pick a fight, doesn’t call funny guy back. The new me embraces my scared and talks to Raindrop. Tells him I feeling scared. That this is all kinds of crazy. And he listens and he comforts me.

The new me, opens up about feeling less important when he chooses work over me. Which he in turns takes time off to spend the day with me.

The new me gets in the car and lays next to him when I am feeling like I haven’t been able to see him recently. Instead of calling and being a whiny girl. He in turn holds up the covers and then pulls me into his embrace.

The new me tries to remember how I hurt my ex and how he hurt me. The new me remembers that anger and frustration aren’t the ticket to making things work. The new me allows myself to be vulnerable to hurt because it is healthy.

The new me remembers the kind of relationship I don’t want and realizes that even though this is strange and new, it feels good and that is what matters.

When and if this is really love, well I guess I’ll know. And if he doesn’t love me back, oh well, at least I was able to fall in love with a man who, for however long a time, enjoyed being with me and I felt cared for too.

So today is day number two in I have quit smoking. Again.

Yes, I suck. I started back up. Again.

And I am quitting. Again.

Sigh

This is the worst habit ever!! Quitting is so hard.

I feel pretty good though, other than little to no appetite and can’t sleep worth a-shit. Hopefully those are just going to happen in the first couple of weeks.

I really don’t want to smoke anymore. That is why I quit last time.

I hate the smell.

I hate the way my allergies are horribly worse.

I hate that the guy I am dating doesn’t like it. (actually I kinda like that part simply because I know I won’t get sucked back into smoking) But then again, can you imagine licking an ashtray. Ew! Can’t be a pleasant experience.

I hate that it is so expensive - almost $8 a pack.

I hate that I hide it from the people I love.

I hate that it takes up so much of my time.

I hate that it makes my TMJ act up.

I hate that my overall health is so much worse.

I hate that I look like a lesser person in front of my niece’s 13 yr old eyes.

Yesterday, I was sitting at lunch looking at my food and thinking how am I going to fill 30 minutes?  Instead of doing anything, I just sat there looking out the windows - which is as close as I can be right now at lunch time to being outside. All these reasons why I liked smoking kept coming to mind -

Smoking is the one excuse to sit down for seven minutes

Smoking is the one thing I can do by myself and not look lonely or alone

Smoking is the one thing I can do and not look like I am waiting for some random weird conversation from a stranger

Smoking is the one thing I can do when I don’t know what to do

And what I realized was all of these things have in common - I don’t allow myself to truly relax and when I do, I don’t want to talk to people. I have to learn to just sit. To just not do anything, but breath and enjoy that I am not doing anything. I always feel like I have to be “doing”. Otherwise I have to be in the safety of my own home where I can be totally free to be a lazy ass.

Either that or the first quit smoking lunch break was a beginnings of psychosis.

mwaw mmmwa mmmmmwa

smoochy smooch

OMG I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!

I lost power in my bedroom, closet, kitchen and spare bedroom (where the computer lies) LAST TUESDAY!!!

WTF?!

The first time I call, I’m all, Hey, just calling to let you know I need someone to come take a look at my breakers. I was in the shower, no major appliances going and the lights flickered for about five minutes then all was well. Til I tried to turn on my closet light to see what to wear. Then I ran around to find out my power is out in bedroom, closet, kitchen and spare bedroom/office.

They asked me to flip the breaks myself.

No problem.

Nope that didn’t work.

Okay we’ll send someone up.

Thanks

I return the next day and there is a note lying there saying that all is well. YEAH!! I go about my business. Later in the afternoon, I go to clean out the litter boxes which are in the master closet (how good does that sound, master closet? ahem); flick the light . . . flick the light . . . flick the - wtf! Oh, the light still doesn’t work. So I run around the apartment and flip all the lights that I knew weren’t working before. WTF! I go read the note they left me. No, nothing about coming back to install something. Well, SOB!!

The second time I call, I had to leave a message, Hey just thought I would let you know that the lights are still not fixed. If you could send someone up to fix them that’d be great. Thanks!

Late that night I get home, there is another note on the counter. Yeah! All fixed.

I immediately go in to the closet - flick - ARE U FN KIDDING ME?!

