eRamblings

A - AVAILABLE: I consider myself taken. I’m a definite smitten kitten.

B - BIRTHDAY: Sept 14, 1978. You mean it’s not a national holiday yet? Damn.

C - CRUSHING ON: Raindrop

D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Non-alcoholic drink - Sprite, water, shit I don’t remember; Alcoholic - Smirnoff raspberry flavored (that wash a shitter of a day holy HR post coming soon)

E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: My niece, Bugley, but she is incredibly hard to get ahold of except on Thursdays

F - FAVORITE SONG: Journey, Don’t Stop Believing (only sing at top of lungs, in a bar, or car in my case)

G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: Dear god, who even likes the word GUMMY it just makes vomit rise in my throat

H - HOMETOWN: Born in Salt Lake, but really feel the entire Southwest is my birthplace; refer back to “no national holiday” comment

I - IN LOVE WITH: Aeropostale and Bertolli

J - JUGGLE: yes, I am a fantastic multitasker thankyouverymuch

K - KILLED SOMEONE: In my head, probably daily

L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: Every car ride in the backseat of a carpool is the longest ride of my life as I get a bit car sick

M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Vanilla

N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: One

O - ONE WISH: world peace and happiness (snork - or maybe just for me)

P - PERSON YOU TALKED TO LAST: if we’re not counting my cats, it’s my parent’s as we went to dinner last night; if it’s texting it’s Raindrop

Q - QUESTIONABLE LIKE: I LOVE THE SMELL OF GAS, y’know that rotten egg smell they put in it to warn you you’re about to die from poisoning, yeah that one

R - REASON TO SMILE: Clean sheets and a new phone, one that works

S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Thirteen by Big Star; thanks Schmutzie

T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: which time are we talking about because I woke up at 5am, then 6:21 and then 7:04, but then proceeded to hit the snooze about three times after it went off at 7:33

U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: I don’t know as I am writing this in my bathrobe fresh from the shower (hey don’t ask if you don’t want to know, oh wait you didn’t ask)

V - VALUES: Uhm, yes please

W - WORST HABIT: I repeat most of what I say; I repeat most of what I say; I repeat most of what I say; I repeat . . .

X - X-RAYS YOU’VE HAD: entire body MRI, does that count?

Y - YOYOS: I’m sorry, I’ll try to answer this when I stop laughing about all the yoyo’s I encounter daily

Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Virgo (oh, yes, you should be scared)

Thanks Schmutzie for allowing me the luxury of stealing this meme, if you had given me permission that is.

Wordless Wednesday links

How do you know it’s real?

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Love is a funny thing.

Just when I thought I would feel like shit forever. Just when I thought I would never love again. Just when I thought all relationships were bound to be filled with hurt and anger. Just when I had lost the belief that there really truly is a thing called love -

I have fallen.

And I am scared shitless.

Completely and utterly scared.

I am waiting for the shoe to drop. There has to be one right?

I couldn’t possibly have met a man that truly enjoys being with me - faults and craziness and all - could I?

And yet, I am starting to believe again.

And it scares me on a moment to moment basis.

I literally wake up hyperventilating.

This man, he says these wonderfully sweet things to me. When I am having issues or when I break down and show my vulnerability and completely open up to him he has the gall to say the nicest thing. He may not realize it. In fact, he probably has no idea that he does this, but he recognizes me. We actually have a conversation about how I am feeling. And, yes he is a man, so his comments are few and far between and I do occasionally have to ask him to elaborate, but BY GOLLY I think I may have one.

The myth.

A man who actually cares about me, my feelings and wants to be with me.

Are you as scared as I am?

Let me be honest here. The man is not perfect. Nope. He is not. He is real. He pushes my buttons. At least once a week he chooses work over me. He actually is a workaholic (grrr). He is annoyingly sexy which means women are constantly checking him out. He has this really fucked up sense of humor, that actually makes me gasp in shock daily. He absolutely loves horror flicks (which I refuse to watch). He gunks up the toothpaste bottle and doesn’t clean it up. Jeez, it does go on.

