eRamblings

The other day I woke up with a small headache and didn’t think much of it. With allergies being kind of crazy lately it isn’t something new for me. As I was getting ready for work I realized it really was a headache and so I took some aspirin, but an hour or so after I got to work it was a full blown migraine. I couldn’t see very well, my equilibrium was way off and I felt sick to my stomach among the other standard headache symptoms.  I went home and passed out for four hours, but when I woke up it was still there in the back of my head.  I got up and ate some food then slept again for about eight hours, but even then it was still there. It finally seemed to lessen when I officially woke up the next morning almost twenty hours later. I couldn’t believe it.

The migraine had come on so fast and it had stayed with me longer than I remember ever having one.

Now days later, I still feel as if I have a headache just lingering. I am concerned that it could turn into a migraine at any moment, but have been really light on the medication.

I am guessing if it isn’t allergy it could very well be a bit of stress. I have been feeling a strain with all that is going on in my life right now which is completely ironic because it is all good stuff, but I think the change alone has me miffed.

In about ten days I will be moving into my new apartment - finally for all the people asking if I have moved yet. I unofficially accepted an offer at my second job for full time employment I am just waiting for the offer in writing to give my two weeks at my first job.

Though these don’t seem like much to me they are huge, so many factors and so many possibilities of different outcomes. Mix that with the fact that I have been working sixty hour weeks and I am a bit overwhelmed. (and just a bit of a tid bit - I started keeping a toothbrush at Raindrop’s house last week)

I will have three days to pack all my stuff and one day to move it then a day to unpack and a day to clean the old place. I am pretty sure it is more than enough time to do it, but I keep wondering if I have enough boxes, if I will pack well enough, will I have enough people to make it easy, what about all the heavy items - and the worries just go on.

And as far as the new job go, with my apartment stretching my budget a bit I am trying not to focus on the fact that I hope I am good enough to keep my job. A friend of our family just signed on a new house and she has just lost her job. Holy cow, does that frighten me. Not to  mention just being new at a place gives me the willies. Not that I am not used to it being that we often moved while a I was a child.

It’s just this change thing.

I like change, just not at first. At first I fight it. I try to ignore it. Then one day I wake up and it is the norm and all is well. I know this. But it doesn’t seem to be making it easier.

Baking zucchini bread -

Mom: Can you tell me what time to set the oven?

Me: ACK! I can’t think and do two things at once!

Mom: Snickers and reaches around me to grab the recipe

Me: I want this to turn out right. I always screw it up. This has to turn out right.

Mom: I know; the ingredients were not cheap.

Thoughts after doing P90x Ab Ripper workout -

When he says now would be a good time to load up on all those after workout refresher drinks, think he means a brilliantly, cold beer?

I learned this really cool new trick with my hair -

When I get out of the shower, twist and squeeze the water from my hair, then when pretty dry lather gel through the ends (stay away from roots or greasy) and twist. Twist hair up into a clip until dry - though I tend to pull it out before it dries to give it some body. This keeps my hair curly all day long. WOOT!

I really wish I had that gene that allows me to sneak around all stealth like because the first thing I would do is go down and unscrew my neighbors patio light bulb. The darn thing has been on for the past couple of weeks and just kills any kind of enjoyment I have watching the stars and night sky. Granted I only get about a four foot radius due to the apartment complex layout, but still it’s something - when the light isn’t blaring out into the abyss.

I woke up this morning thinking I needed to get out and volunteer because I have been way too self involved as of late then I go to work and the first thing that we talk about in our meeting is that they are having a really cool volunteer event. YEAH! What’s more, they were talking about grabbing drink afterwards. Kind of like being rewarded for being good which is the reverse of what I wanted, but whatever we’ll be helping people regardless.

This past week I have felt so off, so out of the ordinary. Just all around out of sorts.

The list of things I have felt is random, to me, and I finally gave in and went to see my doctor. I explained how I have been feeling and she said we would do a blood workup and see what we came up with. She stood up to do a physical, looked at my neck and then made a “Huh,” sound. Which of course was disturbing.