Okay, it’s now officially Christmas Eve. Which means I will be out of power for the next day and most of the following morning til they get in and receive my 3RD MESSAGE. I take a deep breath and say, Hey, just wanted to let you know AGAIN that my electricity is still not working in any of the bedrooms. Please PLEASE send someone up again. Thanks.

Now I would never ask them to come out on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Unless it was an emergency and this really wasn’t one of those. Not a huge deal to be out power in the bedrooms, kitchen and closet. I can survive.

Til the next morning, I go to make coffee on Christmas Day and . . . mother trucker - I can’t make coffee. No power in kitchen.

NOW it’s an emergency.

But I refrain from calling and hoist my coffee machine in to the bathroom, where, yes I made coffee in the bathroom.

The day after Christmas I get a phone call asking to make sure it wasn’t an old message and my electricity still needed to be fixed?

UHM YES!!! PUHLEASE!!!

I get home from work and ironically, I had forgotten. Or maybe blessedly.

Nope still FN broken.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE. YOU. FN. KIDDING. ME?????

So I call and say, Okay now I am getting frustrated. This is ridiculous. This is my fourth message and I have been out of power for almost a week now. I’d really appreciate it if you could fix this. Please call me. Then I go out and set my alarm on my phone to call them the moment the office opens. Obviously there is a miscommunication that they do not understand what it means when I say the power is out in these rooms, but really all I can think is DID THEY EVEN FN FLIP THE FN SWITCHES????

When I finally get the office person on the phone (who by the way, I really like, she’s so nice) and explain what is going on, she immediately says she is sorry and will send the other maintenance guy up.

And like a true ass, I call back later to find out if in fact the lights are truly working before I even get off work because if they aren’t - there may in fact be bloodshed.

She assures me they are.

And when I get home -

they are.

So hey.

I missed you.

One of the greatest stories I have to personally tell is the Chex mix story.

It was myself and my two cats who were currently living with my parent’s. I had bought this ginormous bag of Chex mix for all of us to munch on through the season and poured it into this beautiful big bowl of my mother’s and left it on the coffee table. It was easy access for all of us. No matter what we were doing, I think one of us was always chewing on some mix.

One day I came into the family room and, lo and behold, a cat head was buried in the Chex mix. As I got closer I realized that Tuesday, wasn’t eating the Chex mix, just licking all the salt off the mix. So for months now, we had all been eating Chex mix minus the salt - thanks to Tuesday.

Now it has become a small past time moment for the Tues and I to sit and enjoy some Chex mix together. Though now she eats a few pieces rather than licking the salt off for someone else to eat.

It’s funny how my life is finally slipping onto the scary version of “content” and of course, what comes with it, but the fact that I don’t really have much to talk about.

I could keep saying that life is good, but seriously how bored can you get with that. Let’s start with the fun stuff - complaining about people who come annoy me in my retail job.

Here are a couple of really annoying people I ran into this week at work -

The woman who decided to return/exchange a can of peanuts because her niece decided to open the oxygen package and pour it all over the nuts. How that becomes the stores responsibility to replace these nuts is beyond me.

The gentleman who threw a holy hell fit because he brought back a shirt which needed to be returned on the same card it was purchased on or given a store credit. Thought 1: we do not keep any kind of record on file of credit card numbers and we ALL know why. Thought 2: if you don’t have the same method of payment for the return as the purchase, do you really think we will just give you cash?

I went and cut all my hair off about two weeks ago. It used to be down the middle of my back - purposefully because I was planning on doing all these cool braids and hairstyles, but alas I didn’t so one day I got tired of it all and cut it all off. As I had to state for my mother, no I in fact, did not do it, but rather my hairstylist.  It is really really short. Funny story, my hairstylist (hair cutter?) she took the back hairs and cut them off which made my insides scream. When I asked her if it was too late, she laughed. Holy crap and now here I am with really short hair.I went in with the picture of Sandra Bullock in Lake House, but came out a bit shorter due to the fact that my hair, in the last year or so has really curled. It reminds me a bit of the girl, Christy Wills in The Secret of my Success with Michael J Fox when I style it back. My dad says I look like, Beckett. Whomever I now look like, I am getting used to it and actually starting to really like it. I will tell you one thing about shorter hair, there is some serious morning hair. Holy crap, even a hat makes the morning hair look bad.