But still, -

So many moments it has been on the tip of my tongue and just a hair of a second before I utter those unfamiliar words, I suck it back in. Once it’s said, it cannot be taken back. And what if it isn’t real? What if I don’t love him?

I mean how do you truly define love?

I’ve said it to a few men in my life. Did I love them? Yes, I think so. In my naivety of life, I did love them at the time. But my thoughts on love have changed so much as my feelings on relationships has changed.

No longer am I okay with just allowing my feelings to lead me. It takes more than love to birth a relationship. A real relationship. One where it will last a lifetime. I don’t just fall head over heels and not look back. It is, a friend of mine said disgustingly, I look at relationships like a business deal. At times it is necessary to suck the emotion out of it and decide how do I truly feel about column A and column B. Does he meet my have to haves and my like to haves or is he mostly like to have and can live with?

Here’s my list (of sorts) -

a man that WANTS to be with me and isn’t just looking for something better to come along

a man who loves his family and puts them first in his life in all decisions

a man who is responsible, ambitious and likes to work/wants to work

a man who loves pets (and isn’t going to bitch about my cats) and doesn’t just own a pet for looks or status

a man who is willing to be completely and utter vulnerable and tell me how he truly feels even when I am so angry he is afraid I might walk away

a man who is respectful of my thoughts and my feelings

a man who not only wants to know, but asks how I feel and think

a man who is leads an active lifestyle and desires to be healthy

a man who is able to enjoy the finer things in life like vacations and dessert

a man who isn’t afraid of a woman who speaks her mind

a man who has a life and is okay with a woman not wanting to he with him all the time - ie: his time, my time and our time

AND THAT IS WHAT I WANT.

Which is why I am so scared to utter those words.

The L word.

I don’t ever want to say those words to more than one more man in my life. Ever again. I want this time to be the last. So I better make it worth it. I better make sure this is it. This is the real thing.

And does anyone know how to tell if it’s real?

He meets all the criteria. And shit, I wasn’t even looking. It wasn’t supposed to happen this fast and without my knowledge. It just kind of snuck up on me.

What’s incredibly funny is the more vulnerable I feel the more signs I see that I can use to make this go away. Remember funny guy? He called me yesterday. He was just “checking in to say hi”.  Thing is - he is epitome of the kind of relationship I don’t want or rather he would be like going back to my ex-husband. He is bad for me in every sense of the word. Or I could pick a fight. It is so easy. I remember how to do it. Hell, I did it for a year or so with my ex. It doesn’t make it better that he did it with me. It’s so simple. And then let it play itself out.

But that was the old me.

The new me, doesn’t pick a fight, doesn’t call funny guy back. The new me embraces my scared and talks to Raindrop. Tells him I feeling scared. That this is all kinds of crazy. And he listens and he comforts me.

The new me, opens up about feeling less important when he chooses work over me. Which he in turns takes time off to spend the day with me.

The new me gets in the car and lays next to him when I am feeling like I haven’t been able to see him recently. Instead of calling and being a whiny girl. He in turn holds up the covers and then pulls me into his embrace.

The new me tries to remember how I hurt my ex and how he hurt me. The new me remembers that anger and frustration aren’t the ticket to making things work. The new me allows myself to be vulnerable to hurt because it is healthy.

The new me remembers the kind of relationship I don’t want and realizes that even though this is strange and new, it feels good and that is what matters.

When and if this is really love, well I guess I’ll know. And if he doesn’t love me back, oh well, at least I was able to fall in love with a man who, for however long a time, enjoyed being with me and I felt cared for too.

Okay so I am totally doing this on Wednesday because, well that is just how I roll. Actually I was posting my post it note tuesday and when visiting SupahMommy’s blog this topic was just too hot to not blog about. And when I say hot, I mean say too f*ckin funny.