At the end of the appointment she mentioned she felt it could be hyperthyroidism where everything in your body kind of speeds up - eating, temperature, heart rate, etc. Which matches the way I have been feeling to an extent. I have been breaking out in these incredibly crazy heat sweats that come at the most random times. I have bee, for the first time ever, just sitting and eating. I am not hungry at all and yet I can sit and eat like a machine. Other stuff which I am not willing to make my blog privy too either.

The thing that doesn’t fit is the tired part. I guess.

I have just been so incredibly tired this past week. And when it comes to going to bed, I can’t seem to sleep. Then there is this morning. I felt so awful I called in sick then proceeded to sleep til afternoon. My body just feels like it is moving in slow motion.

It almost feels like when I am getting over a sickness where I am in a tunnel with the medication, but I am not taking any medication.

Just waiting for the blood work to come back.

If you have been following (and I know you have) I have been working out at least 3xs a week for about a month now. I swam for the first three weeks, but had to do something else due to the pool being closed for a week. Lame.

This week I lifted weights with my dad, did pilates for two days and then did something called Abs Ripper with a friend. Through all this, I kept waiting to be sore. I hear my friends make these grunts when they walk, get up from chairs and it is due to being sore from working out. I haven’t had that. Granted, I am not complaining by no means, but I was starting to think I was in better shape than I thought.

Uhm, yeah. I’m clueless.

Just when I start getting cocky, I get voted off the island.

Today, I fuckin hurt. My stomach musles and the muscles in the top of my thighs where my hips are (hip flexers?). I woke up this morining and had to put a hand on my knee and roll up, of sorts, to get out of bed. When I walk, the muscles in my hips are so tight I can feel my body hunch over a bit. I am forces to take these long strides in hopes of stretching them out.

All week, the one person I have been exchanging workout information with is (i think) a bit disgruntled because I am not, have not, been in pain at all. I don’t out and out laugh at this person, but it is hard to keep a straight face when every time they move they make some sort of a noise. They keep saying, it’s the second day (two days after the workout) that really hurts. My father and mother both echo this sentiment.

Having been a swimmer in the past, the very distant past, I remember very well how sore I was ALL THE TIME in every part of my body. I don’t miss that. Nor do I want to revisit that. In fact, a goal of mine was to go slow enough not to have to endure that.

See what happens? Survivor is the meca of all life philosophies -

Get cocky, get voted off the island.

Damn it. I know better.

I want so badly to call this friend and console myself in togetherness self pain, but at the same time the competitor in me wants to drag this out and not allow them the knowledge of my being just as much sore as they have been. I’m such an ass. (chuckle)

Alcatraz, here I come. I am that much closer to knocking out another 1 of 101 in 1001 days.

I am standing on the steps leading up to the local swimming pool. All these moms and dad with their kids walk (well, run and skip and giggle) their way to swim practice. Each one, so adorably cute in their swim suits of all sorts of colors. Kind of like a real life screen saver. Very psychedelic. I remember being that kid. I remember I could not contain my excitement to swim. As I am walking up the steps my tremors get worse. I can’t tell which is worse, the tremors of excitement or trepidation.

Inside the locker room, it’s hot and so humid. A few older girls all of middle school age. The same age as when I officially started on a swim team. They have the same innocence and yet they walk as if they own the place. As I did. I never felt so confident and courageous as when I was at a swimming pool. This is where I got my strength. Remember in Pretty Woman, she says she can handle men when she is in her hooker clothes. That’s how I feel. When I am in the water, I could do anything. It was always so freeing.

I walk out and there are all these flashes of memories so fast I can’t quite grasp them all. A swim meet here. The pool we visited where the floor was heated. The time it was so cold outside that there was fog lifting off the water, but the sun had yet to rise completely. A surreal picture. If I hadn’t been there, oh so many times, I would never believe it was anything but a picture. The wonderful sounds - coaches barking out orders; kids talking so fast because of such a limited time between starting to swim another lap; parents clapping and being supportive; the whistle of the lifeguard.