Speaking of The Secret of my Success. How come no one sells this anymore? It is a really awesome flick, but by god I’m not paying $15 for a movie that old. Ack! The other two movies of Michael J Fox I do own and watch all the time are For Love or Money and Doc Hollywood. Remember these? Some of my favs!

The people at work, the managers I work with have become my friends and not just associates. It’s funny because my last place they really looked down upon hanging out with people outside of work. Yet, these managers are wanting to be my friends and they invite me out to do stuff and I am in shock. After two years of every person telling me to avoid being friends with co-workers, now I have a job where they are encouraging it. So I’m having these adult get-togethers where I bring a hostess gift and a beau. I feel so grown up. Unlike the kind that require BYOB and a cab ride home.

I have seen a few advertisements about the McRib being back at McDonalds, but have yet to see it on any signs around my house. Only advertised in CA. WTF?

McDonalds - I would actually go to buy food at your restaurant if you give me the McRib!

Reminds me of the creamy Peanut Butter Snickers bar that I had right before my braces went on, but when they came off there wasn’t a PB Snickers to even begin to salivate over.

One of the perks of being a manager at my new job is that every manager gets a free meal each shift from the local restaurant. And let me tell you, this is not any typical restaurant. It’s a top notch, nice restaurant. The food not only tastes wonderful, but smells incredible. They offer all sorts of goodies like fish tacos, shrimp salads, steak quesadillas, bbq pulled pork sandwiches. Oh man is this food good.

Currently, I am in training for my manager position and so I am “shadowing” another manager each shift. Which means we order our meals together and take our breaks together. This is good because I haven’t really had the pleasure of actually eating with someone where I can talk and have a friendly non-work conversation. It’s nice because I get to know the people I am working with, though I also don’t get to read my book for that time either.

I digress.

When we go to order our food, I do not have the menu memorized as all the other managers do - they have been there for quite some time which is a huge statement for a company if you ask me. So not only do I want to know what the special is, but I want to look through the menu.  It’s also very cool to consult the local bar tender about what they prefer. In essence, I drive them a bit mad and yet I have a feeling they enjoy watching me devour the menu trying to decide. I think sometimes when you get comfortable you forget what it’s like to find something wildly new and exciting. So though I drive them nuts, I know they find it voyeuristic too.

I’ve been doing this with everything too.

I get a mailbox

I get email

I get keys

I get secret pass codes not only to the store, but the safe and other cool stuff

And I am sorry if this is just a job to people, but I have finally found my dream job and fucking love every second of it. For the first time in my life, it doesn’t feel like work.

I am just so stinking excited every day.

I’m guessing this is the kind of “energy” they feel I bring to the table.

I am sure there will come a day where I don’t always want to order off the menu, but for now, I’m gonna enjoy every bit of it. Especially the part where I take half my meal home with me. I would be surprised if I ever really had to go food shopping again.

We needed bags out at the registers and even though I knew the backroom guys would be back after lunch, I felt I could just take care of it. I went in back and seeing as there weren’t any shopping bags out on the shelf, I would have to find the box they were in and bring them down. Once I located the box up on the top shelf I set about getting a ladder.

In front of the shelves of boxes are these rolling shelves where we keep the clothes. They roll back and forth with about three feet in between when stationary.

I pushed the shelves back so I could maneuver the ladder in between. I placed it so that it was directly center to the box I needed leaving little to no room on the sides in hopes that I would be more set in my heels. I am a bit of a klutz, y’know.

I worked my way up the ladder, but as I got closer to the box I realized it was bigger than I first thought. Knowing I would have a tough time getting it down, I decided to open the box and toss down some bags. Kind of a quick fix. But the moment I opened the box the entire contents started to slide out onto my head. I was able to quickly push the bags back in the box and close the lids, but not enough to reafix the tape.

Here I am about six feet up a ladder, using all my force to keep a box from landsliding down on me and therefore taking me down the ladder with it. For about the longest five minutes of my life I stood there balancing myself and the product trying to figure out how to get out of this predicament when in walks one of the male managers.

He’s a gruff guy. The kind of guy that wants you to think he’s pushy and rude, but really he isn’t. Just an exterior thing.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“I was trying to get bags down, but failed miserably. I am now stuck up here because the box will take me down with it.”