A.   List of your top 5  relationship dealbreakers. ( friend, family,  in laws, etc) 

(rubbing my hands together - mwahhhhhh)

1. If you have to pick the guy up in your car bc he needs a designated driver

2. If the man carries a wad of cash that is rubber banded together or if his wallet is rubber banded together (i mean come on, get some of that money out and buy yourself a nice wallet)

3. If the man goes for the door first - and walks in slamming the door in your face

4. If the guy is wearing so much cologne he smells like he just came from a whore house

5. If he just came from a whore house

6. If the man goes to order and he ends up sounding like Sally on When Harry met Sally - uhm, I’ll have the salad, but with the tomatoes and dressing on the side. I’ll have the steak, but the sauce and mushrooms in a dish on the side and the potatoes but the butter in a slab . . .

7. If the man has a God complex - oh wait, that’s all men - my bad

8. If the man doesn’t know who the president is and can’t talk about anything else but how his younger brother won’t stop taking his playstation games

9. If the guy meets you by saying any of the below -

Your legs must be tired, bc you’ve been walking thru my mind all night

Those clothes look good on you, but would look better on my floor

You remind me of my sister

You remind me of my last girlfriend, she was such a biotch, nothing like you

10. If the guy tells me what he wants to see me dressed in when he picks me up (f*ck that sh*t)

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It is absolutely amazing what I can get done when I get up and get moving in the morning. This morning I was waiting for my alarm to go off. I was actually laying in bed enjoying the peace and quiet; the slight darkness; the fact that my morning had not yet begun.

I even pushed the snooze button once.

Then I leaped out of bed, threw on some sweats and headed out the door.

I drove straight to the grocery store.

I had been planning on going last night. Actually I had been planning to go for the past week. Every day. But of course, last night was the last night I really needed to go. Running out of all the essentials. And it turned out to be pouring when I left work.

Nope. Not tonight.

Again.

Then I had an epiphany while laying there in bed this morning. Another thing about thinking before the alarm goes off. I have amazing ideas. Earth shattering, save the world ideas. Everything seems possible at that moment.

Saving the world later, I decided to make a gorgoeous dinner.  Reminisce of my mother.

Holy crap.

I know.

Last thing I cooked - I burned pancakes.

I got out my crock pot and threw a roast in it, poured cream of mushroom over it and voila! Done.

Until I get home, pull out the roast, add rice to juices and serve with corn.

My mouth is already watering with the knowledge of the smell I will come home to tonight.

It is the smell I remember from my childhood. The smell of a wonderful warm meal courtesy of my mother.  The woman is a genius of cooking (and other masters I have yet to master). But it is one thing I remember was a constant in my life growing up

The smell that would hit me on the way in the door after school. The smell of incredible food. Mouth watering food. It just filled our house til it was thick with aromas. And it would last for days.

One thing I can’t wait to pass on to my own family someday.

What will you say?

SupahMommy with Post It Note Tuesday

At work we have this really long set of brick stairs. They are really incredible looking. Beautiful really.

And dangerous.

For klutz like me.

All day, I watch our servers run up and down these stairs with four, five full plates of food. With grace, they run up and down.

I, on the other hand, can slip with my first step out of the kitchen.

Needless to say, I am careful. At all times. I do my best to really plant my feet before putting weight on it. It can take me a bit to get down that flight of brick stairs with only my one plate of food.

Two days ago, I slipped. Somehow. I still don’t know how. I slipped and went down. Plate of food and all.

I was lucky really. I only have a few bumps and bruises on my elbows. But I have to say, my lower back is pretty sore. And has been for two days. It just feels like someone has punched it mercilessly right about my butt directly across from my hips. So when I sit down it aches. When I lay down it takes about five minutes for me to really relax enough for it to relax because I know it hurts to have the muscles rest on a flat surface. It feels like a set of interlocking pieces where each set has to settle after the next and it hurts the whole way.