I pick up my cap and goggles and without another thought it just comes together. There is this process I have as if my fingers know more than my head. Get the cap wet, pull it on, twist up my hair. Take the goggles press them to my eyes, flip the straps over then tie in a knot. Step into the pool and push off the wall all in one fluid motion. Then left, right, swish, cut through the water. It all comes rushing back to me.

I was born here. I was made for the water. A regular fish. The coolness of it. The comfort temperature. The smell of chlorine. The tiniest taste of metal water. It all just permiates my head and body. My senses on overload.

God, why have I waited this long to feel this again.

I can’t take it all in at once. I am trying to see, to swim, to hear, to taste all of it at once. I can feel the breath struggle out of my lungs. The bubbles pushed out my nose. My hands just glide through the water. My bad hand, the one I broke in a car accident nine months ago. The hand that feels so foreign all the time. For once, it feels like my own. Incredible! As my muscles start to burn in all the right areas, I just smile because I know this like I never left. Coming up on the wall, I get giddy. Arm over, glide into water, bend neck, slide over into a somersault like a snake, feet just follow, push off the wall and I am gliding back through the water into another lap. My lungs burn badly. I can’t hold my breath all that long. My thighs and my delts are also throbbing. Tired, but in such a good way.

I can do this.

I know I will be so much slower than I once was, but my body already wants to get back into that same rhythm. That pace I know so well. It will take awhile. I will need to slow my pace, get used to swimming before I will be able to hold that pace for long.  My body wants so badly to keep up, but its heavy.I stop take a breather. The giddiness builds again. I want to scream. I want to laugh. I want to celebrate. It feels so good to be back here.

I long to be that young frisky girl. The one that could do anything. Had her whole life in front of her. No fears. No cynicism. The true believer. I can still feel her inside, but just a bit sader than before. Time brings truth. A truth I never wanted to know, but am better for. I think.

Life is an amazing thing.

Here is what NOT to do on the day of a SIX hour class followed by a TWO hour exam -

go to bed really late (the night before)

set alarm while lights are off and almost asleep (the night before)

do not preset the coffee machine (the night before)

wake up at the time I’m supposed to leave

skip (or miss) breakfast and coffee

not take the time to pack my purse and bag with all the necessary tools

drive in the carpool lane (when there’s only me in the car)

park and run into the building next to the building where the class is

forget to pack an extra #2 pencil (or a pencil sharpener)

Here’s what to do on the day of a SIX hour class followed by a TWO hour exam -

take a two second shower

pick out clothes the night before

drive in the carpool lane (when there’s only me in the car)

pat myself on the back for showing up two minutes before instructor locks the doors

grab apple juice when realize coffee carafe is empty

shove a donut down throat in 2.4 seconds

call parent’s during 10 minute break before exam begins because if I don’t calm down I will definitely hyperventilate (thank the dear lord that parent’s are extremely funny)

I am not sure if this is reverse karma or what because I rarely did this in high school or college. If I overslept or missed a class entirely I did it with full knowledge and intention of the consequences. I am also wondering if this is another form of celebrating “the year of fun” as I am calling 2009.

I feel I should tell you that I do not ever drive in the carpool lane without another person in the car. I swear. I am very good about following the rules and very concerned about getting caught. I also should note I did not drive in the carpool lane the entire drive - not that this makes it any less palatable, but I feel better.

Today I spent the entire day listening to (and talking about) food borne illnesses, fecal matter, good hygienics and all other things that make vomit rise in the back of my throat. Seriously the one thing I can definitely tell you is if you want to lose weight - the way to go is to take a Food Safety class.  I will never look at food the same way nor will I ever smirk at my father (again) for reprimanding me for not washing my hands long enough. I will, however, be even more horrified at the parent’s who tell their child “not to worry about washing their hands because they are in a hurry and have been waiting for five minutes for them.” (and yes, this happens all the time - work in retail people, it really opens your eyes)

Highlights -

When washing your hands, you should turn on faucet, put soap on hands, rub soap into hands, rinse hands under hot water for 20 seconds (sing happy birthday song twice) and then get paper towel and dry hands, then using towel turn off faucet AND open door. Throw paper towel in trash after you have opened the door and not touched door with hands.