“Okay, well try to slide the box down to me.”

He squeezes in next to the ladder. His face around my knees. I hoist the box down and he grabs it, then tells me to shimmy down the ladder. We are basically wedged in this small space next to each other. As I reach the bottom of the ladder and am face to face with him, he turns and looks directly at me, gets this big grin on his face and says -

Well, this is an HR moment.

And we both start cracking up laughing.

It has become the joke amongst us managers.

MOM boxes = morning of moving boxes

This is where my mother tells me every day, twice a day, to make sure I pack my morning of box so that I know where to find the coffee machine and all my other necessities.

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Izabel is scared. I can see it. She runs to me about every ten minutes and gives me kisses (where she reaches up and touches her nose to my mouth, smelling my breath) and then stands there not knowing what to do with herself. She eventually retreats back to her one spot on the bed.  But I can tell she doesn’t know what to do or where to go. Tuesday, on the other hand, is psychotically making circles round the apartment. She runs at top speed knocking stuff over and hitting the walls meowing as she goes. Not sure if it’s nerves or just thrilled to have some space to run.

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I am literally shoulder deep in boxes. In the past two days I have packed up my kitchen, living room, office and dining room. Just finished the bathroom, minus the shower curtain and towels. Tonight I will be breaking down the closet and drawers while washing the sheets. And tomorrow I have the morning to finish it all.

Holy crap I don’t know how I’ll be ready.

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I’ve reached the point where I am ready to just start throwing crap in boxes. There is all this random stuff left and I am not sure how to organize it. The annoyed what the hell do I do with non-organized stuff usually throws it out, but I think tossing it in a box and writing misc on it should be good enough for now.

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It’s the morning of and I was driving home this morning to make coffee and realized that though I remembered to not pack the coffee machine, I packed every single one of my coffee mugs. (refer back to beginning of this post - mom boxes). I pulled into the nearest gas station and grabbed some coffee and donuts. As I was pouring in cream and sugar I noticed they have flavors, so I treated myself to raspberry flavor shots in my coffee. I gotta say I may be investing in flavor bottles just to spice up my decaf coffee. I can’t seem to find the Ghiradelli chocolate coffee I love so much. I have settled on Dunkin Donuts, but it isn’t flavored with chocolate or anything. I didn’t like the idea of buying flavors to pour in my coffee simply because I am spending more money, but it is nice to have the taste.

So here I am sitting in front of my desk, crunching the box underneath me, drinking my coffee and eating my donuts. Outside of the music I am playing it is very peaceful. I am relishing this because I know in about four hours my dad will be coming over to oversee the process.  When he wants something done he is a commander. That’s why I like it. Things get done, but once he gets here there will be no silence until the move is over. Again, why I like it. But for just a little while I am going to breathe. Sitting here drinking my coffee - the donuts are gone.

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Song of the day - here. (#4)

Dear dear shoppers I have been in retail for over a decade and thought I throw out a few pieces of things that I have come across that may affect the way you shop.