I am doing my best to not over stretch and to not under move. It’s really not so bad. Not as bad as it could have been. I am lucky to have gotten out unscathed.

My boss said, well at least you’ll be able to rest for your next two days off.

I just laughed.

Because really, when do I ever just relax?

Yesterday, we were incredibly busy and I was surprised to find that at least two of the people shopping were “one of those people.” If you’ve never worked in retail, I’m not sure you would know what I mean. I was so annoyed I decided to post on it.

“One of those people” -

defined -

How can people be so oblivious that when we are packed wall to wall with customers that they proceed to ask if we can steam a shirt for them?

And then they get upset when we ask them to come back so we have time to steam it!

Or the customers who want my full attention for hours when it is clear we are busy? I love to help and give awesome service, but I can’t possibly give one person my undivided attention for a long period of time. Or make an appointment. Sorry you are going to have to share me.

We are currently doing inventory and it has been so smooth, minus one customer. (which is really, really good) She called to have an item transferred from a store outside the state to ours because she didn’t want to pay shipping. Okay, a) if we have to ship it no matter where it’s going there is a shipping fee and b) we don’t transfer, we ship direct to customers. She argued til she was blue in the face. Then called back to ask for a manager. (this is where I come in)  She explained the entire situation, I put her on hold to get her paperwork and ask the sales associate about it, then got back on the phone and told her no, we don’t transfer, but I’d be happy to help her with her charge send. She argued with me once, and after telling her no, she agreed to a charge send and the shipping fee. (it’s usually not this easy)

Most days, people do not get to me. I love what I do and I love working with people. But every once in awhile I get that one person that just doesn’t seem to want to understand that there are rules and I’m sorry, but if I won’t break them for my other millions of customers WHY WOULD I BREAK THEM FOR YOU? These are the “exception to the rule” people. I hate them. I do. I despise their expectations. I despise their tone of voice and I absolutely cannot deal with them without struggling to control my voice and what I say. It takes all the control I have. And then some.

These are the people who walk in five minutes before we close, we tell them to take their time, but we do close in five minutes and then they proceed to stay for hours. HOURS!! WTF!! And I cannot kick them out. I won’t do it, until I get the opportunity in conversation to casually mention we closed forty-five minutes ago. Inevitably this always happens on a Friday or Saturday night, when my employees have plans. It kills me. But heaven forbid, I tell them we open tomorrow at 10am and they call corporate saying I was rude to them. It’s just not something I am willing to allow happen. So I smile and try to be patient.

These are the people who find something wrong with every piece of clothing and want a discount on each and every one of them, then return them after they have worn and washed them.

These are the people who return over $500 worth of merchandise and expect cash back when seriously, who really thinks any register has that much in cash at any given time. It’s just not realistic or safe. And do we really have to explain to every customer, each and every one of our return policies as they purchase? Again, unrealistic.

These are the people who leave diapers FULL of (insert gross here) in the dressing rooms.

These are the people who return an item without a receipt (which means we have no idea how much you paid, when you paid or how you paid) and get upset because we can’t just put it on one of their cards.

These are the people who return shoes they’ve worn for months (and yes, we can tell) and then return them saying they are too big, too small, stretching out (hello, you’re wearing them), uncomfortable, etc. BS!! If you wear the shoes more than in your home for a bit, you cannot return them.

These are the people who traipse their dog through the store and do not consider the health violation or the fact that they do not have to clean up the dog hair and such that gets transferred to the clothing. Or worse, when that dog has to go to the bathroom. And did you really just ask me for water for your dog? Seriously people, leave your dog at home.

These are the people who do not consider the costs of their actions. They think it’s free. Not that it comes out of someone’s pocket. And in the end, usually increased taxes. Your taxes.  It always costs something, whether you pay it or not. Just because a store doesn’t charge you, doesn’t mean they didn’t pay for it themselves.

And I am done.

Getting down off my soap box.

For now . . .