Most food borne illnesses can be prevented simply by washing hands as described above.

60% of food diseases are produced in food cooked (and served) in a retail establishment. CODE: eat at home; prep take out food at home;

If you see ONE BUG, there are a million you can’t see (haven’t seen; reside there). Seeing is way past time of discovery. Look for other signs - fecal matter, grease spots on wall, nests, chewing or bite marks in boxes.

Food allergens - milk, eggs, wheat, tree nuts, peanuts, fish, shellfish and soy.

Foods that are high risk to food borne illnesses are high in protein, low acidity, moist foods and perishable.

And that is probably enough to make you stop eating all together - for awhile anyway.

The most important thing I learned today had nothing at all to do with the class or exam. Well, maybe correlates to them.

I have come a long way in becoming aware of and coping with my anxiety.

My mother said it best, “My boss will think twice about sending me to these things because I always come back with a wealth of knowledge and a lot of changes to make.”

P.S. Thanks again, mom and dad, you guys were a life saver! Totally enjoyed listening to you guys prattle on and make me laugh when I felt my heart may beat it’s way out of my chest from sheer panic that I would fail the test.

It takes 21 days to start a habit - so they say.

It has been 21 days since I quit smoking. I will freely admit without ANY type of cheating. No quick little puffs. No digging through the butts (ew, but seriously been done before).  This not cheating thing I am very proud of. Every time in the past I have cheated. I do have a friend at work who is also trying to quit who has been kind enough to pass me a stick of Nicorette gum a couple of times to kill the really bad shakes. Tastes like crap but definitely helped get me through a couple of really tough evenings.

I have pushed myself outside. Into the sea of cravings and habitual times. But stayed strong. My love of the outdoors has made that possible. Although I have made sure to surround myself with people who do not smoke. I don’t feel the need to push myself into to much pressure. A little at a time is good. Lately it is really just a fleeting thought.

Every time I think about it a quiver goes through my body and this grin spreads across my face that just won’t go away. It is so wonderful to know I am getting through this.

I have wanted to quit for years. For so many years, I have hated the smell, the taste, the habit itself. It sucks up my life and my time. I will say my favorite part was the camaraderie that was built over the ash tray no matter what I was. But we are a dying breed, literally and at $8 a pack I am saving at least $32 a week.

Savings of over $120 a month.

Not hacking and coughing.

Being able to breath at night.

Better chance of iving longer - priceless.

Last night was crazy. I could actually watch the hairs stand up on the back of my cat’s neck. Their ears would stand straight up and their eyes would dilate to large black saucers in seconds. It would go quiet suddenly, then without warning the doors would be sucked back into the frames, a loud whistling would go on for minutes at a time, the trees would scrape against the windows. A wonderfully thrilling cycle of nature that went on for most of the night. Probably longer, but I went to bed kind of early. Since it was storming outside, the cats (bless their little hearts) went to bed early too. They both laid as close to me as possible because heaven forbid the nasty wind noise get them.

A new thing I am hooked on right now. They are oh so good and yummy. I have been a long standing Pop Tart girl (blueberry, no other flavor), but since I now work in the market section all I do all day is look at food. One day I broke down and decided to try them (cherry flavor). OMG!!! I am so hooked. They are so good. It is like Toaster Strudels are fatty lard and Pop Tarts are just simply bread. Course that doesn’t sound so good. I am assuming they are really bad for me, but whatever. They taste good. And are a nice alternative to cereal. And very good with coffee.

I planted two plants a couple of weeks ago. I have tried to remember to water them, but well, yeah that hasn’t been so successful. They require sunlight, so I put them in the front window - where coincidentally I forget they are there. But I am trying. So far I have yet to see anything growing, except the cat hair that is attached to everything. Usually I can grow something til I have to repot it, then it dies almost immediately. I am tempted to bring my plant into work and ask one of the garden guys replant it for me because I know they would do that for me, but isn’t that just kind of lame?