• If you are mean you will not get help. In fact it will only make my personality come out like I do not care. Because if you are mean, I do not care
• If you are nice, I will do everything in my power to help you
• If you approach me with the statement I realize you don’t do this, but - IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN. If you’ve ever worked in retail you are so aware of all the people who think they are the exception to the rule and you know that this is one of the things at the top of the list of things you will not do.
•  I cannot get the CEO on the phone. I am just one of the little people and will gladly take suggestions, but YELLING at me is kind of pointless. FILL OUT A COMMENT CARD it will go straight to corporate.
• Telling me “I can’t believe you don’t know where such and such is” even though we have a billion products is completely unrealistic.
• Telling me “I can’t believe you don’t carry such and such” is stupid because if you truly wanted to go to a store that has everything on the planet try searching google.
• Knocking on the door before or after we open will not get me to open for you. We have posted hours - use them.
• If you don’t have a receipt we do not know how you paid, how much you paid or when you paid and though you are all honest people out there (snort) I cannot take your word and give you cash back or put it back on the card you supposedly paid with.
• All food is charged back whether you just carried it around in your cart for an hour (imagine a gallon of milk) or brought it back because it is the wrong size, color, weight, etc. No we cannot donate it because there are weird mother f*&%$s who do creepy things to food. Don’t put food in your cart unless you really, really want it.
• It is so incredibly helpful if you hand a cashier, guest service person or just simply a clerk working any unwanted items rather than shoving them on the closest shelf. Imagine you are at home, would you just shove whatever on any shelf? Would you want friends and family to shove odd ball items on your shelves?
• Do not yell at me when I offer to help you and you don’t need it because when you do and I don’t offer - well that’s gonna piss you off more.
• Register etiquette - it is a must in order to keep my job to ask if you want a credit card. Get over it. Say no politely and move on.
• If you spill something, or your kid spills something, tell someone because the next person that walks by will inevitable slip and sue and that’s just a big pain in the ass. Remember it could be you that walks into that spill.
• If a worker gives you really great service TELL SOMEONE or fill out of comment card. Good people are a bit hard to come by and we usually only get the negative comments.
• Do you really think I (or anyone else for that matter) is going to tell you, if and when a certain product will be going on sale or clearance? Yes I do know that and no I won’t be telling you. Sorry.  You do realize I could lose my job for that.
• I understand people who want to look at furniture, before buying and taking it home, to see if there are any scratches, but when you are buying a $50 piece and then ask me to open four or five different boxes - WAKE UP - it’s a $50 piece of furniture, what did you expect?
• Those of you who return dead plants that you killed; the planting soil, the pot and all - uhm, I don’t know what to say to you, but really? Returning a plant? Why don’t you just return the food you didn’t eat which spoiled in your fridge.
• I am all about price matching and helping our customers, but when you read a sign wrong, well, you read the sign wrong and just because you read the sign wrong does not mean you get that price. Get over it. I do it too. But you read it wrong. Plain and simple.
• My least favorite comment and when I want to punch someone is when they say something to the effect of, “Oh, you don’t have it. Well I am just going to go to such and such to get it. They have it” Fabulous. Go to such and such. I don’t care, but standing there telling me like some two year old is really annoying.

The other day I woke up with a small headache and didn’t think much of it. With allergies being kind of crazy lately it isn’t something new for me. As I was getting ready for work I realized it really was a headache and so I took some aspirin, but an hour or so after I got to work it was a full blown migraine. I couldn’t see very well, my equilibrium was way off and I felt sick to my stomach among the other standard headache symptoms.  I went home and passed out for four hours, but when I woke up it was still there in the back of my head.  I got up and ate some food then slept again for about eight hours, but even then it was still there. It finally seemed to lessen when I officially woke up the next morning almost twenty hours later. I couldn’t believe it.

The migraine had come on so fast and it had stayed with me longer than I remember ever having one.

Now days later, I still feel as if I have a headache just lingering. I am concerned that it could turn into a migraine at any moment, but have been really light on the medication.

I am guessing if it isn’t allergy it could very well be a bit of stress. I have been feeling a strain with all that is going on in my life right now which is completely ironic because it is all good stuff, but I think the change alone has me miffed.

In about ten days I will be moving into my new apartment - finally for all the people asking if I have moved yet. I unofficially accepted an offer at my second job for full time employment I am just waiting for the offer in writing to give my two weeks at my first job.

Though these don’t seem like much to me they are huge, so many factors and so many possibilities of different outcomes. Mix that with the fact that I have been working sixty hour weeks and I am a bit overwhelmed. (and just a bit of a tid bit - I started keeping a toothbrush at Raindrop’s house last week)

I will have three days to pack all my stuff and one day to move it then a day to unpack and a day to clean the old place. I am pretty sure it is more than enough time to do it, but I keep wondering if I have enough boxes, if I will pack well enough, will I have enough people to make it easy, what about all the heavy items - and the worries just go on.

And as far as the new job go, with my apartment stretching my budget a bit I am trying not to focus on the fact that I hope I am good enough to keep my job. A friend of our family just signed on a new house and she has just lost her job. Holy cow, does that frighten me. Not to  mention just being new at a place gives me the willies. Not that I am not used to it being that we often moved while a I was a child.

It’s just this change thing.

I like change, just not at first. At first I fight it. I try to ignore it. Then one day I wake up and it is the norm and all is well. I know this. But it doesn’t seem to be making it easier.