I have not only picked a date to quit smoking, but also went to my gen practitioner and asked for help. She talked me through all the alternatives - the patch (I am allergic to adhesives); the gum (dear god, just put crap in my mouth); pills (not a fan, but maybe).  I just knew I needed help. Quitting cold turkey just is so hard and I have failed at cold turkey many a times. We settled on Wellbuteral (or the generic anyway). I take one pill for 3-5 days while continuing to smoke as normal, then start taking two a day until I decide I don’t need the pills anymore and then I can ween myself off them. The other option was a pill that apparently has crazy side effects and can wreak havoc on hormones. Crazy hormones run in my family, so I don’t need anymore thankyouverymuch.

My quit smoking day is April 1st. I though it an appropriate date (ironic, but not too far away). The point really is to get my head around the fact that on this date I will no longer be smoking. I can smoke to my hearts content up to that day, but on April 1st, I am done. No more. I quit. And holy crap I am scared. I am worried I can’t do it because I have realized what a crutch I have allowed smoking to be for me. When I am scared, I smoke; nervous, angry, content - pretty much any feeling, I smoke. But the real reason I smoke is to keep myself busy because otherwise I would know how much of my time I am by myself. Not quite alone, but more lonely. Wow there’s a vulnerability revealed. I am confident I can do this. More importantly I am very excited to quit. I am tired of the smell, the fact that my nose is always so swollen shut I can’t breathe and my eyes water and burn. I am tired of the affect it has on my TMJ and health. I am tired of feeling gross and guilty for doing something I know can really hurt me and those around me. It has become a cross I bear and in silence I tell myself it is something I allow myself, one major fault I have, one bad thing I do (since I feel like such a good girl).

In reality I know I am only fooling myself.

April 1st

Getting a divorce I am in the process of saying goodbye to my old insurance and hello to my new plan. It is fabulous having a really great corporate insurance plan with all the necessary needs in place. With my new insurance I have little to want, but I also have to make tough decisions.

I have the best pain management doctor ever.He knows exactly what I need. He has been then during my greatest hours of need with TMJ pain and he has insured my recovery. Unfortunately he is not on my new insurance. He is out of network.

This accident has not only inflamed my TMJ pain, but brought about new symptoms. If I stay with him and his recommended physical therapist I know I can get healthy quickly. I know it, but I will have a lean on the lawsuit of this accident. Not knowing the outcome of it all (even though I was definitely not at fault) I could end up having major bills not paid for.

So do I find a lesser beneficial doctor within my insurance plan who may cut corners, hinder my care and maybe take longer to cure me, but pay less in doctor bills or go out of network insuring my recovery, but have higher costs?

Deeply upset today knowing that if only health insurance allowed me to choose my doctor - the doctor that gives me the best care - I could live a much happier, more productive life. But due to regulation and cost I am not able to have the best care.

Obvious flaws within the health care system.

I had my first (and quite possibly the last) shot of wheatgrass. I have been dying to try it and as we exited the Mother’s Day movie (Made of HO - that is what the ticket and the sign in the theater said Made of Ho, not Made of Honor) I saw that we were walking right by a juice place. So I dragged my dad in and made him try it, although he really didn’t argue with me. My mother and niece, on the other hand, wouldn’t even begin to think about trying it. My dad (as was I) was looking forward to it.

The smell was pretty pungent. Very, very strong. It looked very green, which what I expected. The cup was very small and I didn’t worry about getting it down. Much easier than an alcoholic shot in a club. It actually wasn’t so bad going down, especially since they provide an orange juice chaser, but the burping I have been doing ever since has been way past a 10 on the EWW meter. My dad and I talked about having a once a week date where we meet up (there is a really great juice place right between our houses, very convenient) and have a shot of wheat grass just to keep up the healthy eating thing, but I think I am starting to rethink this. Ugh! It is horrible. Almost four hours later and I am still tasting it. I realize that one 1-OZ shot equals somewhere close to 25 LBS of vegetables, but dear god the after taste may kill me.
Have you tried it?